Hi all. This is my journey. Part of it, anyway.
First, the stats. Female 35 almost 36/ 5’4/SW: 240 CW: probably around that. GW:140
The last time I was at a healthy weight was in my teens, 15 years and 100 lbs ago. But even then, I had a horrible relationship with food. It was restricted for me as a kid to an extent, and as a result whenever I was given food freedom (outside lunches in HS, raiding fridges when I was at friends or babysitting, taken out by friends parents for birthdays) I GORGED. As much as I want to say something along the lines of, “Boy could I pack it away back then!”, I can see now how the truth is so much more complicated than that; yes, I was a growing girl back then. Then I reached adulthood and stopped needing those calories. But I didn’t have the tools yet to change my habits and the lbs piled on and on and on, ever so slowly. So slowly. My stomach went from flat to now my biggest body part by a lot, folded over at the bottom and making it hard to do anything normal like tie my shoes and not look 8 months pregnant all the time. I try to roll back the tape to find a concrete moment, a turning point, a rock bottom, an answer, and all I see are a series of meals and moments, recoiling after looking at myself in pictures, and times I looked at the number on the scale where the number traumatized itself burning into my memory - and still I didn’t stop there.
My mental and emotional state made it all so much worse. I’m extremely depressed and anxious, but I’m not dumb - and I don’t believe that anyone here is, really! Don’t we all know CICO is the real and only answer for weight loss!?! However, In retrospect I see the flaw in holding this limited mindset. I see how shouting “jUsT dOn’T CoNsUmE MoRe tHaN YoU eXpEnD” is like telling someone in poverty to “just get a job” or someone in an abusive relationship to “just leave them” or telling someone with depression to “just be happy” etc etc etc. It’s simple, yes, but not easy!!! - another phrase we hear a lot here too. Yes, It’s as simple as CICO. But I had obstacles in my way that I needed to work through to get to a point where I could practice CICO and live a happy fulfilling life simultaneously.
I came to this shocking conclusion, that we are all only human. We are all beautiful and very flawed and ever evolving. We don’t always do the “right” thing, the most rational things. I fooled myself HUNDREDS of times into thinking that “starting tomorrow I will NEVER AGAIN eat more that I expend in a day/eat after 6 pm/go 24 hours without a workout, and EVERY DAY I will drink 8 glasses of water/walk 10k steps etc etc etc. I mourn for that younger version of me who was CONSTANTLY actually looking forward to living a miserable existence for a period of time in order to lose weight by summer which turned into whatever event came next until the whole thing repeated before the next summer.
If you’re waiting for the secret, the pivotal moment where everything changed so you can replicate it, I have news for you; good and bad. Here is the good - the secret, the mantras that will hopefully change everything:
1.Live each day as if you have reached that goal. Healthy future you eats healthy and works out too. Do that now, at whatever level you can/ is safe now.
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Words matter, a lot. - it makes a difference when you differentiate “hot, future you” from “fat, current you”. News flash - they might look different, but inside it’s the same person.
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If you’re like me and you know you must do cico but you’re just not doing it, first figure out why. Therapy and meds helped me a lot. I was in survival mode, and wouldn’t give up my comfort food for anything at the time.
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Big changes can happen in small steps, and if you can find steps that enhance your life rather than make you dread it, LEAN INTO them - that’s the BEST place to start! Walk, don’t run! Buy the pre-made fruit and veggie trays. Do stupid dances in your home.
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This was an extension of 4 but I think it warrants a new number. If workouts are too hard, do as much as you want and then QUIT!!!! Seriously, just quit and try it again tomorrow. You will get there, as long as you dont make yourself miserable doing it - because you have to do SOMETHING active every day and an hour or more a day is a long ass time to do something you hate. walk.
Here is my bad news - My credibility is so-so because I’m at the start of my journey and I can’t tell you if i’m losing for sure because I refuse to weigh myself (lol - I’m just trying to be super honest here!) It’s not for no haes reasons (you’ve read far enough to know I’m not down with that…), it’s simply because I know that if I regularly check my weight and don’t see progress, I will get so frustrated that I just know I will quit on the spot, and seriously guys, I can’t give you a number right now but trust me, I’m doing GOOD. I’m on a roll! I’m now enjoying a ~80% plant based diet and I’m eating the good stuff - not junk! I regularly bike as my form of commute and for fun on weekends, I walk everywhere, and I’ve started incorporating weights and abs in my morning and tv time routine. I bought some new cute clothes (in my size and cheap) for summer and lots of extra bike shorts and stretchy bras so I can’t use the excuse that “I have nothing both cute and comfy to wear” to keep me from going outside.
I know I’ve kind if been all over the place here, so thanks for sticking around. If my story speaks to you I’ll totally respond to you in the comments. In conclusion, below are the words that pretty much encapsulate what I am trying to say and where I exist in my journey today:
TLDR; Physically I am ridiculously far from where I want to be, and yes it hurts a lot. However, I’m committed to living today as if I was already there - making healthy, self-compassionate, and ENJOYABLE choices everyday! Through that practice, I can see what my life will be like in 1, 5, even 10 years from now, and it looks really, f*cking, awesome.
I wish everyone the very best in their journey!
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