Hi,
Long story short: I’ve been trying to lose weight for 15 years, and I keep failing.
I’m 31 now (female, 1.75m or 5’9”, around 67kg or 137 lbs). My weight loss journey started when I was 15. I developed anorexia and lost weight very quickly—from 75kg to 42kg in just a few months—despite already being tall. At the time, I didn’t have access to proper information about nutrition. I simply stopped eating and forced myself to stay active all day, every day. It was extremely unhealthy—I lost my period, my hair, and more. Oddly, I remember it feeling so easy to lose weight back then.
That phase lasted about 12–18 months before I started gaining weight again. I couldn’t understand why—it felt like I wasn’t eating more. I was a control freak about calories and tracked everything meticulously. But I started gaining rapidly. Eventually, I broke down and went into a bingeing phase. I gained back all the weight, but my body composition changed drastically: I put on fat quickly and had no muscle left.
When I was 21, I started strength training—four heavy lifting sessions a week. I gained some muscle, but I couldn’t lose fat, even while eating in a calculated caloric deficit. I cooked all my meals, avoided processed foods, hit 2g of protein per kg of body weight, and tracked everything diligently. Despite getting stronger and lifting more, my body didn’t change. I looked bulky and was really unhappy with my physique. This went on for years.
Then COVID hit. I broke up with my boyfriend, lost my job, stopped going to the gym, and eventually dropped to one small meal a day (about 700 calories). I lost nearly 10kg but looked sick—sunken eyes, thinning skin, hair loss.
When I turned 30, it hit me that something was really wrong. I saw my friends looking slim and toned, eating way more than I allowed myself, and I was just tired—tired of trying so hard and still failing.
So I increased my intake to at least 1500 calories a day and started walking 10k steps daily. A few months later, I returned to the gym. I now do CrossFit three times a week, strength train 1–2 times a week, and walk 10–12k steps every day. I’ve gained muscle, I’m stronger than ever, and I’ve improved significantly at CrossFit—but I still feel bulky, flabby, covered in cellulite, with no visible muscle definition.
Since April, I’ve dropped my intake to 1200 calories while keeping up with my workouts and daily steps… and still, nothing. I feel extremely fat and soft, with no change in my physique. I’m completely burnt out.
Nobody knows how badly my mental health is suffering because I never talk about it. My boyfriend and family joke about how little I need to eat to not gain weight, and I laugh along—but it’s killing me inside.
I read all the things online: how it’s supposedly impossible not to lose weight on 1200 calories, how the laws of thermodynamics apply to everyone, how metabolic slowdown isn’t that significant, how pets don’t get overweight on restricted food. I even log 1000 calories in Lifesum to account for a potential 200-calorie margin of error.
Then I read about reverse dieting—how eating at maintenance for a sustained period can help reset your metabolism. That maybe my body is hanging onto fat because it’s undernourished. And honestly, that does seem to be the case. But every time I increase my intake to around 1700 calories for a few weeks, I just gain more weight.
So yes, I’m stuck. I’m deeply depressed. I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been through something similar. What should I do? What is happening to me?
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and respond.
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