First I want to thank each and every one of you for fostering this amazing community. I have been a long-time leech, looking for inspiration at times when I have not been able to create it for myself. Reading your stories, seeing your struggles, watching your successes and failures - I learned that I am not alone. I realized that I, too, could achieve what I once thought to be impossible. Now it is my turn to share my story, in hopes that others will see something in themselves that they see in me, the way I have been able to through the years. If I can impact just one person's life in the smallest way by writing this post, then I will feel like I've given back a tiny fraction of what I have been able to get from you.
Before, After
So much has been a blur; I'm not sure where to start.
I was a pudgy kid. I always have preferred the indoors to the outdoors, and the associated activities. However in my teens and early twenties, I was physically fit. I was relatively active and had an athletic frame. This was mostly out of a desire to fit in and get laid. Mentally and emotionally, however, I was not a healthy person. Over the years, through a serious of traumatic life events, I quickly spiraled into a deep depression that I could not pull myself out from. I ate through the pain, gaining over 100 pounds in a year. And kept going, and going and going. The truth is, I didn't care. Nothing mattered. Getting out of bed was a victory for me, and everything in life seemed impossible. My relationships suffered, which perpetuated the feeling of loneliness and isolation. I blamed the world for my problems, while simultaneously hating myself to the core. I didn't look in the mirror for over 6 years, completely fading into the background. That is how I wanted it; that is where I felt the most comfortable - as part of the "gray"; as part of nothingness. YEARS went by that in retrospect, seems like months. I would not recommend it ;-)
Out of necessity, I began going to therapy several times a week, and taking anxiety + depression meds. Through this process I was forced to face my emotions and look inward; something that I had actively refused up until that point. Although this was one of the most painful things I have ever done, getting this deeper understanding of myself put me on the right track to feeling like a human again. Then, came the work.
Discipline has never been my strong suit. In fact, I had none. ZERO. For better or worse, things in the past have come easy for me. This had conditioned me to expect things to be easy. When something difficult came along, I was useless to deal with it. I was not conditioned for anything that took time or focus, and defaulted to avoidance. So when I stepped on the scale one day and saw 340lbs, my world shook (as did the ceiling of my poor downstairs neighbor from the sheer weight of my footsteps). That is when I turned to this community. This community taught me not to focus on the end-goal, but to make small, repeatable goals that you KNOW you can achieve. Through this process, I found my success.
By putting on the blinders and focusing on the immediate goal, suddenly everything was achievable. I focused on small, sustainable changes. And boy, does it start to snowball. Trust me, things that seem hard now you will look back on as easy.
Here is what worked for me:
- The "turning point" for what enabled me to start in the first place, was learning about how much of weight loss comes from what you eat. I always envisioned having to work my butt off and run five miles a day just to shed a few pounds. And I hated exercising, so it seemed unachievable for me in a sustainable way. By realizing the simple math problem: "weight loss = calories in < calories out", and learning that "calories out" is mostly just from existing, my perspective changed entirely. Your body burns so many calories just to run its systems - and the bigger you are, the more it needs.
- I focused first just on calories. I knew how hard it would be to completely change my diet, and with the theme of sustainability, I feared the "short term diet" causing me to bounce back. So I continued to eat the exact same foods I was eating before, just put guidelines and restrictions around when and how much. I used MyFitnessPal to track everything, which was eye-opening. By being cognizant of the calorie count, I realized I didn't need that extra "thing". I also had built a nasty habit of snacking on processed garbage every single night in bed (candy, chips, etc). By just not snacking at night, it became much much easier to hit the calorie goal.
- Another thing that made it easy to hit the calorie goal was skipping breakfast. I know this might be hard for a lot of people, but I was already only eating breakfast sometimes - so it was a natural progression and became easy to tack on. I focused on drinking half my body weight in OZ of water every day, and it worked miracles. Seriously, folks - water is like a magic medicine. Not only did it keep me full in the mornings until lunch time, but it gave me more energy, helped me sleep better, focus better, etc. I know it sounds crazy, but do it! WATER WATER WATER.
- After about 4 months or so of that, I was already noticing major changes. It might not have looked like it, but I was nearly 50 pounds down! By keeping track of my weight every day, I could see the numbers dropping and it inspired me to keep going. Not focusing on the end goal, but focusing on seeing that number get smaller week over week. Even 50 pounds lighter, my peers didn't notice or say anything, so it was a bit discouraging. But I felt it. My belts and jeans and shirts started fitting differently, and I started feeling good about myself for the first time in a very long time. That was just the fuel I needed to keep going. And the "paper towel roll effect" is real. It becomes much more noticeable at a much faster rate, the further along you go.
- I then started exercising. I had not originally planned to, but that snowball effect I alluded to earlier is real. You start to get on the "high" of feeling good, and you want to chase that high with more things that you know you can accomplish in addition to what you are doing, to feel even better. I suddenly wanted to exercise. Not a lot, but a little bit. I have always hated running, so I learned how to properly lift weights. I was too self-conscious (still am) to go to the gym, so I got some home equipment (you can do everything you need with some dumbbells and resistance bands).
- The exercise changes your life, folks. It is the process of exercising itself that gives you so much energy and positivity about yourself. Having body positivity for the first time in my life made me want to keep going. And again, just focusing on what is sustainable, and slowly adding more with time. Do what you know you can, not what you think you can't.
- I then started learning more about nutrition. Focusing on macros instead of calories made me much more accustomed to the shit food I have been eating all of the years. I am able to have 3x as much food for half the calories, and have it be balanced in a way that makes my body happy. It became a "game" to hit certain macro goals, and it really opened my mind to healthy eating. Within just a couple months, your taste buds change entirely and the stuff that you used to think was gross, becomes the stuff you crave. Then, the heavy, greasy stuff becomes less appealing. Although still enjoyable, you can't eat nearly as much without feeling odd/ill. So you still get to eat whatever you want (in moderation), but you end up preferring the healthy things. The body is pretty awesome like that.
Fast-forward to today, and I'm one year in to my journey and 155 lbs lighter than I was at this time last year. I went from 4XL to medium (or large slim), and a 46" waist to 33" (yes, 13" off the waist!). I had to donate my entire wardrobe, from undies up to suits. The only thing I was able to keep was socks and shoes. There is nothing more cathartic than going through your closet, putting stuff on, and realizing its WAY too big - when last time you tried that thing on, it was WAY too small. All of this fuels the fire and contributes to the snowball effect.
And here's the kicker - everything in my life started to improve (and it will in yours, too). I sleep better, have more energy, have a more clear and focused mind. My personality changed and I am engaging in social relationships I would shy away from. Things that used to feel impossible now inspire me. My interests completely changed - instead of dopamine chasing, I now choose activities that are harder and take time to appreciate (golf, reading, cooking, piano, etc). As it turns out, all the best things in life are hard and take discipline. That thing I never had.
I've been on this journey long enough now that I have had a couple dips, but I now know I have the tools to get back on track. One step back is nothing compared to the many steps forward, and flipping the switch is a choice. Just do it.
I can honestly say I am very proud of myself, and that is something I never thought I would say. I want you to be proud of yourself too. I KNOW you can do this. If I can, anybody can.
You WILL accomplish your goals, as long as you take it one day at a time and continue to march forward.
