Lately, I've been doing great weight loss wise. Finally, after over 3 years of saying "I'll eat better tomorrow, this junk food won't kill me" almost every goddamn day, my pants are fitting looser, I'm down 2 notches in my belt, and my tracker app is saying I'll hit my goal weight by mid/late spring. While my cravings aren't really gone, my instinct to treat myself is vastly reduced- it's like the devil on my shoulder telling me to eat crap went from having a megaphone 2 inches from my ear to just whispering. Over the years I developed some mental problems (depression, anxiety, social isolation), but the other day I looked at myself in the mirror and felt myself genuinely smiling for the first time in a long time.
Now, part of my social isolation was my total disconnect from any social media under my own name (which, anti-social-ness aside is probably a good thing). I primarily used to use facebook and deactivated my account years ago, and only re-activate it once a year or so when I want to take a glimpse of what the people I went to high school with are doing now (out of morbid curiosity more than anything). But, for years I hadn't even looked at my own old posts and pictures. I just did today and I'm absolutely floored. The last pictures I have there are from my freshman year of college, and the person in the pictures is almost totally unrecognizable to me. It's hard to put it into words. I just looked so healthy, normal, and reasonably attractive, which was absolutely not my self image at the time. I had been very fat as a kid and through high school and into college I still thought of myself as a 'fat kid', probably due to the ~10 pounds of residual belly fat that would have gone away with like a month of moderate cardio. But now, I'd give fucking anything to trade places with that guy 6 years ago, or reach back through time and slap his stupid face and make him stop being so self conscious and just go out and enjoy life.
Anyway, it just made me think about how far I still have to go, and just what a stupid, arrogant, food addicted asshole I was to waste my teens and early twenties eating like a hog and shuttering myself away in shame. And it made me think that once I get to my goal weight I'll still have a lot of work to do in terms of improving my self image. I have a big informal reunion-ish thing in a couple weeks with a bunch of people I was good friends with in high school, and my sense of accomplishment is being shattered by the fact that, despite having lost over 20lbs, the last time they saw me I was 65lbs lighter than I am now.
Sorry for the pointless downer post. Just felt the need to vent.
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