Hello all. Weight loss is a serious struggle, as I am sure you all know. I have struggled with Binge Eating Disorder for a good chunk of my life, long before I even knew that there was a disorder with that name. However, I can certainly tell you that I have always loved food. My mother says that as a baby, I wanted to be fed constantly.
Anyway, I have lost a lot of weight. My highest weight was something like 320, and I recently got as low as 180, though I am back up to 210. I hovered around 300 for several years, through college and grad school and thereafter, until I finally was able to do Beachbody's 21 Day Fix program. (I am not trying to advertise here, of course, I am simply telling you how I did it.) Since then I still try to follow the food plan, but have done other exercise programs since then such as TurboFire, 21 Day Fix Extreme, T25, etc. I can safely say that even though I have fallen off the wagon with eating several times, I have not given up exercise.
Regardless, I am having trouble getting back on. I know I said I got as low as 180, but this morning I weighed myself and found I was about 210. Granted, some of this is likely bloat and water weight, seeing as I did binge several times within the past few days, and I am in the middle of my period. But I can say that I am probably about 200 pounds, give or take. I hate myself for letting myself gain this weight after getting down so low, and I keep looking in the mirror and seeing a fat slob, when before I was seeing someone who was getting thinner and prettier.
I am concerned too because it is getting into the holiday season. Halloween already provided ample opportunities for me to gorge myself. I recently moved as well, finally leaving my parents' house and getting my own place, and I can easily say that the stress of that was one of the major reasons I fell off the wagon in August. I am still very stressed right now... I work full time as a software engineer (which I absolutely love), but I am a professional musician on top of that. My music career has really taken off lately, which is great! But unfortunately I am so incredibly busy all the time, especially during the holidays.
This will also sound very silly, but when I first hit my 100 pound mark, I inspired an internet friend of mine to start her weight loss journey. (I know she lurks here sometimes, so if you're here, then hi! <3) And now that she has gotten so far, hitting her own 100 pound mark, I feel like a failure for having fallen off the wagon. Now she has lost more weight than I have. I know it's not a competition, but I feel like it's really hammering my failure in.
My main issue is food and bingeing. I have a very "all or nothing" attitude, which I know is not helpful. I can follow a plan really well throughout the day, but at night after a long rehearsal and work day, when they're handing out Halloween candy and I have to drive an hour home, that candy looks pretty damned good. And it's not like I eat one piece; I eat a lot of them. I am doing several Christmas shows this year, one of which I had done last year, and the pit and I would often go out to dinner between shows. Or there would be cookies and candy or whatever in the green room. And like I said, the stress of the performances and all will make me all the more likely to fall off the wagon.
I have told myself that November is my month. It's a new day and a new month. I am not worried about Thanksgiving because surprisingly my family and I have always had a fairly healthy Thanksgiving. I just need to be able to not buy shitty binge food at the grocery store, and I need to resist when I am stressed and there is delicious junk food. Apologies for the tl;dr! I am part of the Mario challenge right now, which has gotten me to take more walks in addition to exercise, but I feel shitty because my weight has not gone down, but has gone up.
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