So a little background, turning my early teen years I weighed around 210 lbs at 5’3, I went vegan, my partner and I broke up, I was too broke to buy food, and then suddenly people started commenting on me losing weight. I didn’t feel like I had but I stepped on the scale and saw that I weighed at 175.
I was absolutely shocked. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life - 210 was definitely my heaviest at the time. My parents suffered from different EDs and mental disorders, my mom put very disordered eating thoughts into my head. I’ve always had a bit of an eating disorder. This natural weight loss made me feel like it was possible to lose weight
Fast forward to about 9 months later I weighed in about 135 but redeveloped a severe eating disorder, I was throwing up more than half of my meals, restricting, going to the gym for hours at a time. I was tired and sluggish but people kept telling me I looked amazing.
Then I entered an extremely abusive relationship for about 3 years - I started eating to cope with my emotions, bingeing and purging. Except I had promised myself I wasn’t going to purge anymore. I kept binging and eating, but I’d go to the gym. However this didn’t stop the weight gain. I was sitting back at 210.
Before quarantine I was finally getting into the gym again, meal prepping, etc. But when I stopped being able to go the gym and got laid off of my job I was severely depressed. During quarantine I’ve gained an additional 40lbs putting me at 250lbs
I feel disgusted with myself, I hate myself, I’m starting to go the gym again 4 - 5 days a week but I’m scared I won’t be able to lose weight without purging. I’m scared the only reason why I was able to lose weight before was because of my ED, I’m scared I only lost weight before because I lived with roommates and would be scared to leave my room to get food so I’d often go to bed hungry, I’m scared I only lost weight bc I was too broke to buy food. I told myself I’d never let myself get this big again but here I am.
Im now in a much better place, even when I was at my smallest weight I still thought I looked huge. I wanted to get to 90lbs - when I was 130 I still felt like a “whale”
Anyways Im fighting off the purging thoughts now - I’m eating healthy vegan small portions, but all of me just wants to binge and purge.
I don’t have any trust or confidence in myself.
Help ?
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3sLM930
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