I knew I had lost quite a bit of weight but I never had a reference. Today going through an old phone I found a single photo from Feb 2018 at 400 something pounds and couldn't believe it. Back around 2013-14 I had gained weight, around 20-25 pounds. Keep in mind I'm 6'4" and was around 270 in high school. This was enough to start me down the path of having sleep apnea, which would unfortunately go undiagnosed for years
Initially it manifested in me having less and less energy and eventually less and less everything else, except for weight and health problems. It happened slowly enough at first that it wasn't tangible day to day, but quickly enough that powers combined with my stubborn ass it was able to do some real damage. I remember for a good stretch thinking I just felt tired even when I had gone to bed at a decent time and I wasn't doing anything that would really contribute to me feeling that way. Wrote it off almost daily, just drinking more coffee or energy drinks to counter it and get back to center. At this point I was trying to knock out a commercial pilots license/business marketing degree at college and was already burning at both ends, combined with the constant energy drain I was headed for trouble.
I did then, and still do, take piloting an aircraft very seriously. It's an unforgiving environment, and I have enough respect for it that when I felt I was off my edge to the point of being unsafe, I dropped out a few months after I got the private license. I had known I wanted to fly planes since I was in 2nd grade. In short, that sucked. After I quit, the caffeine had stopped working and I was starting to really struggle to even attend class at the college, which I eventually stopped going to completely as well. I should have gone to the doctor. Instead I convinced myself feeling like shit everyday was normal and I would go in if it got worse (yeah I don't get it either).
A few years later in 2018 early 2019 I found myself at 489 pounds with a list of medical issues and no hope. Things had gotten weird. The lack of sleep was now causing me to have auditory hallucinations and I was questioning everything I heard. I would see shadows dart around. Everything felt numb and just waking up in the morning was a fight. I was passing out at random times just blacking out and falling asleep. Had stopped taking care of myself and been drinking to not care about not caring. Feet were so swollen they wouldn't fit in shoes. Figured I had to have something going on in my head and at the weight I was, feeling how I was, I would just let it run its course. I had tried so many times over the last few years to lose weight and improve things but between my own shortcomings and the lack of sleep I was never able to recover. It became this cyclical hell of every time I tried to make things better they got worse. I was trapped. Eventually I fell asleep driving down the interstate and by some stroke of luck, no traffic, and a good alignment I woke up 3 lanes over about a half mile from where I was originally going under an overpass. That finally got me to go in to the doctor.
Within a few weeks my mind started to come back, to the point I now realized how deeply fucked every aspect of my life had gotten. Like coming out of a nightmare into, well, another nightmare now with 100% more reality. That was rough. Doctor wanted me to get a gastric surgery which would result in some serious lifelong restrictions. I was only 27, if there was anyway I could fix things without having those I wanted to give it a shot. By now I had more or less exiled myself from my family and friends and had no idea how or where to begin to fix any of this. I had never really felt an anger or hatred towards anyone like I felt then, and jokes on me, it was at me. How stupid. I had let something so treatable negatively affect me so much. Could of gone a lot of ways, but Oct/Nov of 2019 I decided to try and see how far I could get eating right and doing what I could to exercise knowing that it was now at least in theory, possible.
I've managed to make a lot of progress. Hiking at least every other day and eating (mostly) well. Another 30-40 pounds and I'll be where I want to be. Now no medical issues besides the weight, and down to 1 prescription that I'm hoping to be off of sooner rather than later. I never planned to make a post here, or anywhere about the weight loss but here we are. Somewhere along the way I deleted all of the photos of myself looking like I did, and stopped taking any new ones after. I hated how I looked, a constant reminder of me failing so any times and no hope to fix it. Today going through an old phone I found a single photo from Feb 2018 when my dog was around 4 months old. If you want to see death, you'll find it in the face of the guy on the left. For the first time in a long time, I took some photos of myself in the last few days and when I found the 2018 photo I tried to scale it with a recent one. I was surprised, and it's a surreal thing. Still seeing yourself as the guy holding the dog and in reality being the one on the right is a weird deal. Hard to break away from. Funny how you get so used to things it eventually seems like there are no other possibilities.
It's pretty cool to enjoy life again.
[Imgur](https://imgur.com/WwjAVNo)
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