[There is a TLDR at the bottom, where I conclude this whole story]
I have been overweight my whole life. When I was 10 (and weighed 100kg), my parents signed me up for a "special doctor team" that focused solely on children's weight loss. It consisted of 3 doctors: a nutritionist, a psychologist and a endocrinologist. Every 3 months I had an appointment, with each doctor, and a blood test (to keep track of my insulin, my cholesterol,my triglycerides...). This was my life for 3 years.
I don't recall when I started being overweight... I just always were. I was in the swimming team, I was in a soccer team, volleyball team. I never allowed myself to sat down on a PE class, while I saw my skinny friends doing it. Even though I felt like it, I knew it if I sat down people would think "Of course she is sitting, she it fat", so I always pushed myself to NOT SIT DOWN.
I quit the medical visits after noticing I couldn't lose weight. I wasn't ready. I was a kid. My relationship with food was my only source of love and comfort. I wasn't ready to let that go.
I turned 19. I was at my all time high weight (150 kg), a gallbladder problem put me in the hospital, threatening my life. "You have to lose weight or you won't survive past your 30's" the doctor said, that was enough to put me in the path I always wished I was ready to follow.
Starting in December 2014 till December 2015 I lost 60 kg. Different diet, different lifestyle. My relationship with food was finally healthy, I tracked my calories, I did my exercise. I took a gap year to solely focus on my losing weight experience. I still fondly remember my schedule: Wake up at 6 a.m, gym from 7:30 am to 11 am, lunch at 12, I would take an hour long walk through the neighborhood at 2pm , snack at 4 pm, yoga from 5 pm to 5:30pm, dinner at 8pm and last walk of the day for 30 minutes after dinner. This was my life for 8 months. I ate the same things. I was happy that I didn't feel imprisoned by food.
I started university in september 2015. Stress and anxiety started to control my life. I was up in 114 kg in april 2016. I freaked out. I felt disgusted. I allowed myself to fall into a spiral of eating, and lounging around because "I had to finish this last report"... It was never the last. I was overworking to strive to be the best student I could due my family being poor and I had only that chance to pursue higher education. I didn't have time for gym, to eat well or to think about my health.
I started my first serious relationship in february 2016. "You have to start some sort of birth control" my mom said. "I don't want you to throw away your education for a unexpected pregnancy" I scheduled an appointment and the birth control implant was the choice. Due to my weight anything with estrogen would be risky. And in a month I gained 20Kg. Insecurities kicked in. Anxiety reached a peak where I was paranoid of heart attacks due the overlapping symptoms. I cried, I was moody, I was clingy. I experienced a version of myself I had no control over.
My Grandma died in february 2017. The concept of mortality hit me harder than it ever did. I was going to die. In a month, year or decade. Doesn't matter. I was going to die eventually. The panic attacks started. I wasn't treating my body right, but I didn't have the time or money to. I didn't have the support. Every time I tried to get my life on track, dieting, exercising, it would be a matter of time until my parents tried to make me cheat my diet "just this once" they would say, everyday. I would ask to buy me certain groceries for my diet, my parents would use it in unhealthy ways, "I didn't know I couldn't touch it" every time I asked my mom why was she using the stuff I asked to buy for my healthy diet. I gave up...
My father started to take pills to lose weight on april 2018. He didn't change his diet. He didn't exercise. He took his "natural special pills", that would cost 30€ a bottle (big amount for a low income family that lived on a minimum wage). He lost weight, not enough because the pills can only do so much in a non healthy diet. He started to body shame me "Try my pills, or you will look like a balloon". And after a year, every day he is still trying to make me do the things he does to lose wight despite not changing his diet. He was always the first person to convince me to stop trying to lose weight so we could both be fat. He always tried to make me fail so he wouldn't be the only fat person in our household. And after he finally wore me down, and convinced me I had no time, energy or money and should focus on my studies instead of my health, he tried to sell me his weight loss tricks, his path...
[TLDR] The easy path. The point of this letter. The easy path for weight loss is a beautiful path that I can't seem to indulge in. It doesn't feel rewarding TO ME. It doesn't make me feel like I worked hard to reach my weight. "You can still eat whatever you want, you just need to take the pills, you don't even need to exercise" I hate when people say this. I hate this view that people are so enslaved by food we prefer to eat the same, than to sacrifice a bit to reach a healthy lifestyle. I don't want to eat the same. I am addicted to some foods that I wish I wasn't. Weight loss is supposed to be tough, is supposed to involve sacrifice. You have to sacrifice the habits that made you gain weight to lose weight. You can't reach your goal weight if you shove unhealthy food down your throat every hour and rest your worries and responsibilities towards your body on a "special pill".
Sacrifice is necessary.
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