r/loseit, I need you now more than ever

28F, 5'8". SW 163, CW 145, GW 140.

I'm not currently overweight, but I have been (and haven't been) and have been, since I was very little. I struggle with bulimia and compulsive overeating because blah blah blah all the trauma/drama.

But I haven't purged in almost a year. A YEAR. It will be a year in January. However, yesterday, for the first time in almost as long, I thought about purging. I really thought about it. And if I did it, it would be like an ex-smoker taking that first drag. Purging was my only friend at one point. It was my secret, it was comfort. And it sounds crazy because it is literally a mental illness. I started purging in 2009, and until this January, I thought that I would always purge.

Then I got health insurance and I have some meds and I had some therapy, and I was getting better. But I'm poor as shit, so I can really only keep up the meds at this point. And I'm struggling. I started losing weight in March, and last week I hit 19 lbs lost. And something happened, and I don't know what it was, but now I am bingeing almost every day, and it feels so familiar, this lack of control, and I'm almost 30 but I feel nothing but terror. And I've already gained 2 lbs back.

I'm desperate for a lasting, normal relationship with food. For a healthy self image, or for not giving a shit about what I look like. I would do anything to maintain my goal weight. But now I'm just certain that I'll never fucking reach it. I'm too sick in the head. I have too little control.

And it sounds like I'm whining but I can't express this feeling in any other way. I can't handle another yo-yo into the overweight. I can't handle the emotion of it. The way my back hurts and my clothes don't fit and I don't recognize my face, and I can't stand seeing my body in the mirror, even just looking down at myself. But, more than anything, it's that I feel like I can't do a goddamn thing to stop it. Like the sick part of my brain just woke up and it's ravenous, feeding on my peace and happiness.

I have a million coping mechanisms. I have a wonderful, partner but he doesn't really get it, or know how to help, and honestly it's not his job.

Where do you find the will? The power? I don't believe in god, so if that's where you find it, I'm glad for you, but it's not my path. I need help. You're all so amazingly kind and inspiring. Tell me how you fight your demons.

Thank you.

​

TLDR - I'm fucking struggling; eating disorders, relapsing after some healthy weight loss. Tell me how you continue to fight against the desperate beast within.

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New to Reddit and this sub, here's my weight loss story

Let me start off with my stats. My heaviest ever was 210 lbs, though I was about 200 when I first started actively losing weight. It's been about 5 months since then, and currently I'm 158 lbs, as of this morning. I'm 5'9, so I started out as obese for my height (something I would've denied if you asked me then), and I'm proud to finally be in a healthy weight range, for the first time since I was in elementary school (I'm 20 now).

I do 20:4 intermittent fasting, eat around 1500 calories a day with lots of protein, and my current workout schedule consists of 4 weight days of 45 minute sessions, 2 cardio days, one for HIIT sprints and one for running, and finally one rest day, when I also have a cheat meal to keep myself sane. When I started off I wasn't doing any cardio or intermittent fasting, but I was losing weight nonetheless.

I don't really have a goal weight, since I've already passed what was initially my goal but still have some stubborn fat left. I'm just going to keep dropping until I like how I look I guess, and then focus on gaining muscle.

Well now let me jump to why I made a Reddit account to join r/loseit. I've been overweight for most of my life and obese for most of high school and college, so that has really affected my self-esteem and confidence in general. As a result of this (among other things) I don't have too many friends, so I'm not exactly surrounded by people encouraging me in this journey. Of course I have my family and close friends, and they're very supportive and I'm thankful, but I don't have anyone that I can talk to about the struggles of being overweight or unhappy, or dealing with food cravings, or to share weight loss advice with. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm looking for a community to continue this journey with, and I hope I find that here!

Once again I'm new to Reddit so I'm not exactly sure how this works lol, but trying to figure it out. Feel free to leave any advice, or even ask for it if you're new to losing weight. Thanks if you read this far.

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Advice from a newbie. This helped me tremendously.

I started my weight loss journey on Sept 20, 2018. 5.5 weeks ago. In that time I have lost 35 lbs. 20 in the first 2 weeks. I am doing my own take on the KETO diet. Low carb, high fat, moderate prot. And I am doing great. I haven't had bread or pasta in this whole time, which is a milestone in and of itself because that was basically 100% of my diet before.

Here has been my major issue. I crave bread, pasta, soda, sweets, etc. So I came up with a possible psychological solution to this. And it boils down to this... it is a subconscious urge to rebel.

Here is my theory: Remember when you were younger and your parents or guardians told you "No"? Or said you cannot do something. This response only made you want to do it more. You wanted to do it simply because you were told you cannot. I feel the same subconscious urge to rebel applies to diets. Still following?

So, theoretically, if you are on a diet and tell yourself "I absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, have this soda", then you are going to crave it more. Because you cannot have it. Its human nature. However, if you tell yourself "I can have a diet soda if I want it, but I choose not to because I am on a diet" then you are giving yourself a choice and its your decision. So if you are in that mindset you are less likely to "rebel" against your own rules to have that soda.

In my experience in the past 5 weeks I have followed this mindset. Once a week I have a "cheat day" to have that piece of cake, or that candy bar. And on those cheat days I find myself not cheating. Because I don't want to. I have no true urge to. Its all a mindset and if you give yourself the choice to cheat (within reason) then, in my expierience, you won't cheat.

Again, theoretically, if you don't have the mindset of "I absolutely cannot eat that" then your less likely to eat it. It all boils down to a psychological mindset. And it has helped me tremendously. Maybe it won't help everyone, but give it a shot if you see yourself cheating a lot. It may be because you have a subconscious rebellious personality.

Anyway. That's all. Sorry for the long read. Hope it helps. Lets discuss it in the comments!

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Overcoming Grief: Small Victory

I was doing very well in my weight loss journey from July to August, but when my Grandpa passed away and I couldn’t continue being faithful to my diet/exercise routine.

Instead I slept 12 hours a day and laid in bed for the other 12, only getting up to do homework, shower, eat or use the restroom; occasionally going to class.

I regained 8lbs (3.6kg) from September to late October, which was completely devastating because that’s more than half of the weight I initially lost. I was very frustrated, but not surprised when I finally bit the bullet and decided I needed to weigh myself to get back on track.

I’ve been talking with a counselor per my mom’s request and it’s helped a lot. She’s motivated me to get back on my diet (which I’ve cheated on a little here and there) and since Oct. 24th I’ve lost 6lbs (2.7kg) of grief weight!

During this journey I have been through a lot of ups and downs (physically and metaphorical), but I’m really hoping this is the start of something real.

All I want is to be healthy, and have a healthy relationship with food. I’m feeling confident that I can do this, so that’s a start. I’m excited to see where this goes.

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I decided to take a break from calorie counting and I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Backstory: I've flopped between 140lbs and 160lbs my entire adult life, usually hovering around in the 150s and just slightly unhappy with my jiggly belly.

I've been calorie counting on and off and trying different strategies to lose weight for the past 10+ years. I successfully dropped into the 130s for my wedding last May, but I've been slowly regaining since then.

It's been a constant struggle since I was a teen to reach my ideal weight. I usually do well for a while (sometimes up to a year) then backslide as I get more comfortable with my body.

I know all the science behind weight loss and I'm a wizard with a kitchen scale and have used it regularly for the past... 5 years? At least.

Anyway. I decided I needed a break from calorie counting, I just was struggling to find motivation to do it anymore.

While I'm regularly calorie counting, it doesn't feel like a big deal and even becomes second nature. I got used to bringing a notepad into the kitchen with me while I was making my meals to jot down the grams of each ingredient. My cooking process became so methodical without me realizing it.

Now that I've stepped away from the calorie counting, I feel a lot better. I made a pot of chili last night and didn't record one gram, one calorie. I just tasted it as I went, adding splashes and sprinkles of ingredients. I felt that joy of cooking again - that I hadn't felt in a long time. No math, no labels, no calories - just cooking.

So I've decided to try to shift into intuitive eating instead of calorie counting. I plan to control my calorie intake with intermittent fasting and following a generally healthy diet. If I don't lose weight after a few weeks, I'll narrow my eating window and/or add more low-calorie high-volumes to my meal.

I'd like to do actually this by feel, not math. I know it's totally backwards than what the subreddit suggests (and what I've told countless people!) but I feel actually normal again for the first time in a long time.

Anyway... I don't really have a point to this post, I just wanted to share with one of my favourite communities. Wish me luck!

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Today I'm celebrating TIME

19F 5'6" SW:297 CW:266 GW1: 250
Started: August 19th, 2018
Current date: October 30th, 2018! (happy Early Halloween)

Today I'm celebrating TIME! I've officially been on my weight loss journey for over 10 weeks now! That's ~20% of a whole YEAR. I have never been this dedicated to losing weight before. It was like a switch clicked in me and I'm never turning around. I only weigh myself every two weeks so I don't get too obsessed with the scale. Last check in I hadn't lost as much as I wanted but this check in.... I KILLED IT!!!! 31lbs down all together. I'm over halfway to my first goal and starting to get closer to the weight my drivers license thinks I actually am!

I'm not posting pictures on r/progresspics yet though. I refuse to until it's extremely noticeable. It'll be my gift to myself when I lose the 50th pound. This sub has been so helpful, I truly believe without y'all I couldn't have made it (plus my wonderful accountability buddy u/baconystrips)

So... today! I'm reevaluating my goals. My first goal was to lose the weight as quick as I can to become "beautiful" NO. My new goal is to enjoy the process, learn better about how my hunger works, and feel confident. Yes, it will be nice to be skinny one day but for now, I'm happy. I love the gym, I've never once dreaded it. I enjoy eating healthy, I feel mentally clearer. And I feel like I have respect for myself. A new goal is to stop comparing my journey with others, which may be the hardest goal I've set for myself.

I would like to see more physical changes and reduction in clothing sizes but it'll soon come! I've just to keep pushing forward and soon the pants I'm wearing today will be slipping off my hips!

PS: I signed up for my first 5k in YEARS. It's on December 8th and I'm GOING. And I'm going to crush it, no matter what time I get.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope everyone has a wonderful and productive day!!!!!

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Where to find motivation!

I felt I needed to write this post in response to another thread where the person was asking how to find the motivation to do the hard work of losing weight. I realized I did not buckle down and truly put in the hard work required to lose weight until a few things happened.

First let me tell you what didn't motivate me. I put on 40 lbs over 5 years due to stress, poor health and too many big life changes. Every year as the weight piled on I wanted to take back control. I was really uncomfortable in how I began to look, didn't motivate me. I started noticing that I looked so round in pictures, didn't motivate me, I just started avoiding cameras.

I started eating more and more and that full feeling brought me some comfort instead of scraring me...I could eat all day long and never felt satisfied...I knew I was the cause of my own weight gain, but I couldn't stop.

I used to be a runner, but now any kind of exercise felt like torture to my larger body, so I hated it.

I hated not being able to run, or exercise without wanting to die. I hated the pain from DOMS. I started really not liking exercise. I wondered how I ever liked it before.

The only thing that brought me peace was food...and I was supposed to give that up too!!!!

Medical problems began to develop, lots of pain and doctors telling me I needed to lose weight for some of the problem and it would help eliviate the pain...still did not motivate me.

The pain got worse, and the pain attacks got more frequent...I developed other issues in my body. I was able to get a surgery to remove one of my issues. I started feeling a bit better.

I went for a really long walk...and I wanted so badly to have my healthy body back, but why? Why did I want my healthy body back...I walked some more. I think I walked for days... slowly walking replace my need for food, walking was something I could do, it cleared my head, it helped me see why I wanted my healthy body back, I walk for long time, until everything in my body was stiff and hurting over and over I walked and then I began climbing, I climbed mountains, the feeling of overcoming those obstacles just gave me so much peace inside and that peace helped me see why I needed my healthy body.

I needed my healthy body because I was tired of existing, I wanted to live my life to the fullest again, find joy, find peace, find fulfillment.

Climbing hard mountains prepared me for this weight loss journey, climbing mountains poorly helped me see I wanted health more than I wanted food, climbing mountains was what I wanted.

I wish for you a journey that will show you what you're capable of, what the possibilities are, what your strengths are...I wish for you a journey that set your heart on fire for life!

When you get tired of existing and want to start living again is where you find the motivation of doing the hard work of getting your healthy body.

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