I’m sharing this post in the hope that it will reach even just one person that’s had similar struggles to me.
TW: sexual abuse and eating disorder
For my entire life I’ve been chubby. Never obese, just overweight. I’m a 22 year old girl and I’ve weighed around 160-170 for my entire adult life. I’ve always been the chubby girl, ever since I was a child. I vividly remember my doctor being very excited for me when I was the proper weight at 5 years old. Never again though.
I’ve tried crash diets many many times and they’ve always failed. I would calorie restrict to 100-200 calories a day and work out for 2-4 hours a day. I’d do this crash for 5-6 days and weight myself 10-15 times a day, agonizing every time my weight went up. I developed bulimia at age 16 and threw up all of my food for about a year. Then I just went back to binging.
It always came from a place of shame and deep self hatred. I’ve been sexually abused several times in my life and I have major abandonment issues. Food was one of my many crutches, along with alcohol, nicotine, and sex.
So what’s different now?
Well, I drank heavily for about 3 years straight. Then I was sexually assaulted at a club and decided to quit alcohol. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’m almost 2 years sober.
In that time I allowed myself to have enough self love that I got a good job and a boyfriend that I love dearly. It’s been baby steps, but I’m letting love into my life.
The other day I thought to myself “if I can quit alcohol and have a healthy relationship, be a homeowner, and be successful in my career, why can’t I lose weight?” So I began a journey of self reflection. Turns out I didn’t think I could ever be skinny. I still can’t visualize thin me, but I’m going to allow her to exist. She’s been wanting to come out for a long time and fat me is going to let go and allow thin me to take over.
The point got driven home this week when my bf told me that he was proud of me for wanting to better myself and that he’ll always love me no matter what. I broke down because that’s the opposite of how I’ve always looked at weight loss. I saw it as me being such a disgusting creature that I needed to be thin to be loved. But he reminded me that I need to love myself no matter what, and because I love myself I’m going to do this.
So here are some things I’ve learned/observed this week. It’s been a long one.
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I have way more time than I ever thought. Instead of getting home from work and sitting on my phone, I can work out, meal prep, hang out with my pets, do chores, shower, AND have time to unwind.
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Food tastes way better now. When I know I’ve worked for it and I don’t just shove it in my mouth whenever I feel like it, food tastes HELLA good. Like so good.
-I’m happier now. I’m happy because I’m listening to my body and what it wants/needs and I’m taking care of it. Working out, drinking more water, and eating good foods make my body really happy.
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my sex drive is back! My poor bf has been dealing with sex MAYBE once a month for about 6 months now. Now I can’t stay off of him.
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I sleep better and wake up easier. I thank IF for this. When I stop eating early I don’t go to sleep feeling gross and I don’t wake up feeling bloated and disgusting.
-food costs have gone waaaaay down. No eating out and eating less = more money for fun shit.
- I’m more motivated in general and I love cooking again.
Ok thanks for your time y’all, best of luck to everyone and I’m excited to share my before and after pics
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