I tend to ramble, but I’ll try my absolute best to make this short and sweet. Here goes.
I am 15 years old, just about 5’0”, and approximately 150lbs at the moment. I know. Not pretty. Just a little backstory- a couple years ago, for a window of time during both 6th and 7th grade, I began to become obsessive about calories and nutritional facts along with my weight itself, constantly and compulsively weighing myself, absolutely destroying myself and experiencing levels of self-loathing and miserableness that I could never even put into words. It was awful. I lived off of the things people said- asking me what I’d done to myself, if I was sick, if I even ate anymore. I wanted them to be scared. Being known for how thin I was gave me such a high, and I was so obsessed with it. I was the ONLY thing I cared about. I was so isolated. So lonely. I lost sight of everything that mattered. I dropped a good amount below what was considered a healthy weight for myself throughout that time period, but when I decided to turn over a new leaf.. boy, do I turn over a new goddamn leaf. On Halloween night of 2017, I decided to let go and binge after months upon months of self-starvation, and I told myself it was just for one night, but I couldn’t stop myself from that point forward. I started piling on the pounds, overeating every day- I had been so, so deprived, and it was like I was making up for it all at once, and I just couldn’t get enough. But, of course, I had screwed up my metabolism badly and gone into extreme starvation mode, so the weight came back very, very quickly.
December of that year, I moved across the country, and the depression that experience put me into only caused me to binge more and more. From October 2017 to summer of 2018, I managed to put on around 50 pounds. I continued to binge and overeat almost daily throughout eighth grade, but my metabolism had settled by then, so I only gained around 20 pounds as opposed to what I had put on during the prior year- bringing me to the point I’m at now. In all honesty, I am struggling very much to cease binging, and while I’m not really gaining weight from it at this point (I would assume my metabolism has had time to cool down a lot throughout all this and has kind of just settled), I know it’s extremely unhealthy and that I need to stop. It’s a work in progress, though, and I can feel myself getting better, for real this time. But that’s beside the point.
I know exactly where I want to be a year from now, and I plan to achieve it. See, I had to move back to my hometown after about a year and a half of living where I’d moved to, and I’m currently attending the high school that I’d always thought I was going to attend before I’d found out about the move. My school has a JROTC program, and they offer different teams for cadets in the program- and that includes Raiders. Being a Raider is all about toughness- mental and physical toughness, and you have to have a lot of it to endure the things you do throughout training. It’s composed of 5 different, physically challenging events that involve running, heavy lifting, and supporting yourself along with your team. It has been my dream to be a part of this ever since I’d heard about it years ago from my brother, but due to the fact that I’m not nearly in optimal shape for it, since I’d lost all of the motivation I’d had for running and physical fitness after the eating disorder and the weight gain and everything, along with the fact that I dealt with a really bad hip injury earlier this year, I had to give up that dream. I settled for doing Drill instead this year, and I’m truly trying my best, but I know in my heart that it’s not for me, and the only reason I’m doing it is because I needed a replacement for Raiders, since that had been my dream and my plan for such a long time. Everything- the team bonding, the physical training, the ways it so obviously betters you as a person and has already bettered all of my friends who’ve had the opportunity to be a part of it. It’s my dream- what else can I really say? In all honesty, I’m upset and angry that my eating disorder and my awful relationship with my body stole my dream from me, but I guess the only thing I can do to solve that personal trauma is to get over it and move forward. And, like I said, I know exactly where I want to be a year from now, and that’s on the Raiders team. I’m willing to work my ass off to get to that point, and I do believe I can do it, because I will do anything to get to where I want to be, and nothing can change that.
I’m a pretty methodical person when it comes to my goals, and I believe I have my weight loss plan in check already, but I’ve been feeling very conflicted about another aspect of this whole thing. As the title suggests, I’m having trouble establishing a goal weight. And look, I know it’s not really a necessity to have one, and that I can just move along in my weight loss journey and cross that bridge when I come to it, but, like I said, I’m methodical, and I don’t just want a specific, pre-established number to work toward- I NEED one. But, as I researched ideal weights for a 5’0” female, I realized the criteria was a bit lower than I’d expected. I’d previously thought 115 was an alright goal, give or take a little, but in discussions and online forums about this topic, that’s chubby, overshooting in terms of what I should aim for. It sounds like 100 and 90-something is the ideal, but I just don’t know if my metabolism will allow me to go there. Looking back on pictures, I was actually quite thin at around 100, which I was a little less than 2 years ago, and forget 90-something- I don’t believe I’d be physically able to get that thin, considering my history as well as the fact that I come from a family of larger-framed (yet in-shape) women. But then, I see pictures of 100 and 90-pound women who are the same height as me, and they perfectly healthy and nowhere near underweight. So now, it feels like I have to up my previous standards and shoot even lower, because it seems like I’d still be pushing fluffy at 115 or even 110. But I want to be realistic about what I can achieve in a timeframe of around 10 months, because I want to be in the best shape possible for Raiders when the time comes. I have my fitness and diet plans set for the most part, but I’d really like to set a goal for my weight. If I’m a couple pounds off, it’s okay, but I do want to be in the best shape I can be in. So, is 110 or so too much for someone of my stature, or can I set it as my healthy, realistic Raiders goal weight for a year from now? I will not achieve this in any disordered manner, I’ve gotten over that phase in my life and I plan to achieve it in the healthiest way possible. I just want to be shooting for the right number. If you have any viewpoints you’ve like to share, please do! I’d appreciate it so much.
