I am posting this from a throwaway account, which as I write this the irony is not lost on me that this fact is a perfect exemplification of the greater theme of this post.
To give the brief story of my weight loss journey for context: Earlier this year I found myself tipping the scale at 300 pounds, and I felt nothing but disappointment and disgust with myself. I am a father, a husband, and many other things - and one day after seeing the big three-oh-oh on the scale, I looked in the mirror and simply decided it was time to make a change. This wasn’t that the man I wanted to be. I motivated myself by asking, “What is more important to you, eating a whole large pizza with chicken wings on the side and a soda, or getting an extra 10 years with your children?”. And when I put it that way, the answer (and thus the right thing to do) was unavoidable.
I started in on my weight loss journey much the way we all do. I have counted calories vigorously, I have made small changes in my life such as taking the stairs instead of the escalator, and have (done my best) to change my relationship with food. And it’s been effective. Over the last 6 months I’ve seen the weight peel off to the satisfying result of the scale now reading 260. A far cry from where I want to be, but it wouldn’t be honest to say that I am not proud of myself.
So the main point of my post; I’ve lost some weight, I am proud of that, and I am excited for the rest of my journey in reaching my goal. So why, every time someone mentions my weight loss or asks how I’ve had so much success, do I turn into a insecure liar?
Especially in the last few weeks, I’ve had more people mentioning my weight loss to me. “Wow man, you look great! Keep up the good work!”, “Hey man, what have you been doing to diet? You’ve lost a ton of weight!”, and invariably, every time, I lie.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a random coworker, my in-laws, or my closest friend - I immediately lock up and start being dishonest about my weight loss. I tell them that I’m not really doing anything at all, I tell them that I’ve hardly even noticed that I’ve lost any weight, I say things like “oh really? wow thanks I haven’t stepped on the scale in awhile I wouldn’t know.” I lie, and lie, and lie.
And I’m being totally truthful when I say, I don’t know why I am doing this. Internally, I am proud of what I’ve accomplished so far, but as soon as someone points it out I immediately become ashamed. While I know in my heart I am bettering myself, and for that I should be proud and tell my story to those who ask, it’s like I’m too proud to admit that I have a weakness that I’ve had to work on that I am succeeding in beating my demons.
I guess I’m looking to find out if anyone else has experienced this, and how you broke through this weird feeling of shame and secrecy regarding creating a better, healthier life for yourself. As I’ve said, I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, but too embarrassed to share it with anyone, and I just don’t know how to come to terms with that.
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