I remember when I first began, sort of. I remember being able to say 'yeah, there's chocolate in the cupboard, but you don't need it.' and that was the end of it. I remember being able to say no to takeaway food, to not even have milk in my tea or condiments on my food.
I remember gleefully amending my flair on this sub to show my height, start weight, current weight, and goal. I remember how proud I'd feel at changing my current weight again, every week. I lost 60lbs in about two years. Didn't even excersise, just stuck to 1200 a day. And now here I am, I've gained almost all of it back. I'm using a throwaway because I'm too ashamed to use my other Reddit account, the one littered with posts of 'another stone down!' or 'my old friends didn't recognize me!'
I remember, guiltily, feeling a sense of pride and even superiority (I know, shoot me) when my boyfriend would discuss his morbidly obese sister's eating habits. How I'd inwardly smirk and think, she just can't control herself, how hard can that be? Like, before I lost weight, I was binge eating, but I never felt out of control, because I never stopped to even consider that my eating habits weren't normal. And now, having been obese to 1 stone away from over away, and back to obese again, I know how hard it can be. Maybe I got complacent, more likely it's due to the few days I'd often eat under 1000 just to make sure I was on the right track. Sure, I got the body I wanted, but now I'm paying for the journey.
Ordered some new clothes today, and felt too anxious about ordering the size I should be. I ordered a size to two sizes up, and guys, I couldn't fucking button the skirt, and my belly was showing because my fat was keeping the fabric of my shirt away from my hips.
I'm scared. I'm fucking ashamed and disgusted and scared. I seem to go two days of eating 1200 - 1400 calories, and by day three I'm bingeing again. Every other day is 'ok, today is day one of my weight loss'. Every other day I fail. All I want is food, all the time. It seems I'll do ok during the day, maybe 300 cal breakfast and lunch, the rest is for dinner. Dinner stops at the 1200 mark but it's like as soon as I finish eating, the floodgates have opened and I can't figure out why I should stop eating.
So here goes to day one again. 1200 calories today (after the 7000+ yesterday). Tomorrow I will weigh myself and adjust my flair. I need some accountability. I need help and I'm terrified and ashamed and embarrassed to admit so.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/364gj6s
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