So yesterday marked my 22nd birthday. The first birthday I've ever had that I feel was completely meaningless, which I guess means I'm officially an adult.
however, because it was my birthday yesterday, it means that today is the 2 year anniversary of when I finally started caring about my health. It's also the day the first picture was taken. That's how I looked at my worst, 261lbs. I had been overweight most of my life, and obese since I was about 14, but my entire life I never saw myself as a fat person and kept pretending to myself that I was something different. August 22nd 2017 is the day I decided to make that dream into my reality.
This is the story of how I overcame my depression, recovered from alcoholism, lost 106lbs, and found a purpose in my life.
Pictures here, dates at bottom and explained throughout the post.
(I'm not totally sure how r/loseit will feel about this, it's half weight loss and half (healthy) weight gain. I tried to be detailed though!)
Background
I had messed around with diets on 2 previous occasions in my life. The first time was when I was in high school, I knew next to nothing about health or fitness and just took the basic steps that everyone knows they should do in order to lose weight. The common sense diet. I went from drinking around 2 litres of soda every day, and eating what now seems like it would have been at least 1500 calories of candy and chocolate every day on top of my regular meals, to not drinking any soda and limiting my "junk" food intake. I also made a more conscious decision to try and eat fruits and vegetables as well as lean meats. I lost a little weight but at the time I was too ashamed of myself to weigh in before or after. This attempt to lose weight lasted maybe a month, but some of the habits stuck. I learned how to cook, remained conscious of my junk food intake, and started eating vegetables.
The second time, when i was 18 I had heard online about the idea of counting calories, but never knew apps existed to do this for you. I looked at the packaging of the food I was eating, wrote the calories into the notes on my phone and tried to exercise. I lifted weights with no structure, and used my elliptical machine for an hour maybe once a week. I lost 36lbs this way, then went on vacation and returned to my old habits while on that vacation. Once I returned home I was too ashamed of myself to weigh myself anymore. This attempt ended once the vacation did.
The third time was a success. My dad and my sister had both been dieting for a few months before my birthday, losing around 30lbs each. I noticed they were both using myfitnesspal and heard my sister talk about how easy it was because it tracked the calories for you. In work later that day I decided to download it and check it out. I never liked the layout so I deleted it and downloaded a similar app called "loseit." Still to this day 2 years later I use that app to track my food, once you've logged a few thousand foods it's hard to go back. Before this diet I was in the worst place I've ever been mentally, I had my heart broken by my girlfriend of 2 and a half years. She had mentally abused me, i felt like I was dependant on her but looking back I now realise she was a horrible influence on my life. Once she broke up with me I became an alcoholic. I used to struggle with depression (used to, more on this later) and after breaking up with her I started to drink, every single day. I was going into work drunk, eating their junk food twice a shift, leaving and drinking. I wanted to die but I saw myself as being too pussy to kill myself, I couldn't do that to my family. Drinking made me care less about how others would feel if I did, and i saw it as an easy way to actually kill myself. I drank every day for around 3 months, spending the entirety of my days looking forward to going home and killing a couple shots. I wasn't a functioning human being for those months. Eventually I met another girl and she pulled me out of this hole without even realising it. It felt like she was the first person I had met for years who actually cared about me. That girl was the best thing that ever happened to me, i couldn't act the way I had been around her, and I wanted to impress her by changing my life completely. She was the motivation for me to stop drinking, the motivation for me to start. Discipline is what kept me doing it after.
The weight loss
When I started this journey I knew it was different this time. I was determined I was going to do it properly. I spent my free time reading everything online about nutrition, trying to figure out what was waffle and what was real information, it was surprisingly difficult. When I was younger and had attempted to lose weight I tried to half ass the research and believed everything I read from a "post workout feeding window" to "your body can only digest 20g of protein at a time" and was too lazy to check if this information was actually real, but this time if I thought something was real I normally did follow up research. I started by just eating what I was already, just making sure I got the calories within my calorie goal, a 1000 calorie deficit. Slowly over time I made changes to my diet, eating more vegetables, caring about my protein intake, and gradually decreasing all the things that didn't benefit me. Food became fuel.
I work in fast food, so to start with I was still eating burgers most days, this changed over time. Even though it was incredibly tempting to be around the fast food every day, one benefit it does bring is that it made sure I wasn't completely sedentary. Walking 40 hours a week isn't enough to be considered exercise, but for a 261lb man i couldn't survive a shift without breaking a sweat, and it definitely burnt a few hundred calories. On top of this, I slowly started to learn more about exercise. I went back to lifting weights with no real structure, and started to play golf every week with my dad. Golf as a fat person burns a surprising amount of calories, I averaged 9 holes of my course out to be around 500.
I made a few mistake with this journey, I kept the deficit too high even when my weight was starting to get really low, I believed that there was no point in me lifting weights while losing weight because I wouldn't have been able to get stronger while in a deficit, and eventually stopped trying. The first mistake was just a fat man desperate to see his abs for the first time ever, the second was a mixture of my fat self being too lazy to work out, and my new self believing waffle without clarifying.
I finished losing the weight on July 28th 2018, I maintained my weight for a few weeks then went on vacation to america for my 21st birthday. The second picture is taken on August 21st 2018, the day of my 21st birthday. 155lbs
Once I got home I weighed myself every day for a week, noticed I hadn't gained even a quarter of a pound while on vacation, reassured myself I knew what I was doing and then decided to bulk up.
The Bulk (So Far)
As the weight loss neared a close I did a lot of research into bulking, I discovered r/fitness and decided that a lean bulk was the best approach for me, because the idea of putting fat on too quickly again was not appealing.
The first programme I ran was this: https://darebee.com/programs/ironborn-program.html
It's basically a beginners dumbbell only PPL. I ran it twice, and then afterwards started to learn more about optimal training, and adding more exercises and more sets to it.
I started out using only a pair of adjustable dumbbells, then a barbell, and now I own basically an entire home gym. (Located in my bedroom. Big bedroom.) I started to learn more about how to target each muscle, rep ranges, volume of training, the basics of programming and slowly wrote my own PPL based on the equipment I had. My training was far from optimal, for a while the most weight i could put on the dumbbells was 15kg each so my rep ranges for a while were in the high 30s for some exercises. Eventually i bought more weight, and I'll continue to buy more as I get stronger.
I also started to use my elliptical machine, and eventually got into running. After a while I was running 10 miles a day, as well as a half marathon at the weekend. I tore my calf because my mind was a hell of a lot stronger than my body, and had to stop. I tore it a further two times by trying to rush back to where I was too quickly, but eventually after the third tear I went to a physio, shes been rehabbing it and I've been slowly getting back into running for the last 3 weeks. This struggle with my calf has made me realise that sometimes I need to just relax, trust the process, and stop being so hard on myself all the time.
So far I've put on around 26lbs, a little bit of this has been unnecessary fat gain because occasionally my former fat self would reappear for a day and I'd put down 8000 calories, yet my abs have always stuck around. I think the pressure of trying to be so hard on myself led to an unhealthy relationship with food. I've put a stop to this since, and my diet is the best its ever been with complete freedom to eat "junk" if ever I want, but i never really want to because i feel "clean" food makes me feel and function better. The third picture was taken today. 181lbs
My current programme looks like this, I'm currently nursing a slight shoulder injury so my Push day isn't totally accurate to what im doing right now, but this is what I will be doing once its fully healed:
| Monday | 4x8-12 Back Squat | 3x8-12 Front Squat | 4x8-16 RDL | 3x12-20 Hamstring Curl | 4x12-20 Hip Thrust | 3x Calf Raises | 3x Bent Leg Calf Raises | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Tuesday | 5x6-12 OHP | 5x6-12 Flat Bench | 4x8-16 Incline DB press | 8x12-25 Lateral Raise | 4x12-20 Skull crusher | 3x8-15 Chest Fly | 4xAMRAP Ab Wheel | ||
| Wednesday | 3x8-15 Deadlift | 5x8-16 Bent Over Row | 4x8-20 Shrugs | 4xAMRAP Pullup | 3x8-12 Chest supported row | 5x8-15 Hammer Curl | 5x8-15 Dumbbell curl | 5x8-20 Bent Over Flys | 4x AMRAP Dragon Flags |
| Thursday | 4x8-12 Front Squat | 3x8-12 Back Squat | 4x12-20 Hamstring Curl | 3x8-16 RDL | 4x12-20 Hip Thrust | 3x Leg Bent Calf Raise | 3x Calf Raise | ||
| Friday | 5x8-15 Bench Press | 5x8-15 OHP | 4x6-12 Incline DB Press | 8x12-25 Lateral Raise | 4x8-20 Dumbbell Tricep Extension | 3x8-15 Chest Fly | 4x AMRAP Side Bends | ||
| Saturday | 5x8-15 Bent Over Row | 4x8-20 Shrugs | 4x AMRAP Pullup | 3x8-15 Unilateral Row | 5x8-15 Concentration Curl | 5x8-15 Barbell Curl | 5x8-20 Band Pull Aparts | 4x AMRAP V Up | |
| Sunday | Rest | Or | Possibly | Mobility | Work | Probs | Not | Though |
I've discovered that my biceps respond to a lot of volume, as well as my chest, so there's a lot of sets for those muscles. I also don't have any reps written down for my calf because I'm just increasing it as instructed by my PT. As a few months pass I'll add more volume. I'm also running Monday Thursday and Saturday right now, and intend to play golf on Saturdays again once my body is fully healed.
Life For Me Now
Well first off, as I mentioned earlier I no longer have any real problems with my depression. As you can imagine repeating the same injury 3 times in a row was pretty soul destroying, especially because it's not just a minor tear, I had to take weeks off of everything that involved being on my feet for any prolonged period of time, I had to take months off of work, but I never let myself get too down mentally. I've been upset, I've felt depressed, but the difference is that now I can wake up the next day and feel better. Now I can tell that every day that passes everything will be a little bit better, and it's so refreshing almost always waking up happy. Having people in my life care about me helps massively, but I've come to realise I shouldn't only live for peoples opinions of me. I don't think depression every truly leaves you, it just sits dormant, but constantly having goals helps with keeping it dormant. Eating well, exercising and having confidence in myself also help massively.
I dont really drink anymore, but I'm not completely sober. I was on vacation last month and I had a few drinks, (the 4th picture is me on vacation. Tanning oil, good lighting and a slight tan means that's the best picture I have of myself to date) I'm being taken out for dinner this weekend and ill probably have one or two drinks, but it's a choice to have it. I do not feel dependant on it, and I treat it as a thing for special occasions because most of the time it doesn't appeal to me. i would say i'm fully recovered from my struggles with alcohol now.
i'm still not totally used to looking how i do now. 10 years of being the fat kid really leaves it mentally stamped into your head that is how you look. I still check myself out in the mirror a lot because i'm not used to seeing what I see. i'm working on accepting myself for who i am now, and I'm trying to continue to learn and improve my physical and mental health. I also try and help people who ask me with their health and fitness related goals because I've definitely learned a lot over the last 2 years.
My diet nowadays is basically the same types of food every day, but with a lot of variety. I eat around 4/5 meals every day, made up with some sort of carb source such as rice or potatoes, a protein source in the form of meat or fish, and a tonne of vegetables. Breakfasts are normally some sort of oats with fruit mixed in and a protein shake, or wholegrain cereal with a protein shake, or peanut butter on toast and a shake. The option to eat junk food is always there now, but most of the time I never want to... aside from the huge slice of cake I had yesterday.
I no longer break a sweat at work, I no longer get out of breath from a slight jog, I no longer eat because I'm bored and I do not treat food as a drug. I'm starting to finally fill out shirt sleeves, and I can finally look at myself in a mirror and feel happy about how I look now, and know that I'm only going to keep improving myself both physically and mentally. I get compliments from girls about my appearance for the first time in my life. I'm ambitious, I'm driven. But most importantly I enjoy life.
Goals for the future
First off I want to get back to running and lifting properly. My body hasn't worked at 100% since February but this is the closest I've been to full fitness since then thanks to my wonderful PT.
I'm going to commit fully to this bulk until the end of the year. I dont want to think about cutting until I'm close to 195/200lbs.
I've always wanted to be in the military, that's why I balance lifting with running, but a few months ago I decided my goal is to sign up for the British parachute regiment. I find that I function best when I push myself to be the best i can, and just settling for regular army doesn't feel like it challenges me enough. (no offence anyone at all) Because of this, once my calf is fully back to normal and I can run properly again I need to get down to around a 6 minute mile.
I would also one day like to be around 200lbs at hopefully around 11% bodyfat, I'm still not totally used to having abs so I like to think I'll have them forever.
My lifting has no real numbers attached to the goals, I want to be big and strong, doesn't everyone? I'll keep lifting until I no longer can, PR's will be set and broken during this, none set as of yet.
And lastly, I like to think I'll be able to run marathons with relative ease when I'm a few years older.
I have fairly lofty goals, but that's how I like to think about my life nowadays. I like to feel like I'm chasing something. Constantly trying to better myself physically and mentally. "Make your goals unreasonable. Chase your unreasonable goals with an unreasonable amount of effort, tenacity, intensity and ferocity. Maintain an unreasonable amount of anger over failing to meet your unreasonable goals. Do all this, and you will create a margin between you and those who were pursuing reasonable goals that is completely unreasonable." - Mythical Strength
Resources I've found useful
https://www.reddit.com/r/weightroom/comments/6674a4/dr_mike_israetels_training_tips_for_hypertrophy/ - Dr Israetel's general guidelines for how many sets per week people on average can handle was pretty useful for creating my own routine, but treat it as general guidelines. He has said very clearly that these are averages from himself and people he has trained. Start low and find your own numbers over time.
https://renaissanceperiodization.com/expert-advice/hypertrophy-training-guide-central-hub -renaissance periodization, as a complete beginner it was useful to be able to look at their ideas of exercises that hit certain muscles and figure out what I could do with my makeshift setup.
https://thefitness.wiki/ - Read the fucking wiki. Seriously. This fitness shit is only complicated if you make it complicated. There's a lot of advanced science about it all, but as someone who just wants to lift heavy shit or look better it is not important for you to know it all. The basics work.
http://mythicalstrength.blogspot.com/ - MythicalStrength's blog is fantastic. Probably my favourite strength related content on the internet, wide variety of content, both thought provoking and entertaining.
https://davidgoggins.com/ - David Goggins. Former fat boy turned navy seal and hard motherfucker. His whole life is based around embracing the suck. His life story is fascinating and his book was a good listen while running.
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