I originally posted this in /r/relationships but it was removed and they recommended I post it here. Please bear with me, there's a TLDR at the end.
I've been with my now-wife since we were dating when we were 18 years old. We've been married for about a year. We're 28 now. She is my favourite person in the world, we love each other dearly, we rarely argue and when we do we end up solving the problem. Our families love each other, we love spending time together, our sex life is amazing, we're on the same page spiritually, financially, everything. I feel lucky and blessed to have such a great relationship.
My concern is with her health. I have always been slim/athletic and fit since I was a little kid, playing basketball and running track. When I was 16 I got into weight lifting and have loved it ever since. My wife grew up as a dancer and was in great shape up until she was about 16 when she stopped dancing. After that, around the time she met me, she was slowly putting on weight from not being physically active anymore. I would guess when we met that she was 5'5, 160lbs? I loved it, I never ever had a concern about her being too big.
Fast forward to today and I still think she looks great. I love that she's gotten thicker, it actually turns me on. But we want to start trying for our first child, and it does concern the both of us that she is the weight that she is. At the beginning of the year she was 5'5 195-200lbs depending on the day. Like I said, I've always been into lifting, and I've been taking it more seriously these past 2 years. I'm 6'2, 180lbs, lean and muscular, abs, all that. I hope to compete in my first bodybuilding competition in 2021. I truly love fitness and health. I understand that she does not love it, and I'm not trying to get her to love it. I don't expect her to fall in love with barbells and dumbbells, I don't expect her to track her carb and protein intake every day. I know she'll probably never be my intense gym buddy. I fully understand who I signed up for - fitness it not a passion for her, and I am okay with that. But what scares me is her actual health. She is concerned as well that she might not have a healthy pregnancy and that she needs to lose weight to maximize the chances of a problem-free pregnancy. Her doctor also told her that she is one notch below becoming pre-diabetic.
In 2016, she lost 35-40 pounds in about 4 months and I was so proud of her. I gave her tips about eating, how to read nutrition labels, what exercises to do, how often to work out, etc. She enjoyed the routine (mainly because it involved a lot of high intensity dancing, i.e. Zumba) and the pounds shed right off. But then her work schedule went topsy turvy, and within 6-12 months, she grew back to her old previous weight and then some.
The fact that she lost the weight so easily in 2016 because her doctor said she needed to was enough for me to assume she could easily do it again. But this time she's having trouble sticking with a plan, even with the extra motivation of trying for our first child. She says "I'll try to stick with it and lose weight for you and our future child, because I can't do it for myself yet". That broke me. She was essentially saying she doesn't have the self-motivation to want to lose weight for her own good. She does have some self-esteem issues and does battle with whether or not she likes her body. She has good days and bad days. I simply try to motivate her and remind her "Hey, maybe you should do a quick workout today, it will give you something to do during this boring quarantine instead of just watching TV all day. What do you say?" and she'll respond with "Yeaaaa maybeeee... I dunno.... I don't feel good...." And it sucks to watch because I know she's capable, she's done it before. I always remind her "All you need to do to lose the weight is stay on your routine and make sure you don't eat more than X calories." The first time she did it she realized just how easy it is to track calories. She was eating all of her favourite foods and still hitting her goals and it was great. Nowadays, everyday I'll see her not care to track her progress, and I'll ask "Have you kept track of your calories for the day?" and she'll just say "I dunno" and go sit down and eat without a care in the world. It's like she's given up. She has been speaking to a therapist the past few months for the first time, but not for this specifically. I'm unsure if she's getting benefits from that yet as it's still early.
It saddens me that she doesn't have that inner desire to reach her goal weight. She wanted to lose 40 pounds by May 1st and she only lost 10. I don't nag her, I don't say "don't eat that, stop looking at Instagram and get up and workout, stop being lazy". None of that. I fully understand that pushing someone to do something that don't want to do, especially working out, is ineffective. I simply try to remind her or encourage her. People usually say "The best way is to workout with your partner", but our workouts are completely different. She enjoys and gets effective results from high-intensity cardio and fast movements like dance for weight loss, while I lift heavy weights in a low-cardio setting to gain weight. If I do her workouts, my progress will weaken, and if she does mine hers will weaken. Our dietary goals are different as well. She needs to stay under a calorie limit to lose weight and I'm trying to stay above a calorie limit to gain weight.
I love the way she looks. She turns me on tremendously. I love cuddling with her, I love seeing her naked, she's the hottest woman in the world to me and I tell her this as often as I can. I don't want her to lose weight for my eyes, I think she looks great as she is. I want her to lose weight for her own health and for our future pregnancies. And the fact that she isn't doing anything about it is what's slowly making me sad and slightly turned off by her. If she was doing her workouts and trying hard to stay on top of watching her food portions, I wouldn't be typing all of this. It's the fact that she appears to not care anymore, like she's defeated and given up. That's what's turning me off. Her lack of... doing. Just watching her not do anything and give up is really messing with my head, and it's starting to scare me. If her doctor's recommendations AND our future child's health isn't enough to get her fired up, what will? I wish I could help her but I don't know what else to tell her.
tl;dr: I think my wife is incredibly sexy but she is technically overweight (5'5 185-190lbs) and we are trying to get pregnant. She's lost a lot of weight before but this time she isn't motivated to do it, even for the sake of a healthy pregnancy. Her doctor has told her she needs to lose some weight for her own health and the sake of a future pregnancy. She's struggling to stay afloat with it and I feel like I don't know how else to help her. Her lack of self-motivation is saddening me and starting to turn me off from her and I don't know how to help her.
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