Hi, I'm substantially obese and have a myriad of mental health problems and although I always kinda knew there had to be a link there, I finally noticed and identified some of it last night.
I have been trying to get back into the habit of tracking calories again for about a week now. CICO is the most effective thing I have tried, and I actually enjoyed posting and commenting here and getting meal ideas from other subreddits when I was really going at it a couple years ago. Something very bad happened in my personal life around the point I had lost 45 pounds, and I tried to "ease up" on myself and tell myself this did not need to be a priority while I handled that. Well. I have never successfully gotten back on track since.
Anyway. Calorie tracking did not start well. A friend we had not seen for a while dropped fudge off to my husband and I Saturday night, and my husband and I ate...all of it. I'm pretty sure I was in excess of my CICO goal by nearly 700 calories. I had what I thought was a good idea, and maybe this works for some people, to add that to the following day as a "defecit" and try to stay under my goal minus 700. Ended up exceeding goal by 600 WITHOUT that defecit, so tried goal minus 1300 the following day. Also did not go well.
This led to me, yesterday morning, adding a 3547 calorie "defecit" to my day after an especially bad night. My daily goal to lose 1 pound a week is just over 2200. So, I figured, "guess I'll fast for 2 days to balance this out." I have actually fasted for a few days before, which was partly for weight loss and partly a way of trying to assert my sense of control, and it actually worked kind of well though I would not make it a habit and do not necessarily recommend it to anyone because, for me, I think it came from a mentally ill place more than a sound one. Despite that I thought, okay, I can do this again.
I did not fast, because my well-meaning husband surprised me when he got home with lunch, and it was something that easily fit into my normal calorie goal having skipped breakfast, and I wasn't going to turn him down since he already brought it by saying "No I am basically denying myself food to atone for several days of overeating." So, the first part of this is figuring out THAT is a problem view I have.
The second part came last night. I cut it close, but I finished the day yesterday below my goal. After dinner, I worked on scholarship applications (I am trying, off and on, to finish a degree that ISN'T liberal arts and actually have something specific to my field at work). And struggled a lot with the essay prompts. "Tell me about your favorite day from your childhood" even though I was abused by cousins or my father or stepmother for most of it. "Tell us about your academic journey" that is sporadic as fuck because I've dropped out of college 4 separate times, 3 of them just being while working on the current degree. It feels like I need to talk myself up as something much better than I actually am, and that distresses me.
And at the worst point of the anxiety attack I had about this last night, staring at my computer screen, I suddenly felt like I hadn't eaten all day and was starving. Only 2 hours after eating a good, hearty dinner that was loaded with vegetables. Despite drinking at least 60 ounces of water throughout the day. Despite a big lunch before that from my loving husband.
And I finally realized, this happens every time I am very upset. I get "hungry." What usually happens is I listen to that, and I eat something until I feel full, and usually I feel "full" when it's uncomfortable to eat any more (yeah, this headcase has a binging problem too) and this was exactly how I ended up a literal pound of fat over my calorie goals for the week. When I wanted comfort, I ate it, even if I did not need to eat. And I realized, I think my body "expects" food at those points now. Like, did I subconsciously condition it to expect to be fed when under enough stress? I think I may have.
That is a terrifying thought to me, because I didn't realize it could have gotten that bad. But it makes so much sense. And at least it's a relief to recognize it now. I didn't give in to it last night. I instead took that as my cue to go to bed. Kind of overslept this morning, but did not feel as hungry when I woke up, or as upset. Had a 430 calorie breakfast of waffles and fruit 2 hours ago. Have not felt hungry since. Also, not coincidentally, much calmer than I was last night because at least things at my job are going well today and that has me in a decent mood. Called my therapist, talking to them more next week and thinking I should probably talk to them more often to process this and try to un-condition it.
Considering this day 1 because it is the first day I have gone into with this understanding that I didn't have before. Maybe it will end up being something that helps. I certainly hope so.
Edit: a few words; I do not type well on my phone sorry
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