A long winded post about stress and change and simultaneous growth and reduction.
TW: Miscarriage
A little about me: I'm 34 M working a desk job in the construction industry. I always wanted to be on site, but due to a young diagnosis of osteoarthritis, that was not going to be possible. I was diagnosed ADHD in 2020 and have been working to correct the poor coping habits I've developed throughout my life. Married and have a 4 y.o.
Before my kid was born, I was 205lbs, 25% bf. The first year of being a parent I was able to hold steady, but then covid hit. Suddenly we were eating out of boredom and as a coping mechanism for being stuck without physical interaction. This hit me hard and I gained 15 lbs that year.
In 2021 I was onboarded onto a project at work that would essentially ruin me. What I was told was that I would have help and be able to learn from senior staff, but was cast into the pit alone to dig myself and my team out. Any pleas for help fell upon deaf ears. It was a full year of stress, late nights, anxiety, and prolonged sickness.
In the midst of this, we suffered our own loss. In March of 2022 we found out that we had suffered a miscarriage. My response to this was to close off. I wasn't me anymore, I was a shell. And the only emotions I expressed were anger, resentment, and indifference. Behind closed doors, I didn't exist. Depression hits everyone differently. For me, I let everything go and focussed on the only thing that didn't matter: the job that was killing me.
I finished the first phase of the project and was looking forward to my newest assignment. As we were in cleanup mode at work, I began to regain some of my autonomy and realized that everything around me was in shambles. My autopilot had eroded my relationships with my friends and family, I hated everything about where I was in life and how I looked. I had gained 24lbs from December to August and lost 5 from sickness and stress. At my heaviest I was 244lbs. I decided in Mid October that I was done with the BS that got me there. No more late nights, no more pushing myself beyond reason. It was time to focus on me, for me.
On Oct 30th I downloaded the Lose It! app to see what my calorie intake was, something I failed to do when I tried weight loss in the past. I found out very quickly that I was actually eating pretty well, but my late night snacking was the issue. Apparently eating a bar of cheese and 2 boxes of crackers, a pint of B&Js and half a tub of peanut butter a week isn't good for you. Who knew?
I put myself on a calorie deficit. Not a diet. I still eat pizza, tacos, chicken nuggs, and whatever the hell I like weekly. I just make sure I'm not eating 1500cal of snacks every night.
The next stages of change came quickly. Nov 1st we were called into a meeting to discuss the phase 2 team. I had been promised that I would be moved to a new project since july. Instead, I was told I'd be leading it for another 6 months. I called my office champion into a meeting and told him if they didn't take me off the project, I was quitting. He told me he wish I had said those exact words 6 months ago. I was off the project by the next day. Since then, I've transitioned to several different projects and found the love for my work again. In 2 days I had started to tackle 2 major things dragging my life down.
I started therapy in November. I highly recommend to anyone without one to get a therapist. And don't be afraid to drop a bad one. Sometimes you need someone with zero skin in the game to provide perspective and help you identify that, yes, sometimes you are the problem and here is a healthy way to deal with that. They helped me continue that healthy "eff everyone, I'ma do me" attitude from its inception through lower points I had yet to meet. It helped me become better at communication, at identifying pain points and addressing them, and I'm slowly working on other areas affected by my ADHD.
On top of this, my wife and I worked on our own relationship issues. We have completely changed how we communicate, stopped avoiding hard conversations, and reinvested our time into dating each other again. We are in the best place we have been since we first moved in together and set up the tools to keep this going.
I was 238lbs, 31% BF when I started tracking and now I'm down to 196lbs, 24.5% BF. Lighter than I was at my wedding. I have been gradually lessening the deficit as I get closer to 185 and plan on planting myself therish and working on body recomposotion. Ultimately it's not really my actual goal because there is no goal.
Am I enjoying food still? Yes. Am I starving myself? Absolutely not. The only way this has worked for me is that it is sustainable. It's not "do or die", there is no set goal, there is no end date, and there is no one else telling me what I can and cannot do. I don't glue myself to the scale. The mirror and my activity level are my measurements. If I'm happy with me, that's all I need.
I have significantly more confidence. I'm undoing the damage of a lifetime of imposter syndrome and body dysmorphia. I'm focusing on the things I like and the things I am proud of, not the things I wish I could change.
I am absolutely feeling 100x better mentally and physically. It's funny how when you start looking at the net positives how your demeanor changes. For the first time since highschool, I feel attractive. Sometimes I catch myself in the mirror and just go "damn, who dis?", snap some pics to my wife and wait for her giddy response. Not something I ever would have done before this even when we were dating. She has been telling me that she has never been so attracted to me because of my found confidence and self image. It probably helps that somehow through all of this, I packed on a bunch of muscle in arms and chest. I like to joke that it was just the dirtiest dirty bulk of my lifetime.
The odd compliment has been nice, but they aren't what I'm in it for. I want to be better. I want to be the best me I've ever been. I want to be a better role model for my daughter to show her that you can do great things if you do them for yourself, not for others. That you are only as good as you see yourself, not how others perceive you, ghat it's never too late to course correct, and that sometimes you just have to admit a small defeat to succeed in the long run. That there is no shame in stepping back to step up.
Now I just need to find a tailor or a sewing machine that won't break the bank and doesn't suck so I can taper all of my shirts that no longer fit. Buying a new wardrobe every 3 months is hard on the wallet. I finally care how my cothes fit and can't bring myself to go back to wearing a tent over my body.
Thanks to this community for the information and support and the inspiration to just keep going. It's been a blast and I can't wait to see where I land. Understand that it isn't just about the weight or the fat or the lack of activity that holds people down. It's everything. It's life, love, time, and stress that
Cheers
