I'm 22F, 5'6 and currently 143lbs (the last time I weighed myself, that is). I gained a ton of weight (25-30lbs) after 2017 when I started strength training and eating more. I've always been a skinny kid and never cared about what I ate, so the rapid weight gain scared the shit out of me. I decided to do something to lose it.
At first I obsessively counted calories and reduced my intake week after week. Unfortunately that's also when the binging started and I went through the hell of the infamous binge-restrict cycle. Though not formally diagnosed, I was pretty sure I suffered from BED, but that's a story for another time.
Fast Forward to 2020
When covid hit, I stayed home most of the time and started overeating like crazy, because that was the only enjoyment I found during this time. I wouldn't consider it binging though, because I didn't lose control like I did in the past, but I ate A LOT. I felt sluggish, bloated and unmotivated. The only positive thing was that I stopped binging. I overate, but did not binge.
That's when I decided to try "intuitive eating" to help me lose the weight. I made sure I ate slowly, stopped when I was no longer hungry and tried to put exercise in my daily routine. I had a few ups and downs, but slowly but surely, I managed to cut down to 132lbs. In the past I'd never gone past the 135lbs mark before so needless to say, I was thrilled. I thought, "This is it. I'm finally going to lose the weight for real!"
Then, for some reason, I let myself go (again). I started overeating everyday and ballooned back up to 140lb quicker than you could imagine. I was so disappointed. My numerous failed attempts to lose weight reinforced the fact that I can never succeed.
Recently, I decided to remove weight loss from my goals and see where it took me. I'm happy to announce that I can now enjoy a big hearty meal with friends (and even have dessert afterwards) without feeling guilty. (This was impossible during my BED days.)
Something I still struggle with, though, is what I do when I get home. My appetite is just so crazy big at night like a bottomless pit. I'm not hungry because I eat enough during the day, but I can easily get in an additional 1k+ calories per night. I know need to stop midnight snacking but my mind and body just gravitates towards the kitchen come nighttime. I'm afraid that I could get sucked into binge eating again if I don't honour my cravings.
This past week I tried to kick this old habit of night snacking by getting to bed earlier and distracting myself. The first few nights were the hardest and I couldn't fall asleep due to the strong cravings. But I didn't give in. By the end of the week, I found that my cravings were easier to fight.
However, yesterday I fell back into my old habit because I let myself have ice cream after dinner. I ended up eating the entire tub, plus a big handful of cashews and a pack of biscuits. I ate so fast that I didn't feel full. But once I stopped to take a break, I felt a wave of fullness engulf me, followed by a deep sense of guilt.
I haven't felt this kind of guilt in a long time and it's very strange to me.
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