My entire life I have struggled with negative self image, and just really not liking the way my body looked. I was always borderline overweight, or on the higher edge of BMI. Ever since I was young, 8, 9, I've always felt bigger and grosser than the other girls. I was friends with girls on my soccer teams that were really toned and athletic and I never understood why no amount of hating myself made me any slimmer. I had no idea about calories or exercise, or even that what you eat affects the way your body looks and feels. I've been joining calorie counting apps, fasting trackers, workout programs, since I was 11, but never following through on ANY. I just would kind of forget and trail off. I figured that after a week of doing 5 minute workouts I wasn't skinny, so why bother? I just continued writing journal entries of revelations, and signing up for MFP for years, still hating myself, still never putting in any effort, just doing what was easy. I ate for comfort, for emotional support, boredom, a distraction. After LOTS of therapy for anxiety and depression, understanding and tackling trauma and emotions, clearing up relationships, getting my professional life in order, I decided the only thing left for me to overhaul was my body. And I was ready to do it healthily and for the right reasons. For feeling good, living long, and being happy, not just to be skinny like my motivation was before.
3/16/20
March 16 will probably hold a special place in my heart for a while. Thanks to a culmination of unlikely circumstances, it sparked my life up. I accidentally laid the groundwork for a weightloss journey through half assed efforts. I sound ridiculous- let me explain.
I wanted to start running earlier in the year. I ran 1-2 times in October, maybe 1-2 in January, just like one day would wake up and feel like running. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I don't know. But it helped me feel more comfortable with the idea of running around my neighborhood, even just a bit. It kind of gave me an idea about what to expect.
So on March 13, My workplace closed for Coronavirus. They planned to reopen in April, but happy September, I'm still on my laptop! I took a weekend to relax and hang out with friends and family, and then I wanted to be productive on my first day of 'real' quarantine. I don't know what I was thinking tbh. So, I went on a run. I found a little trail that led to a small park exactly 1 mile away from my house. I figured that would be perfect because I can totally run 1 mile, right? NOPE. Ran 1/2 before dying on the trail. But I walked home, and ran it again, everyday, until I could run that damn mile. I don't know why. I never stick to things like that, things with nothing on the line. No losses if I don't do it, no pressure, accountability. I was so unbelievably proud of myself for sticking with it though, and it honestly helped me sort out my emotions and choices. For 20 minutes a day, everything was so clear, on that little dirt trail. I probably lost 5 pounds, just by exercising a bit in that first month. After a bit, I mixed up my daily exercise with bike rides, walks, and short 3/4 mile-1 mile runs. (When I say 'run' I mean like a 12:00 pace, def wan't putting in 110%)
I soon noticed that I was looking healthier, and I felt so good. My stomach had slightly gotten smaller, and my shorts were a TOUCH looser. I decided I wanted to go further with exercising and getting healthy in April. I got a fitbit inspire hr, (He and I have a love/hate relationship, his name is Markus) and I made sure to get at least a little bit of activity into my days, even if I just walked around my living room until I had 3,000 steps. One day I just kind of decided to push myself and see if I could run the trail AND BACK. I never really pushed myself to run more than a mile, and consistently only ran that far. I ran probably 1.6 miles when I pushed myself that day, but I was beaming for a day straight, and in the shower I envisioned myself at the finish line of a 5k. It was like out of a cheesy movie, but I saw it, and I wanted it so bad!
In May, I noticed that I wasn't loosing anymore and honestly gaining. I decided to count calories with my fitbit (Fix your food library!!!) and realized I ate easily 2000 calories, and my daily chip binges didn't help with that. I logged calories, but I didn't make a conscious effort to change the amount I ate, because I didn't know where to start. I didn't know what I should be eating, and how much weight I should be loosing. I used a couple other people, my fitbit's suggestions and my BMR and decided to actively cut down my calories. I ate at a good weightloss pace for a couple months, and it really made all the difference. It's only been a few months, so I'm riding that weight loss high, but as I plateu now, I need to remember how far I've come.
I really took running seriously in June, and got to my 5k goal! Didn't get to do an actual race thanks to COVID :(. My personal record is 7 miles. I went from 1/2 a mile and death to 7 miles and being okay after. (That's my record, I usually do 4 miles a couple times a week).
I took updated progress pics a bit ago, and it was crazy. I didn't even notice my body changing! I had no clue that I was lovehandle-less, or that I had a jawline! Anyway, my post is very long, but some last thoughts-
I did it. I NEVER thought that I could be athletic and thinner. I thought some people just were, and some weren't. I didn't realize I had power over my life. I always assumed there were these rules on everything. This journey had also sparked realizations in other parts of my life. There's no rules. There's no rules to clothes, I can wear ANYTHING. There's no rules to cooking, it doesn't have to be a big ordeal, and I don't need 20 specific ingredients for everything, I can try new things. There's no rules, I'm allowed to change however I want. I CAN be one of those women who are healthy and look good. I CAN be ANYTHING I want. Can't believe it took me this long to realize and change.
