28F, 5'8". SW 163, CW 145, GW 140.
I'm not currently overweight, but I have been (and haven't been) and have been, since I was very little. I struggle with bulimia and compulsive overeating because blah blah blah all the trauma/drama.
But I haven't purged in almost a year. A YEAR. It will be a year in January. However, yesterday, for the first time in almost as long, I thought about purging. I really thought about it. And if I did it, it would be like an ex-smoker taking that first drag. Purging was my only friend at one point. It was my secret, it was comfort. And it sounds crazy because it is literally a mental illness. I started purging in 2009, and until this January, I thought that I would always purge.
Then I got health insurance and I have some meds and I had some therapy, and I was getting better. But I'm poor as shit, so I can really only keep up the meds at this point. And I'm struggling. I started losing weight in March, and last week I hit 19 lbs lost. And something happened, and I don't know what it was, but now I am bingeing almost every day, and it feels so familiar, this lack of control, and I'm almost 30 but I feel nothing but terror. And I've already gained 2 lbs back.
I'm desperate for a lasting, normal relationship with food. For a healthy self image, or for not giving a shit about what I look like. I would do anything to maintain my goal weight. But now I'm just certain that I'll never fucking reach it. I'm too sick in the head. I have too little control.
And it sounds like I'm whining but I can't express this feeling in any other way. I can't handle another yo-yo into the overweight. I can't handle the emotion of it. The way my back hurts and my clothes don't fit and I don't recognize my face, and I can't stand seeing my body in the mirror, even just looking down at myself. But, more than anything, it's that I feel like I can't do a goddamn thing to stop it. Like the sick part of my brain just woke up and it's ravenous, feeding on my peace and happiness.
I have a million coping mechanisms. I have a wonderful, partner but he doesn't really get it, or know how to help, and honestly it's not his job.
Where do you find the will? The power? I don't believe in god, so if that's where you find it, I'm glad for you, but it's not my path. I need help. You're all so amazingly kind and inspiring. Tell me how you fight your demons.
Thank you.
TLDR - I'm fucking struggling; eating disorders, relapsing after some healthy weight loss. Tell me how you continue to fight against the desperate beast within.
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