In February 2018 something clicked, I wanted to lose weight. I had the same feeling I had felt innumerable times before, but this time seemed different.
I went full-bore keto diet and in the next 10 months went from 436lbs (197.7Kgs) to 306lbs (1088Kgs). I didn't track the first couple weeks of keto, ate a lot of bacon and summer sausage, and then once I knew the calorie amounts of the foods I liked on keto, i stopped logging and settled into a rhythm. the pounds flew off, and I didn't see many, if any, plateau's.
In September of 2018 my life turned upside down. From 2013-2018 I was a full time, live-in caregiver for my very sick grandmother. This woman raised me in the absence of my biological parents, and was for all intents and purposes my mother. She was a sick lady for a long time, but cancer came quick, and her body couldn't handle it. It broke me completely. My weight loss had started in part because caring for an obese individual, as a morbidly obese individual made the process extremely difficult. The platitude of not being able to care for someone if you don't care for yourself rang very true in my case.
With her gone and the next steps of my life completely unknown I expected the weight-loss to stop, but it was something I had control over and I clung to it. I had hit the 100lbs lost mark in a hospital room with my grandmother about a week before she passed. She had been supportive of my weight loss since day one. Hell one of the last few conversations we had before she was intubated for the final time and never regained consciousness was me teasing her about how i was going to go downstairs to Einstein bagel bros and drink a chocolate milk. She gave me her playful look of "ooh you better not" and we laughed.
I met a girl after thanksgiving of that year and we fell in love. We moved in quick, I expected this, like anything good in my life to end horribly. It didn't. She is the most amazing human being on earth. I graduated from my junior college, enrolled in a University, started commuting, working a lot. Over the last year and change i've slipped back up about 20 lbs to 330lbs.
Seeing the number go back up sucks, a lot. but worse than that is the mental aspect of returning to old habits. Shoving food from the fridge into my face when nobody is around, eating fast food on the way home that I know i don't need but end up in the drive through nonetheless, rationalizing to myself why it's okay for me to eat this now, because X, Y happened earlier, because I'll be stressed later and food will make it easier. Eating gigantic portions only to eat again an hour later when I'm bored, stressed, hurting or happy.
I'm addicted to food, I don't know if i ever WASN'T during my weightloss. I feel like it was just masked and lying in wait for me to let my guard down for a second, so that it could slowly worm its way back into my head.
It was easy on keto, I wasn't hungry, i felt full for hours and hours after eating. But I know I don't want to eat a ketogenic diet forever. I want to rid myself of the addiction that has driven my weight gain all my life.
I don't talk about this stuff with anyone really. This has turned into kind of a way for me to vent i think. I'm sorry if it comes off as self-centered or dramatic.
My point here is that diets can work, but anyone who has struggled with food addiction/obesity knows that the mental aspect is where the majority of it takes place. I've known that, but I feel like I'm just now coming to terms with it. Instead of beating myself up everyday for not having the will to resist bad choices I think I'm going to start looking into how to deal with the addiction side of all of this.
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2SFn2Pi
