Makes me mad every time I see them that they are the reason why I went through so much pain with my weight growing up and still am. And every time they visit I seem to gain some weight.
To the point that I don’t want to see them. It is still hard to say no to bad food when that’s all there is available around them and every effort to be healthy ostracizes me. Its a fight every meal. Every day. And they want to see me constantly. It is a constant emotional tie back to food and family trying to lose weight.
They refuse to put any work in and even push back at every boundary I have with food. A lot. They refuse to put the fork down and stop spending hours around a table eating and eating. Then have a problem with me leaving because i just can’t be around food that much. Then they’re offended. I need to do my walks alone without them because they slow me down and whine. I need to do cardio. So now I’m moody and excluding them trying to lose weight. Healthy makes me bad. Except they make no effort every other time for themselves, just when I try to get time away. It’s control.
I’ve realized over this weight loss journey it’s always been about control to them. They’re very anxiously attached. I’m losing weight and therefore will be the only person in the family not categorically obese. Now I will sit with them through a whole meal and eat nothing and get accused of anorexia and needing a doctor before I give in to food that will keep me this way. I used to thoughtlessly eat the cake if ot was in front of me. Then I made excuses. Then I made promises I’d burn it off later. Now I know-Just don’t eat it. I don’t want it. It’s not worth it. Not a bite. My body is rejecting old habits. It is sabotaging myself. I was always the self sacrificer to avoid the conflict, and now they can have all the conflict and offense they want.
It makes them afraid and self aware when I’m around them but when I’m not, they smother and try to put food in front of me. I suggested we have watermelon at the bbq and they all said YUCK with no SUGAR?? YUCK EW.
but if I say you’re eating TWO desserts today? YUCK EW THATS GROSS, then I’m fat shaming and hear all these lies about how it’s genetic
I contemplate shaming them anyway because it HAS shamed me for so long that they choose to live like this. They robbed my childhood of activity and sports and discipline and consistency and my self esteem, everything is control and guilt tripping and they won’t just let me go be happy and healthy without them around. I have to deal with their poor decisions and poor mental health as an adult too because they’re obese and refuse to move. I’ll have to plan early funerals because they’re all much sicker than they would be if they were healthy, and all my memories with them are with food. My weight and insecurity cost me grades since I was afraid of people, sports, and dating life, and friends. I didn’t wear the clothes I wanted. Obesity defines your persona because it is so incredibly limiting.
In fact I’m already out of that obese range and just in overweight range. I used to be thin when I moved out. And we did NOT get along. Constant fighting and they still didn’t leave me alone. The last few years I slowly gained weight and they started liking me better. But this year it has been markedly different and more difficult with them.
The last visit this week was very uncomfortable as everything I wanted to do was activities to get us away from food and they just wanted to eat food. I have a son now. I’m back to being a bulldog about it. I had to move their forks away from his face, bring my own food for him, and snap at them to stop intervening. Breaking the cycle is so hard.
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