Thursday, September 5, 2019

Only 3.4 pounds from my original weight loss goal, and...

(5”9 19 F) Well, I thought I’d feel ecstatic at this point, really. I thought I’d be over the moon happy, yet here I am. I’d even say I’m more skeptical and slightly disappointed, honestly. I’m so close to my original goal but I don’t feel any of what I thought I would. Maybe it’s because I don’t look like how I imagined I would by now, but it just feels really odd, to say the least. I started at 174 (I thought it was 176 but looking back I weighed myself at night, so I took off two pounds to make up for food and water) and now I’m 148.4, my original goal being 145. I have shifted the goal posts to 140, as I know I won’t look how I want at 145, and I think I’ll be happiest with my weight there. I am still happy to be at this point, I just originally thought I’d be so much more excited about it. Either way, I’m only 8 pounds from my new goal weight, so yay!

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It's taken me years to ask for help when I was struggling...and I finally did it this week for my weight

This will be long but TLDR: My doctor suggested a weight loss program at the hospital (bariatric surgery certified) a few months ago and I finally called them and my first appointment is Thursday!

Throughout my life, things have always came easy to me. Didn't need to study much in school, sports came easily, I could draw and paint, musically inclined, accepted into programs etc. etc...basically failure didn't happen to me. I remember failing some spelling tests back in the 2nd grade. Anytime I started struggling, my stubbornness and pride ensured that no one ever knew and I would quietly breakdown and push on. I didn't cry, I didn't show emotion, I was bubbly and personable but I didn't show anyone the pain and hurt that bubbled just underneath. Until a wonderful professor in college. It was my final year and I was struggling.....hard. I had experienced many stressful school loads in the past, but those seemed like child’s play compared to the research I was currently working through, on top of my typical studio projects. Somewhere between my 67th page of a literature review, 12th concept sketch for studio and my 8th straight day of less than 5 hours of sleep, my mind became completely overwhelmed. During a meeting she asked about a missed checkpoint and I revealed my struggles, fully expecting to be berated about my laziness or lack of effort I had received from my parents in the past. But, I was met with more empathy and understanding than I've ever received or had for myself. She game me a second chance and I finished school incredibly strong and with a very important lesson - ASKING FOR HELP IS OKAY.

Two years ago, I had an incident and realized that my anxiety was becoming dangerous. I worried constantly and it would occasionally come out as anger towards undeserving victims. Luckily, I had become very close with some new friends and while I was upset and mad with myself, they asked if I'd ever considered talking to someone. "No, I don't need help" But I really thought about it....and they helped me find someone in my area that I could go see. I've been in therapy for about a year and a half and have resolved so many issues in my life...but even in therapy I struggled to be emotional and ask for help. One early session, I was becoming increasingly aggravated at myself because I was on the verge of crying and my therapist looks at me and says "You know, this is a safe space and I have you flanked on all sides by boxes of tissues. It's okay to cry." and I lost it. Now, I have empathy for people, I embrace my own emotions and don't hide them, I am able to set boundaries and am more confident than ever before. But even with all this self-improvement there has been an underlying voice saying "You're not worthy" and since I'm posting here I bet you can guess what that voice represented...

Ding Ding Ding!!! If you said "Weight" you are today's big winner!

I have struggled since middle school to lose weight. Mind you, I was at a fairly healthy weight in middle/high school, maybe 5-10 pounds overweight at max. but I was constantly being told "Don't wear that, it's not flattering" "You can't wear those shoes/skirts/shorts because of your cankles/thighs/large calves" (I played soccer...yeah my thighs and calves were beefed up) "Are you sure you want to wear that?" from my mother. She has struggled with her weight since I was born and I can now realize some of what she said was projecting onto me, but it truly destroyed my self-confidence at such a young age. I still have anxiety visiting them and freak-out and have to put make-up on before I get to their house for fear of my mom making a comment. I recently wore a new outfit I adore while visiting them and was panicked all day wondering what she thought and if people were judging me because I was *gasp* wearing shorts in summer even though there is cellulite on my legs. I honestly don't remember a time I wasn't trying to lose weight, I remember trying to count calories, doing leg lifts and crunches in bed every night, trying to develop anorexia (teenager brain wasn't always so smart), feeling the need to lose weight for any event, terrified of performing on stage, sitting in different ways so my "gut" wouldn't show...the list goes on. But, since my initial college struggles, I've learned that asking for help can be amazing and extremely...well...helpful. So, after getting a referral from my doctor a few months ago, I finally called and set-up my first appointment for a Medical Weight Loss program at the local hospital. They are all board certified bariatric people and have behavior therapists to help address food issues, dietitians, group therapy and different program options that they design a program for each individual based on food preferences (real food vs meal replacements) and go through an entire body composition testing and a bunch of stuff that's in the packet that I don't remember off the top of my head.

I know, r/loseit can be a stickler for "Just count calories, it's math" and I've seen that work for people and I'm soooo happy for those that can do it! But, living with my boyfriend and seeing how he and his family view food and treat themselves, I realized that how I think about food and weight isn't awesome and I want to work on my relationship with myself and be healthy and feel worthy of love. I've always tried to lose weight to look nice or from fear or judgement (parents, family, random people, myself) And I've never shared with anyone my struggles to lose weight and what I look like, yeah I may act confident but there is a very very insecure lady at my core. And I don't want to feel this way forever, I don't want to be so harsh, judgmental, and full or resent towards myself. So I asked for help. Most people struggle with weight at some point in their lives and we kinda talk about it in a superficial Mean Girls way, but really being vulnerable and open doesn't happen too often in the real world. I'm going for it, all in, and I'm not sure what to expect, but I am so loved and supported right now, that I honestly don't think I could fall even if I tried.

Apologies for the novel, it kind of turned into a therapeutic raving. I will keep y'all posted with my journey (if y'all aren't mean) and I am so looking forward to continuing my path of self-improvement!

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National Cheese Pizza Day Giveaway @RunEatRepeat Instagram

GIVEAWAY!! WIN a $50 gift card! Today is National Cheese Pizza Day! And I want to have a pizza party… but that’s hard to coordinate. So instead I’m giving 1 person a solo party in the form of a $50 gift card! (Okay they don’t have to have a solo party… but you know what […]

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Wanting the body I should have had

I feel like this post might come off as vain, but I’m struggling to change these feelings. About the only body part I like right now are my breasts, and I’m worried that if I lose the weight, they’ll become saggy.

Thing is, I could accept it if my breasts were just naturally saggy (I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that at all). But I just can’t get out of the mindset of ‘if I had never let myself go, I would have the body I was supposed to have, not the body I will have post weight loss’. I just want the breasts I should have had if I’d have always been a healthy weight (or keep the ones I have now).

I know I’ll gain other things by losing weight, and this really shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is and it’s making me lose motivation to lose weight.

I’d really, really appreciate it if anyone could help me change my mindset!

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NSV: I broke the 14 minutes per mile barrier, and set a new 5k record!

So, one of my goals in me weight loss journey has been to improve my running ability. Ever since middle school, when we had to do the "mile run/walk" as part of PE, I was never really good at it. But, since starting my journey, I have doubled down on improving my ability to run--both sprinting and long distance.

To achieve that, I have been dedicating 2 days per week out of my 6 day exercise schedule to focus on running: M, T, R, F weight training, W and Sa cardio/running. When I started, I could only average 3mi/h, and through cardio specific HIIT (ex: 4 minutes fast walking @ 3.5mi/h, 1 minute running @ 5mi/h), I have progressed to 3 minutes fast walking at 4.5mi/h and 2 minutes of running at 6-6.5mi/h (increasing each interval). And whereas before, I could only keep my pace up for 45-50 minutes, I'm now at 93-97 minutes for each session!

All of this has led to yesterday, where I completed 7.03 miles in 97 minutes, with an average pace of 13'52", new 5k record of 39'11", and I wasn't completely dead afterwards!

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My transformation -- first time poster.

(tinyurl contains pictures of my progress)

A friend had reached out to me and asked that I post here, and I decided that it was time to share with the world my own journey. It hasn't even been a year, though I am more than ready to show my results with you all.

The day was January 5th of 2019, a day that I remember all to well. I had just sat down at the computer after waking up to jump on World of Warcraft to play with my friends. Straight from the bed and into my computer chair. A great start for my 400 pound self, though this was the usual on my days off.

This had been nearly five days straight with a cold, and I couldn't shake it. Though today was different, my head was pounding and it hurt to even breath. Each breath I took I could feel an ache wash over my back, and so I complained as I sat in Discord with my online friends.

They begged and begged for me to go see a doctor(which mind you, never been a fan of the doctors) and make sure I was okay. Typically? I ignore any signs of being sick and just suck it up..that wasn't happening today. And so I got a shower..around 2 pm or so.(yeah, this was my life) Grabbed myself some pizza from the fridge for "breakfast" and a soda to go.

The next thing I know I am sitting in the medstop and the nurse says "You need to go to the emergency room right now." As she took my blood pressure, which was 194/119. I was rushed to the ER where my life would take a sudden change.


January 6th, 2019 -- I'm home from the hospital, though a very..very late night and I am trying to figure what to do with the information given to me from the hospital. It was phrased along the lines of "you are dodging bullets, you can only dodge for so long". I was scared for the first time..in a long time about my weight.

It had always been something that I've known was an issue..my diet was an issue, and my lack of doing.. anything besides sitting in front of a computer was wearing upon me. Though, at one point in my life? I stopped caring. I was uncaring about my health..and I accepted what my life had become.

My parents had begged and begged that I get weight loss surgery..but I ignored it. I kept saying "I will lose it my own way, I don't want surgery." Perhaps I should have gotten the surgery..but right now? I needed to work on getting my life in order.

So there I sat online, playing WoW and trying to figure out what to do. So I messaged someone I played with in my guild. This person and I, we never really got alone to begin with. In fact I personally hated them. But that being said, he knew his stuff when it came to exercise and dieting.

He gave me advise after I talked with him, and till this day? The best advise he gave me was "to make it public". Let everyone know about your weight loss, it will fuel you and force you to hold yourself accountable. It will hold others accountable as well.


January 7th, 2019 -- The first day, possibly the biggest struggle as I stood in the supermarket trying to figure out what to buy. "Stick to the outside while you are shopping. Vegetables and Protein". My life was changing all in one day. Tombstone pizza was my usual go too. Not to mention other terrible things that I could gorge myself on.

I stood valiant, and I was able to achieve shopping healthy for the first time in a long time. Exercise started today as well, and DDP yoga was my exercise of choice. I've done it before in the past..but I never stuck with it more than a week. Could I truly do this? I needed too. I needed to get my life in order..else I may not have a life.


Today(9/5/2019) - It has been a journey, back in January I had told my guildies that I was going to lose 80 pounds by October. I felt like it was something I could achieve. We had a trip and guild meet up during that time. And 100 would be my goal before January 7th of 2020.

Today I weigh in at 116 pounds less than I did back in January, and I am in the best shape I've been in a very long time. I've started doing intermittent fasting back in February and even do OMAD on weekends. My diet had changed, and it isn't even a chore to keep up with it; my diet is just part of my day too day.

Exercise has continued and I've even participated in two 5ks as well. Never would I have ever considered doing a 5k..but I absolutely love them. I'm happy, I'm active and best of all? I love who I am. I love myself, and I'm motivated to keep going no matter what.

I do want to thank everyone that has been a shoulder for me to lean on during this time in my life. I still have a long journey ahead of me, but for now? I am happy with my results. Anything is possible, you just have to put your mind too it.

Pictures: https://tinyurl.com/yyqa7bnn

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Annoyed by my slow progress

Ok so I am proud that I’ve dropped from 247 to under 210. That’s 30lbs basically.

What I’m not happy about is my remaining body fat. I want to be 190 by December 25. I really WANT this.

How bad do I want it? Because I keep overeating anyway. I exercised enough to where I could probably be losing about 0.5lbs/week but I’d love to lose 1.5lbs per week or even 2.

Why am I not sticking to it?

I don’t know. I like Buffalo Wild Wings. I like beer. It’s a once a week thing. Also, I overindulge in treats sometimes.

I just want to stick to a consistent diet that results in a speedier weight loss. Even if I eat 100% healthy foods, I overeats those. I’ll boil eggs and eat all of those lol

I want to be the smallest I’ve ever been (I’ve been 194-200 before without muscle, I definitely have more now). So I’d love to feel that small except with more muscle!

Any advice for how to not overeat???? This is soooo annoying for me. I use food to cope it seems.

Idk I want a thick ass, slim waist. I’ve got the thick ass, my waist is just not where I want it. 😢

Halpppp

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