I am going to say something that people might not like, but I do not think I am the only person who feels this way: While weight loss subs are a great resource for people who are active participants and have begun to take steps towards their weight loss, the same subs can be overwhelming and very discouraging if you're just lurking and frantically scrolling as you try to figure out how you, too, can experience the joys of weight loss. If you are a binge eater, it can seem even more unattainable; when you're already obsessed with food and have anxiety about food scarcity, CICO seems impossible. Intuitive eating sounds like a joke when your intuition is to eat until you vomit. It feels impossible to get past the shame of feeling like you cannot stop eating.
So if you're like me, frantically scrolling in search of a solution, terrified of your out-of-control eating, let me just tell you: I have been there, I am there, and I hope that something in my story can make you feel less alone and overwhelmed.
Here is a TL;DR in case you don't want the full story: As a lifelong binger and fad dieter/exerciser who is still very much working on herself here is what I have learned the past 2.5 years: I began to recover when I finally did what felt good instead of what I was supposed to do. Choosing a physical activity that you actually like (for me, walking) instead of what you think you "should do" but kind of hate is not only fun, but can build a foundation for new, different activities. Same with food: Diets are stupid, and even calorie counting can feel overwhelming. Eat what you like and make small changes over time. Take the time to figure out what makes you feel good---developing healthy habits is not a race. Be nice to yourself. Give yourself pep talks. Be patient. Bad days or months happen. Building a healthy foundation slowly and consistently might be boring, but it will guide you back to the right path when you veer off course.
Like many boomers, my parents loved a fad diet. In our house, it was either a food free-for-all or punishingly restrictive diet, which caused me to develop a lot of food anxiety and overeating/sneaking food. When I was in college, it felt like my binge eating had mostly stopped, but it came back with a vengeance as I finished grad school and began a Big Girl Job. From 2013 to 2019, I gained 100lbs.
I felt like I was just white-knuckling life, knowing that something was wrong but unwilling to accept that I was in the throes of a serious eating disorder. I felt crazy. I had a good career, a great boyfriend, and wonderful friends and family. So instead of addressing the issue, I pretended everything was fine and it wasn't a big deal. Spoiler alert: No one believed my pretending, everyone was worried, and no one knew what the fuck to do.
When my family confronted me about my ever-expanding waistline, I agreed to go to a psychiatrist. I would love to say that my psychiatrist helped me, but that wasn't the case. I also went to see a nutritionist and a talk therapist at later dates, but for several reasons, these people were not helpful. The main reasons were 1) I was not willing to do the work (as if just attending these appointments would cure me) and 2) these people did not seem to have enough experience with binge eaters to really connect with me.
I gave up on seeking help and resumed the endless scrolling of social media looking for answers while feeling so bad about myself. In June 2019, just as I hit 280lbs, I was trying to convince my boyfriend to do another one of those Instagram fitness influencer programs with me. He said he refused to do another fad diet/exercise program. Exasperated, he looked at me and said, "Why don't we just eat better and, like, go on walks?" I looked at him like he was insane, but I decided to try it just to prove that his "reasonable" approach was just another thing that didn't work.
Phase 1: From June 2019 to March 2020, I only made 2 changes: First, I started bringing my lunch to work. Prior to that, my lunch was a giant feast containing so much food that I nearly threw up most days. So packing a lunch with a sandwich, yogurt and snack was a giant change. At first, I started to freak out that I didn't have enough food. After a while, I started telling myself "There is always more food if you're hungry," which is a mantra I still repeat today.
The second change was walking 30 minutes a day. Now, we have 2 dogs, so in my head I was like "We already walk all of the time." But those walks became shorter and shorter as I gained weight. Sometimes I would go to the dog park instead of walking. So, 30 minutes of walking every day (well, most days) felt incredibly challenging for a long time. My lower back was killing me by the time we got home. Still, I realized that it made me feel good and I often enjoyed it.
By March of 2020, I was down close to 20lbs. Now, 20lbs in 9 months is not, you know, wildly impressive by most people's standards. But it was not only the most weight I had lost in years, it was also the longest I had kept weight off since 2013. The best part was that it didn't feel torturous; in fact it felt relatively easy. I didn't feel panicked about the quantity of food I packed for lunch, and I was able to walk further and with less back pain. Basically, Phase 1 gave me the confidence I needed to stick with something and to actually experience the benefits of that hard work.
Phase 2: When Covid hit, I was a ~260lb asthmatic who knew that, despite my recent changes, I was still very much high risk if I got Covid. During the first 6ish weeks, I hardly went outside and, like many people, I took up baking as a hobby. I was about to backslide and I knew it. Maybe if I wasn't scared of dying, I would have fully thrown in the towel. But by mid-April, I was ready to enter Phase 2.
When it came to food, I started making myself lunch AND dinner (partly because a lot of restaurants were closed). I was still eating sweets (my main weakness), but at some point I made a deal with myself that I would weight out one portion, per the package, and then assess whether I really wanted more or not. Basically, I was still overeating, but comparatively much less and in a way that wasn't triggering the food anxiety alarms in my head.
By May 2020, I was able to walk a full 5k without any back pain, and I decided to try running. I had tried a few times since I had gained weight, but it was so hard that it made me feel embarrassed about how out of shape I was. So I downloaded Couch25K. After a few false starts, I was doing it for real. By the beginning of August, I had completed the program. I could run (very slowly) for 30 minutes. I COULD NOT believe that I did it. The first time I ran for even 10 straight minutes, I had to stop and cry because I was so proud of myself. So getting to 30 minutes? I was over the moon. I would love to tell you that I became an avid runner and now run, like, Ultramarathons, but after completing my goal of finishing the program, I kind of ran out of steam. I ran here and there, and did a 5K in June 2021, but I sprained an ankle and fell off the running wagon. I would love to pick it back up, though. We will see.
In November 2020, I was about 232lbs. I was feeling great about the progress I had made with my binge eating and fitness. And then.........I backslid.
Here is the thing. My binge eating and food anxiety had lessened, not disappeared, and with the cold winter months and holidays, that ol bitch popped her head out. And like any bad habit, it creeps up on you....it lies to you....it convinces you that you're actually not backsliding. You're just having a bad day/have your period/skipped lunch/have a special occasion. You'll get back on track tomorrow. And you know, when you're actively fighting against shameful feelings about food, having a guilt-free snack "because you deserve it" sounds totally reasonable. Deserved, even.
And here is Phase 3: Recovering from a backslide. Now, my backslide actually happened kind of slowly. By January 3, 2021, I was only up 3 pounds. But I didn't curb the bad habits that had reemerged, so by May 2021, I was 247lbs. I was still active (occasional running, daily walks, weekend hikes), but I had fallen back into frequent meals out and daily sweets (sometimes many). Now, we were about to embark on a major move out of state, so between the logistics of moving and farewell parties with friends and family, I didn't have time to kick myself for the regain. In fact, I simply acknowledged that it was happening and didn't feel guilty about it, which felt revolutionary after a lifetime of denials and excuses when I gained weight.
And after we moved in June 2021, I once again acknowledged that my old habits and anxieties had reemerged, but I also reminded myself that, for the better part of 2 years, I had started to build new habits on which I could rely in this moment of backsliding. I wasn't starting at square one! In fact, the version of me from 2013-2019 would be so proud and impressed with 2021 me.
The backslide happened, the world didn't end, and I had the guideposts that I had created to help myself out of it. I recognized the binge brain's attempts to lure me back into the comfort of overindulgence, but bingeing no longer felt good. It isn't that I couldn't do it anymore....I have binged a handful of times since...it's that it physically felt terrible; that formerly comforting feeling of being extremely full felt terrible. Instead of comfort, I felt heartburn. Basically, the impulse to binge lingered, but the months spent changing my day to day habits had altered my ability to enjoy it.
Phase 4: The excitement of living in a new place was the extra boost of motivation I needed to guide me back into the daily habits I had started to form. I was ready to take my daily walking habit to the next level. Our new town is very outdoorsy, so we spent the summer hiking like crazy. We eased into our hiking lifestyle on flat trails and slowly worked our way up to harder ones. We closed out the summer with a 9mi hike with 2800+ feet elevation gain. From the end of June to the end of September, I lost 24lbs, weighing in at 223lbs. I was down nearly 60lbs in 2 years; it wasn't fast weight loss, but I couldn't believe how far I had come. Unlike all previous weight loss attempts, it didn't feel hard; I felt like I cheated or something. All of the small changes I had made combined with consistency had really made a difference without setting off all of my binge eating alarms. Craziest of all, I had kept it off.
Phase 5: Backslide 2 Electric Boogaloo--Once again, the winter months and holidays set me back. After Christmas, I weighed in at 235. The early-setting sun and rain/snow put a damper on activities, and too many holiday treats had (and still have) me craving sugar. This year, I was prepared for it.
As of today, February 8, I am weighing in at 226. After the holidays, I resumed my daily walks, supplemented by weekend hikes and a new goal: 30 minutes of any activity in addition to my walks. Some days, its a dance workout video from YouTube. Some days it is indoor cycling (which I used to HATE, but its growing on me), some days it is a bootcamp video or a yoga video (which I still hate but honestly I need to work on my balance and flexibility). I haven't been great at doing it EVERY day, but I know I just have to keep trying. And honestly, if I keep trying and hate it, that's fine, I just need to try something else. Maybe I will go back to running again, who knows.
As for my binge eating, it has been harder to reign in, but it is getting easier week after week. Right now, I am trying to be more mindful of what I want versus what I need. I think that the best way I have been handling it is trying other things before giving in to my cravings; a lot of times I will make myself a cup of tea or eat a handful of nuts and then assess whether I still want the sweet treat.
Ultimately, it is really hard to navigate weight loss and a healthy lifestyle when your brain has spent years telling you to eat everything in sight like the Hungry Hungry Caterpillar. I don't know what weight loss is like for people who do not have an eating disorder, but I do think that those of us with binge eating disorder cannot simply subscribe to methods like CICO or IF.
Right now, I am so proud of how far I have come. I literally used to cry at night because I was so scared of my unchecked eating habits that seemingly could not change no matter how hard I tried to force myself. Two and a half years ago, running a 5K or hiking up a mountain or even going on daily walks seemed unattainable. There are so many other benefits that I haven't even touched on.
And here is my absolute favorite part: I am doing all kinds of activities and working on my eating habits in a way that is actually fun and doesn't feel like something I just have to get through in order to lose weight and have a smaller body. I am still fat, and I know that I will probably backslide again, but I have proven to myself twice over that it isn't the end of the world. I have come so far and it literally started with making my lunch and taking a walk.
So this post is for anyone like me who recognizes themselves in my story as they frantically scroll through this sub looking for help. Hi. I know how you feel. I have a long way to go, but I have learned a lot, and I am happy to tell you that no matter how guilty or scared you feel after bingeing, no matter how many times you have told yourself that you couldn't do it, just know that you can. Be patient, be consistent, and give yourself the most compassion that you can muster, because this is very hard, but we just have to take it one day at a time.
