I can tell this is probably going to be a rather long post, but this whole situation is frustrating. I want to type it all.
Between the time of my birth, and the last few years of elementary school, my weight fluctuated between normal and slightly overweight. I didn't know that back then, nor do I think I would have cared. I only know now by looking at old photographs of myself from this period of time. I don't remember much from this time, but I know I already liked food, but don't all young children?
Things worsened around fifth and sixth grade, and my relationship with food continued to deteriorate up until eight grade. At first, my food addiction could be written off as a "sweet tooth." Perhaps that's all it was, at first, but at some point the occasional ice cream cone turned into demanding a large shake from McDonald's twice a week, or more if I could get away with it. I would get sweets from one parent, and if the other didn't know about it, I would get more from the other. I can vividly remember the first time I snuck a chocolate treat from my mother, because I wasn't allowed to have any more.
I was picked on in middle school for my weight, starting my first year there, in 6th grade. I became depressed. I ate more. I was bullied more for the weight gain that resulted from this.
Things happened gradually, so I don't know exactly when each of the following became part of the schedule, but by he end of seventh grade, I was having a large root beer float from Wendy's 1-2 times per week. My mother's friend would make me a homemade funnel cake once a week. I would have pizza on Friday, and would eat half of a large in one sitting, and leftovers the next day. I had extra-large slushis probably four times a week. We always had ice cream in the freezer. Honey buns and such sweets were a substantial part of my unhealthy diet.
By my 8th grade year, I weighed 166 pounds, which was way too high for a girl of 4 feet and 11 inches. My mental health had also suffered, and I had both severe social anxiety and depression. At least I had one excellent friend who stayed with me, even when everyone else had turned to bullying the quiet, fat, "stupid," ugly girl.
I was definitely mentally addicted to food at this point. It brought me (temporary) comfort whenever I consumed it. It did not yet leave me feeling gross or disgusted, as it later would.
One day, towards the end of my 8th grade year, I was out at a clothing store. It was one of those stores that have those pillars, where they are mirrors and you can see yourself on them. I got one good look at myself and I saw obesity. I saw my round face and double chin, and the fat gathered all around my stomach, and I felt disgusted.
I realized how overweight I was. It had happened so gradually, I hadn't really noticed it, no matter how many times it had been unkindly pointed out to me by others. I had never felt restricted physically, I had always been able to walk and run as easily as the other kids, so I had never really payed any attention to the fact I was too heavy.
I exercised in secret at first. I didn't know much about exercise, but I found myself jogging circles around the house and doing jumping jacks when home alone. I ate three, then two, slices of pizza (rather than four), and cut back on everything else. I eventually found enough courage to ask my parents to buy water and diet drinks instead of sugary sodas. They were kind enough to do so.
The summer before I started high school, I began to exercise with my family. We'd play tennis or go for walks almost daily, and I made it down to 145 pounds before the start of 9th grade, my first year of high school.
Near the start of 9th grade, I discovered an app called Lose It, which tracks calories and exercise. I immediately downloaded it onto my school-issued iPad, and took to using it daily. At first, my calorie goal was set near 1500, if I remember correctly. I continued to eat better, exercise more, and drink less sugar. I lost weight. I continued to lower my calorie goal, probably to an unsafe low level, but I didn't know that.
By the end of 9th grade, I was around 125 pounds, barely in the normal range. This may have been my first weight loss journey, but so many other things improved as well. I actually began talking to people, I was no longer depressed. I got more friends and went out more often. Things were going very well, and my bullying diminished and then disappeared as I was successful in school and in life.
This is where things began to go wrong. I noticed the positive effects of losing weight, so I began to restrict too low, eating 500-800 calories most days. By the middle of 10th grade, I was down to 114 pounds, my lowest weight that I could remember. I was still trying to lose more.
I don't feel comfortable going into much detail on this, but several bad incidents happened at school during 10th grade. As if that wasn't bad enough, later, a new mental health issue arose, and the results were severe enough that I was put into a homeschooling program.
I once again began to eat for comfort, and stopped tracking my calories. I started to eat as much as I could without anyone noticing, anytime I was left home alone. I would eat anything available, and make my own sweets if none were available. I took food that wasn't mine, or wasn't yet prepared, just so I could eat it quickly. The disgust I would feel afterwards would be immense. I made myself sick on several occasions.
I have had several short periods of time where I have improved my health. Last year, I spent two months doing strength exercises, just long enough to begin seeing results, before I relapsed into binge eating.
I've had more "last binges" than I can remember. So far, the one from yesterday is still my "last." I hope to keep it that way, and I'll try to stay active in communities such as this one for support when I need it.
Now, I am 5 feet tall (and I won't grow any more), and 160 pounds, close to my original starting weight. I have hypertension. High blood pressure, at 17 years old. Not just a little high either; it was around 150/100 last time it was checked.
I'm in 12th grade, and taking my classes through a new online schooling program. I am charging my old Fitbit right now, hoping it still works. I downloaded the weight loss app today, on my personal iPad this time.
I've started my second weight loss journey today, and hope that like last time, I will see positive results in other aspects of life as well as my physical health.
If anyone has actually read this far (it doesn't matter, I mostly typed this for myself), can you please do me one favor, and let me know if you have any suggestions.
Best of luck to all of you trying to lose weight, I hope you succeed.
