So yesterday I accidentally signed myself up for a 5 mile race. I meant to sign up for a 5k with my wonderful friend at work who loves to run, too, and her daughter. We laughed about how I had signed up for 5 miles and there was no way I was going to do that... ha ha ha. We got to the race. I ran up the hill and got to the half-way point. It was ahead of me. And to the right was the continuation of the 5 mile run... I looked at my time. I knew that if I turned around and finished the 5K I would have smashed my PR by a longshot. I have been training hard to get my time down. But I also didn't think it would register because I was signed up for a 5 mile. At the very last second this tiny little voice in my head told me, "You could do this. You can just keep going. It won't be that bad. It won't take that long. Other people are doing it... just go." So I did.
I kept running. I text my friend and told her "Don't wait outside for me. I went rogue." And I just kept going. I ran through a beautiful park with icy ponds and little ducks swimming on the thawed edges. I ran through fallen leaves and past fluffy dogs. I just kept going. I got high fives from a police officer and a grandpa who was cheering everyone on at the top the last hill. Other 5 mile runners came back to the course and were screaming for everyone running by and waving at me. Strangers all along the route were cheering me on. And when I got to the last quarter mile, the last stretch, I just kept encouraging myself with this inner dialog: "This is the kind of thing you have worked so hard for. You have lost weight so that you could run again. You’ve lost 130lbs! You have trained and run almost every day for the last 8 months in order to do something like this. You can do this. You can do ALL of this. If you can run 5 miles, you can keep losing weight. You can put in more effort than you have been. You are totally capable of this and so much more. YOU CAN do this."
Then I got to the last block of the race. My friend's daughter was yelling out of their car window to me "YOU GOT THIS! YOU CAN DO IT! YOU'RE ALMOST DONE!" Then her fiancé ran up to me to give me a high five and kept running with me to the end while I kept blubbering, "I did it. I'm almost there. I'm almost done. I did it. I ran the whole thing!" and he's just nodding and laughing until I told him, "I mean I did it. I ran the whole thing. I ran five miles!" and he laughed at me with this shocked look and high fived me again. I saw my friend right ahead of me yelling and screaming my name and I just started sobbing the second I crossed the finish line. She said, "Oh my god. Did you just run the whole thing? The whole 5 miles?" And all I could do was nod and sob, "I did it! I really did it!"
I was filled with so much pride and overwhelmed with what I had just done. I made a vow to myself while I was getting hugged by my friends with tears streaming down my face that I needed to be THIS PROUD of myself every day for what I have done. They were all so proud of me… why wasn’t I that proud of myself all the time? What did my friends and family see in me every day that I can’t seem to make myself see most days? I’m still trying to figure it out… but I owe it to myself to try harder, be kinder to myself, and give myself credit for the things I accomplish.
I have been thinking about posting an update for a little while but for the past couple of months my weight loss has been stagnant, and I wasn't feeling very upbeat about looking back on the last year. The good news is, I managed to maintain my weight over a period of two months by tracking my intake and keeping up with my running. The bad news is, I was not caring that much during that time about myself or losing weight so I did not lose anything and I'm a little bit disappointed that I "wasted" that time when I could have been losing. But... I trained hard and I learned a lot during that time, mostly about how to take better care of my whole self and not just lose weight. I spent so much of my life before I started losing weight really putting everyone else’s wants and needs before mine. I have put my life on hold, essentially, to cater to people around me. Some of it, like providing for my daughter and her needs, is fine. Some of it has been detrimental to my mental and physical health and I have put a stop to it. I have slowly begun to see the me I know I really am come to light.
It has taken me almost 11 months to lose 130lbs. I went from a size 34 jeans to a size 22, which is the smallest I have ever worn as an adult. Prior to this week and my epic run, I was 2lbs away from the lowest weight I have seen since I was probably in middle school. In the last 11 months I went from having pain with just walking across my office to being able to run... to yesterday running a 5 mile race. Every time I catch myself telling myself I should have lost more... I should be running faster... I should be doing more… I just stop and look at how far I have come.
If yesterday didn’t exactly go as you had planned, remember it is just one day in time. Today, tomorrow, any day is an opportunity to start fresh. To appreciate all you have accomplished. To set new goals. To take better care of yourself. Please practice forgiveness and acceptance as we move through the holidays and into the new year. Be good to each other. And to yourself. I’ll see ya’ll for another update in a couple months.
TLD; I "accidentally" ran a 5 mile race. For those who just came for progress pics: Side by Side and another Side by Side, some Face Gains, Deadly side-eye and a bonus picture of me crying after the race
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