This will be long but TLDR: My doctor suggested a weight loss program at the hospital (bariatric surgery certified) a few months ago and I finally called them and my first appointment is Thursday!
Throughout my life, things have always came easy to me. Didn't need to study much in school, sports came easily, I could draw and paint, musically inclined, accepted into programs etc. etc...basically failure didn't happen to me. I remember failing some spelling tests back in the 2nd grade. Anytime I started struggling, my stubbornness and pride ensured that no one ever knew and I would quietly breakdown and push on. I didn't cry, I didn't show emotion, I was bubbly and personable but I didn't show anyone the pain and hurt that bubbled just underneath. Until a wonderful professor in college. It was my final year and I was struggling.....hard. I had experienced many stressful school loads in the past, but those seemed like child’s play compared to the research I was currently working through, on top of my typical studio projects. Somewhere between my 67th page of a literature review, 12th concept sketch for studio and my 8th straight day of less than 5 hours of sleep, my mind became completely overwhelmed. During a meeting she asked about a missed checkpoint and I revealed my struggles, fully expecting to be berated about my laziness or lack of effort I had received from my parents in the past. But, I was met with more empathy and understanding than I've ever received or had for myself. She game me a second chance and I finished school incredibly strong and with a very important lesson - ASKING FOR HELP IS OKAY.
Two years ago, I had an incident and realized that my anxiety was becoming dangerous. I worried constantly and it would occasionally come out as anger towards undeserving victims. Luckily, I had become very close with some new friends and while I was upset and mad with myself, they asked if I'd ever considered talking to someone. "No, I don't need help" But I really thought about it....and they helped me find someone in my area that I could go see. I've been in therapy for about a year and a half and have resolved so many issues in my life...but even in therapy I struggled to be emotional and ask for help. One early session, I was becoming increasingly aggravated at myself because I was on the verge of crying and my therapist looks at me and says "You know, this is a safe space and I have you flanked on all sides by boxes of tissues. It's okay to cry." and I lost it. Now, I have empathy for people, I embrace my own emotions and don't hide them, I am able to set boundaries and am more confident than ever before. But even with all this self-improvement there has been an underlying voice saying "You're not worthy" and since I'm posting here I bet you can guess what that voice represented...
Ding Ding Ding!!! If you said "Weight" you are today's big winner!
I have struggled since middle school to lose weight. Mind you, I was at a fairly healthy weight in middle/high school, maybe 5-10 pounds overweight at max. but I was constantly being told "Don't wear that, it's not flattering" "You can't wear those shoes/skirts/shorts because of your cankles/thighs/large calves" (I played soccer...yeah my thighs and calves were beefed up) "Are you sure you want to wear that?" from my mother. She has struggled with her weight since I was born and I can now realize some of what she said was projecting onto me, but it truly destroyed my self-confidence at such a young age. I still have anxiety visiting them and freak-out and have to put make-up on before I get to their house for fear of my mom making a comment. I recently wore a new outfit I adore while visiting them and was panicked all day wondering what she thought and if people were judging me because I was *gasp* wearing shorts in summer even though there is cellulite on my legs. I honestly don't remember a time I wasn't trying to lose weight, I remember trying to count calories, doing leg lifts and crunches in bed every night, trying to develop anorexia (teenager brain wasn't always so smart), feeling the need to lose weight for any event, terrified of performing on stage, sitting in different ways so my "gut" wouldn't show...the list goes on. But, since my initial college struggles, I've learned that asking for help can be amazing and extremely...well...helpful. So, after getting a referral from my doctor a few months ago, I finally called and set-up my first appointment for a Medical Weight Loss program at the local hospital. They are all board certified bariatric people and have behavior therapists to help address food issues, dietitians, group therapy and different program options that they design a program for each individual based on food preferences (real food vs meal replacements) and go through an entire body composition testing and a bunch of stuff that's in the packet that I don't remember off the top of my head.
I know, r/loseit can be a stickler for "Just count calories, it's math" and I've seen that work for people and I'm soooo happy for those that can do it! But, living with my boyfriend and seeing how he and his family view food and treat themselves, I realized that how I think about food and weight isn't awesome and I want to work on my relationship with myself and be healthy and feel worthy of love. I've always tried to lose weight to look nice or from fear or judgement (parents, family, random people, myself) And I've never shared with anyone my struggles to lose weight and what I look like, yeah I may act confident but there is a very very insecure lady at my core. And I don't want to feel this way forever, I don't want to be so harsh, judgmental, and full or resent towards myself. So I asked for help. Most people struggle with weight at some point in their lives and we kinda talk about it in a superficial Mean Girls way, but really being vulnerable and open doesn't happen too often in the real world. I'm going for it, all in, and I'm not sure what to expect, but I am so loved and supported right now, that I honestly don't think I could fall even if I tried.
Apologies for the novel, it kind of turned into a therapeutic raving. I will keep y'all posted with my journey (if y'all aren't mean) and I am so looking forward to continuing my path of self-improvement!
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2MVLg6h
No comments:
Post a Comment