Hey all. I've been a lurker of this subreddit for a while now, and since I have nobody to talk to about what's been weighing on my mind, I've decided to share here in hopes that I can get some recognition, advice, words of encouragement or whatever.
My story is kind of a long one so bear with me.
I honestly can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't fat. I've made countless attempts to lose weight and all of them ended in failure. 2019 was when I made my best attempt as I lost 60 lbs, but alas, I ended up gaining it all back and then some in 2020. And in 2020, I knew damn well I was gaining the weight back because I was eating to cope with feelings of loneliness, boredom, uncertainty and sadness, so I didn't care how much or what kind of food I was consuming as long as it tasted good and gave me a sensation of fullness. I avoided the scale like the plague during this time, I just didn't want to deal with the reality that I was undoing all of the progress I made the year before. I mean, of course I knew I was, but seeing an exact number on the scale to find out to what extent would have actually been truly eye-opening and would have crushed me.
I continued to eat emotionally and recklessly throughout 2021. Late 2021, I became a victim of a crime (I'd rather not go into specifics here) and became hospitalized as a result of it. I needed surgery. I couldn't function on my own. And I was already depressed beforehand, and what I went through exacerbated my depression. Once I was discharged from the hospital, I could function better, but I still wasn't fully independent. As you might have guessed, food was my source of comfort while I was recovering, so I ate emotionally and recklessly throughout 2022 as well.
Before one of my surgeries, my surgeon informed me that I was over 300 lbs, and I was kind of shocked but not really? On one hand, I never thought I'd reach such a high number, but on the other hand, I had a feeling that things have gotten that bad because I could hardly fit into any of my clothes anymore and I was breaking furniture in my home just by sitting on them. So, hearing that was definitely unsettling, but I was somewhat relieved to finally know an actual number. He advised that I change my diet soon, but I didn't. Not then.
2023, I'm fully independent now, I've been in therapy, and on March 12th I started a new weight loss/self-improvement journey. My starting weight was 332 lbs. I weighed myself on April 23rd and my weight was 305.2 lbs. I weighed myself a couple of days ago on May 23rd and much to my chagrin my weight was 301.6 lbs. Meaning, I only managed to lose about 4 lbs when I was hoping to have lost more than that (FYI, I don't weigh myself regularly. I don't want to get too caught up in numbers because I know I'll let it affect my mood and determine how I feel about myself and what day I'm going to have).
So, right now, I'm feeling discouraged, scared, hopeless, depressed, etc. I have a lot of fat to lose, and I know complaining about it won't make me lose weight any faster, I know I didn't gain all of the weight overnight so I'm not going to lose it all overnight, I know my ideal body is a long game, yadda yadda yadda...I just have to get my emotions out somewhere. I'm disappointed that things panned out this way, that I let things get this far and I feel so alone because nobody in my life can really relate to me. I don't feel heard or seen by anybody in my life, honestly. My weight has always been my main insecurity. I never felt comfortable or confident in my own skin. Whenever I'm among people at a gathering or party or some social event, I'm afraid to be social. I don't think anybody would take me seriously or talk to me like a human being because I'm so fat. And I was ostracized and bullied and tease for being fat in school which ruined my self-esteem. I'm disgusted by what I see when I look in the mirror. And I just resent that it'll most likely be years before I get to where I want to be.
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