I am F (20) 5'2 (160 cm) and 63 kg (138 pounds). Ever since I started university my weight increased from 56 kg to 63 kg in the span of two years. I emotionally eat and I restrict then binge a lot. I also overeat in social settings and I want to try anything and everything. Last June I decided enough and started restricting and doing very long inclined walking sessions for hours at a time. I was able to successfully go down from 61 kg to 54 kg from June to August. I was so happy, so confident, felt so good about myself. People praised me and complimented me every day. Midterms rolled in and I started telling myself I am so thin I can afford to eat what I want. Kilogram after kilogram and by December I have reached my highest weight at 64 kg. I felt so ugly and disgusting. People noticed and started commenting "What happened to you?" and I simply just felt worse. The new semester started and I decided I wanted to lose weight again. From January to April, I went down from 64 kg to 58 kg. Again people noticed and started praising me. I felt good and I told myself I can afford to eat a little bit more and won't gain that much weight. Today it is May 11th and I am at 62.5 kg. I feel disgusting, I feel embarrassed, and I feel so ashamed. I want to lose weight again, I want to feel confident, and I want to love my body. My goal is to just reach 53-54 kg and tone my body with lightweight lifting for better posture. It feels impossible to lose the weight let alone sustain it. I got an opportunity to travel to France for a language learning program for a month. It is my first time being completely alone away from family obligations and social settings. I thought this is a perfect opportunity for me to control my eating habits with no questions like "are you on a diet?" "are you trying to lose weight?" that only put me more to shame. However, I also want to enjoy my time there and not have regrets later that will cause me to spiral out of my eating habits. I know French pastries are amazing and I will also visit Italy in where I will want to try their pastas and pizzas for sure. I am scared of gaining more weight. I haven't been outside the house in 2 weeks, my face is so bloated and my double chin is so noticeable I am so insecure. I am so tired of my attachment to food. I always feel like I will never have enough of it, that it won't be available to me later, that the taste is just amazing. I have had moments where I cried while stuffing my face.
I grew up very skinny, food was rarely on my mind and not offered except twice a day but we had a pantry filled with snacks. I was known to be skinny and petite. It feels like I am just judged for changing. I feel so defeated, and thinking that this will be a continuous cycle scares me. My brain is so tired from thinking about food, imagining food, and feeling guilty about food. I have had irregular periods since the end of last year and continuing until now. My mother took me into a gynecologist and I did an ultra sound in which she saw I had some Polycystic ovaries. I have been taking birth control since January and I feel like absolute shit. I also am growing insane amount of hair on my body making me feel even worse. I hate my body and I feel stuck in the monster that I created. I don't know how to approach weightless anymore. I hate going to the gym, I hate giving up my favorites foods, I hate being on the shorter side. I feel so frustrated and so betrayed with the one thing that truly gave me comfort: food. I miss being excited about meals and enjoying food with friends without looking at their plates and comparing mine to theirs. I don't know what I intended from this post, because at the end of the day it is a calorie deficit that will make me lose weight. I just feel like I am out of control.
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