26f, 5'4" SW 218, CW 191, GW 170, then 155, then 145
This is kind of a long one, it turns out I needed to write some of this out for my own sake. Thanks for reading.
Some background on me:
As a young adult, I worked as a field technician, both contracting out and working for government agencies. I used to spend about 50 hrs/week hiking off trail for my job, and therefore could-- and needed to-- eat a lot. I had this job for several years out of college until I got a swollen tendon under one of my kneecaps. Patellar tendinitis. It got so bad that I couldn't walk down stairs, let alone downhill. My job was no longer viable, and I quit to avoid permanently injuring myself.
I loved that job. I loved the career path I was on, I loved spending my days in the woods or on plains in the middle of nowhere. I loved moving my body for a living and doing something beneficial for the world. I was good at it, I had a future in it. And my knee made that all go away. I had to start everything over, and I hated it. It took me a lot of therapy to feel like less of a failure.
Like a lot of people who've stopped that level of vigorous activity suddenly, my appetite took a while to catch up. I went from being slightly overweight (which I was fine with, as a lot of it was muscle anyway) to the brink of extreme obesity in less than three years. I was 24 years old and in denial, thinking that well, I could always get active again, just like I used to be. I was still young, I still had some of my old muscles, could still go for an hour long walk, etc. I always thought I could just hop right back on the healthy and active train.
My wake up call was a photo my mother took of me. I was sitting in a chair, sun coming right down on top of me, my chin and stomach fat on full display. I have never felt more embarrassed of myself in my life than I did seeing that picture.
When I took my starting weight, I cried. I had never imagined I weighed so much. I started CICO and lost 18-20 lbs in one year, a rate that I was pretty content with. The goal for me was never to lose the weight and then maintain it, but to be healthier and more mindful, and let the weight move as it would.
Fast forward to the start of quarantine. I had been maintaining at around 200 for a few months, in some large part because the stress and schedule of my job made it really difficult to meal plan effectively. Covid happened, I lost my job, and I was able to meal plan again. I started losing about 1lb/week, and then in June I hit a plateau.
In June, I made the decision to start working out again. My knee hadn't hurt in years, and I had lost enough weight that I felt like I could start taking HIIT seriously and be safe. I wanted a program that would be challenging, but make me feel accomplished. I went looking and found the Chloe Ting Summer Shred. It looked challenging, but doable. I knew I would be so proud of myself for completing it. I knew I would feel stronger, and that I could keep to the routine. I decided to start it on July 1st. I was so pumped, so ready to go. That first day my muscles burned, and it felt so good to be using them and pushing myself again. Even though there were hard days, I was motivated. I had energy after I finished workouts.
Well, today I had to quit it.
Last week, my knee started to hurt during some exercises. I had been doing low-impact from day one, wearing a knee sock for support, been watching my form, doing warmups and cooldowns, everything, and it didn't matter. Today, I couldn't do almost anything in one of the videos without feeling the old strain under my kneecap, and it was too much. Completing this challenge is not worth injuring myself like that again.
I am so discouraged. I spent a lot of this morning crying. I felt like a quitter all over again, and I was reminded of how bad it felt to quit a career path that I loved.
There are things that my body cannot do. For me to get real progress with my knee, I need to see a specialist, and that is simply not in the cards right now. That does not mean that I can't work out-- I can dance, walk, stretch energetically, and I'm sure I will find more alternatives. I will keep doing so. I will keep on this path. But today it feels like shit.
It is so easy to look at all the amazing work that other people have done and see yourself in their shoes. Goodness knows that the people on this subreddit have given me so much encouragement, I don't know what I would have done without it. I might not have even gotten started without all of you. But my journey is not going to be like yours, and I can't look at your results and judge myself off of them. I will get to a healthier, stronger, better place, and so will you, but in our own ways.
Not so much a lesson as a vent. Thank you all for reading, and keep it up everyone.
