I'm sorry if this whole thing seems sobby, I just want an outlet to let go of thoughts.
So I've been doing CICO for a little bit now and I've lasted longer than I have ever done before. Usually I would give up on day one even. Just thinking about Taco Bell at 3am would drive me insane. But for some reason this time it's actually sticking with me, and it's different. Maybe I've hit my special moment where I just am sick and tired and I don't care anymore. Maybe it's a form self harm? Maybe this is what everybody goes through when they accomplish hard goals. I'm not sure yet.
I came to a point recently where I am truly realizing I am suffering because of my weight and how I view myself. I have always struggling with insecurities through highschool and college dealing with other people. Just hearing about girls going to parties made me want to cry inside because I knew I was too afraid to invite myself to a party and nobody has still ever invited me. I even tried to take my own life after one night at a bar because I came home drunk and alone after my reaction to a rejection. Though alcohol played a huge role and now I limit my drinks. Everytime I see someone attractive I get this huge shadow that drowns me in sorrow because I feel like I'm not worthy. Even to this day I still feel that. I've always associated my looks with feeling accepted. Maybe if this girl smiles at me I will feel like I belong here. I know I have a problem, I've been to therapy and been on medications. I've always struggled with self esteem. But this is different, this is a whole new depth of pain. I don't know if it's because I have yet to accomplish many goals in my life, including weight loss which has been huge for me or if it's because I really don't care anymore about life, so I mine as well do the things I've wanted to dk. But I've hit the tipping point.
This started when I went on a recent date with my SO for spring break, I kept looking at myself in the mirror. I felt disgusted and ashamed at what I had done and who I have become. There's no other time I have ever looked in the mirror and wanted to cry more and just drive away for good. I got fed up and after some thoughts I decided to hurt myself, but in a good way. I actively joined the no fap community to deal with my addiction to pornography. I believe my self esteem issues stem partially because of that. Around the same time I also started eating using CICO. It was a difficult thing to do, especially both of these together. Addiction usually drags me down and keeps me blind to not realizing I'm hurting myself and the people I love. But it's this pain from these urges and addiction that keeps going. Fighting my addiction is a way to self harm me but for the better because the pain feels good. I've spent nearly 16 hours a day on my studies, work, and cleaning up. I have no intention of playing video games or watching TV because it's like I get high off non stop working.
Am I just rationalizing bad ways to cope by tipping the spectrum over from binge eating to not eating as much? Am I just developing workaholic syndrome and eating disorders by doing this? I've always wondered what drove people from bad times to become stronger. Maybe they felt the way I am feeling right now. I don't know, something that keeps me going whether it's a fire inside or the fact that I don't care about much anymore.
I don't know, I don't really even know why I made this post to be honest. Maybe I just wanted to get this off my chest or have someone listen to me. I'm sorry for any bad grammar as well.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2ChYQd8
