My apologies for what is going to be a lengthy post. I just really wanna talk about this, one because I see so many posts about "how do i lose weight" that include things like "i wanna love myself again" or "I don't like myself"
I wanna start of with saying, not liking that you are unhealthy is okay but you are so much more than your unhealthy body/your bad eating habits, you are so much more than the numbers on the scale, no matter if you are overweight, you are worthy of love.
So let me take you to what is a bit more than a year ago now, but not even a year and a half, yes that's how quick it went.
I was just over the obese line, and just not doing great mentally, there were a lot of things in life i wanted to change, but the thing i struggled with the most was my looks, and mostly how big i was. I spent my entire life flirting the line with obesity, i was already bullied for being obese when i was in elementary at a bare 10 years old, my unhealthy life style handed down by my family who are all really obese, and i mean all (well of the aunts, uncles and such, luckily me and the family members around my age have realized that it is not a good way of living) I was always treated horribly for being overweight, getting bullied and just being very unfamiliar with the idea of the kindness of a stranger, all i knew were dirty stares and bullying, and slowly but surely that idea crept into my mind: I was a less worthy human being because i was fat.
The first phase was "acceptance" I hated my situation but felt like I was just doomed to live it, there was nothing I could do about it, there was nothing i should do about it, some people are just less. That's how the world works, I battled depression and suicidal tendicies for a long long time, but the older I got the more people I got to meet, the more I saw of the world, i started to realize a few things: 1) every human being is worthy of love and especially things like weight did not really matter 2) a lot of people actually do believe this, I got therapy and things started to get better
Let's fastforward a bit, lots of ups and downs happened, it was a long road. So let's start with this weightloss journey shall we? See I already had this realisation, everyone deserves love, most importantly self love, no matter their shape, but that self love wasn't something I had gotten around to myself. I really wanted to be "healthy" I set my weight goal with a doctor and got going, at first at a very healthy rate, I lost maybe 5lbs max per month, and really took a good look at my eating habits, but the self love stayed behind. The first time I weighed within a healthy weight range I was over joyed, but I looked in the mirror and still didn't like what I saw, if only i was a little skinnier I thought, then I could love myself, I was still a few 10pounds away from the goal me and my doctor set so I gladly kept going, this is when things started spiraling. Cheat days became non existant, whenever other people I shared this journey with talked aout their cheat day, I would applaud them, tell them how important that was to have as well. But I couldn't allow myself that luxury, I was still too fat, I had to be hard on myself, I had to move heaven and earth.
The months ticked by and I just got harder and harder on myself, every meal that resembled a cheat meal, any snack that was a snack was just wrong. I started noticing myself, something isn't right here, but I chalked it up to just being very driven. I reached my goal weight and thought "i'm still too fat" so I thought okay another few lbs won't hurt, people carry fat differently maybe I just "carry it badly". My first goals of being healthy were gone, it was now about being thin, because if I was thin I could love myself, only then.
Eventually my period stopped coming and I saw a doctor, she made me promise not to lose more weight, that was by now about 10lbs ago, obviously I didn't stop, just a bit more I thought, then maybe I could love myself. But I started realizing myself something is really really wrong here, I'm not at a weight where I can still be fat, yet that's what I still see, but it's not possible.
It wasn't long after this my parents sent me to a psychiatrist, who sent me to another psychiatrist in a hospital, I didn't know why at first, i'd never been "handed off" to another psychiatrist like that before. That's when they sat me down and told me I had anorexia and needed guidance from a psychiatrist that specialized in this nasty little being that has taken it's residence in my mind. I call it a being because honestly it's not me, I don't want this, I don't really wanna lose weight anymore, I don't wanna obsess over these things, I do think my weight is fine, even a little low and I often think "FFS WHAT ARE YOU DOING" when I'm obsesively moving in place or when I take my plate of food my mom made upstairs just to trash half of it because 'I can't possible eat all that' (even though they are very resonably sized portion) but lately it feels like this being is in control a lot and not me, and since a few weeks we're trying to compromise, because eviction isn't so simple.
I never thought I could fall victim of this being, I saw and heard of it a lot but remember when I was a teen I mocked it thinking i'd never fall for it, I loved food too much (very funny, i still love food, the taste can still blow me away, but the consuming guilt after wards, or the way I "save my kcal" by not eating all day only to eat a kid sized portion of my favorite food because if i enjoy it it must be bad right?) I was always gonna be the fat/obese girl. Anorexia and I were two things that could not be put together, the idea was ridicioulus.
But it did, it sank it's little claws into me and it over took me, in the end seeing the scale go down didn't even bring me joy anymore because it just wasn't enough. I still didn't love myself. I'm luckily (for now) escaping in patient care as my doctors believe i have a good support system (I count my lucky stars for my mother and my amazing friends who have been greatly supportive with this) and because I show my own want to overcome this. I'm now being followed by 2 lovely psychiatrists one specialized in eating disorders and one to help me love myself and a nutritionist to eat healthier (because what I've been doing lately isn't healthy at all either). Me and this little being, we're learning to share this body until I get back on my feet enough to really kick it out, for now we've comprimised in not weighing things anymore, eyeballing is allowed but no more kitchenscales to weigh out every little thing. And only activity at "designated activity" hours, no more standing in my room walking up and down just to get extra activity.
I want you guys to know that this being is real, that it's mean, and that it starts out very very subtly. And that it will not allow you to love yourself, to be happy with your progress. So please embrace every success you have, and love yourself because you are worth it, no matter your weight, love yourself just because you even started this journey and it shows how strong you all are , you are willing to improve yourself and that's amazing.
Welp, if you read this to the end, that's another thing to be proud of! I hope it was okay i shared my story here
