For most of my life I’ve been overweight and constantly toeing the line with a BMI of right around 30. Both of my parents were morbidly obese. My mother got weight loss surgery when I was about 12 which brought to light many of the body image and self esteem issues I had brewing under the surface. Even at 12 I was so jealous of my mom for losing weight, I felt like it wasn’t fair. Later in life I’ve become immensely proud of her. My dad got diagnosed with diabetes last year and has since lost about 80 pounds and is getting closer everyday to getting off of his meds.
I’ve battled eating disorders since I was 13 and put myself in dangerous cycles of restricting myself and starving, then binging often for a couple months at a time.
In the beginning of 2020, I faced the most debilitating depression that left me in bed and isolating myself in university. It was the result of doing nothing to take care of myself and leaving my depression untreated for so long. I truly believe my body dysmorphia and self esteem issues were one of the biggest factors in my depression. I’m studying voice at an amazing performing arts school. Singing has been my passion for so long, it is my favorite thing and always has been. However, during this time I felt no happiness or creativity and I didn’t even want to sing, which was terrifying for me. I left school for a semester to focus on my mental health, something that I’ve promised myself I’d do time and time again, but never succeeding or really seeking actual help. I started therapy for a second time after not going for two years and slowly started to make healthier choices, but never really buckled down or got my shit together.
Then Covid happened. I’m young, have no underlying conditions, I’m just kind of fat, so I’ll be okay right? I started seeing articles linking obesity to higher mortality rates in covid patients, which of course makes sense. For so long I’ve justified my obesity to myself because “I’m not that fat” or “I make relatively healthy choices” or “I don’t look or feel like I weigh 193 pounds”. It doesn’t matter what you look like; if you’re obese, you’re obese. I really asked myself if I’m at a higher risk of dying from this, and I was finally honest with myself and admitted that the answer was yes.
So, in April I decided enough was enough. I need to do this for myself, and I need to do it the right way. I’ve worked really hard on my mindset with the help of therapy and now I understand that food is fuel and moving your body more really does make a difference in my mental health, personally. Who would have thought that the advice you’re always given to aide depression would actually help if you stick to it, lol.
I’m proud to say that I’ve lost almost 20 pounds so far and I’m feeling better than I can ever remember. I’m actually feeling relief from my chronic back pain due to an extra vertebrae for the first time! I’m singing again! I’m doing yoga and exercising everyday and eating food that makes me feel good and gives me energy. I still have a ways to go, but I think this is what a mental breakthrough feels like. I’m so much more open with my partner and family. I feel the happiness that always seemed so out of reach. This is my life now. I’m holding myself accountable and I have a much better relationship with my body and mind. I feel like I have my life back and I’m so grateful to myself (something I don’t think I’ve ever said out loud) and my wonderful support system.
So, it took a global pandemic for me to finally get the ball rolling. What made you decide to take action?
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