For the last few years, I've been telling myself the same story: I've only gained a little weight… Not a lot… Just enough to notice... Just enough that certain clothes didn't fit quite the way they used to… Just enough that I'd occasionally avoid looking at myself from certain angles in photos…
What is funny about this is the way in which your brain finds ways to be creative when it refuses to accept something. I would say it was poor lighting, poor posture, a bad photo angle, or the fact that phones are some sort of magic trick for making people look bad compared to real life. Anything but the obvious, really. In hindsight, the warnings were all there. I stopped wearing clothes that I used to love, because they made me feel uncomfortable
My outfit choices began to depend on those that could best conceal my midsection. When people wanted to take photos in groups, I always ended up being the one who took the shot. Back then, I did not consider why. Now, it is fairly clear that my reasons were simply avoiding reality
That event which finally pulled me out of my reverie took place a couple of weeks back. It was then that I was walking in a shopping mall, and I walked past one of those gigantic mirrors which stores tend to set up right on their pathway. When I looked into the mirror for a while, I was horrified to realize that the face staring at me from the mirror was that of someone who seemed to be much heavier and tired than how I perceived myself to be. In an instant, I actually had to wonder who it was that I was looking at, until realization dawned upon me abd it was me
Once I stopped making excuses, I started understanding how I had reached there. Not due to one large mistake but due to numerous small mistakes. Eating out since I was too tired to cook. Binge eating post an exhausting working day. Snacking without even being aware of what I'm doing
Not sitting idle throughout the day didn’t help either. Nor did the practice of giving myself a pledge that I would start healthy eating from the very next week. Then again making the same promise the very next week and repeating it in the coming week. There weren’t any overnight changes but the effect of many years of bad habits
The toughest thing to accept is the fact that I continued to wait for inspiration to strike. As if someday I would wake up and find myself in a new body, all thanks to my sudden desire to be physically active. It never came to pass. Finally, I have made up my mind not to postpone taking care of my wellbeing until it becomes too late to do so. If I continue waiting, there will be no end to it
Instead of setting unattainable goals and trying to stick to an unsustainable regimen, I have begun implementing realistic solutions and adopting healthy habits that promise long-term results. I am exploring ways of working out with apersonal trainer for weight loss since being monitored by another person works for me better. I am not trying to look like someone else, and I am definitely not doing this to be an Instagram model. I simply need to restore my well-being
Above all else, I wish to be comfortable in my own skin once again. I am fully aware that this will take time; the behaviors that led to my current state did not manifest overnight, so their cure should not come overnight either. But this is perhaps the first time in many months that I feel I have truly stopped bargaining with reality
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