I've been trying to lose weight since January of this year, when I weighed myself and realized that my 5'5" self was almost broaching morbid obesity at 242 lbs. I had previously been 'barely obese' for about 5 years prior to that at 185 lbs, my heaviest weight ever at the time. I ended up gaining weight due to a bout of severe depression and a severe skin disease. For the first time ever, I turned to food to comfort me. Due to the skin disease, I could barely drag myself through necessary daily activities, let alone socialization and recreational activities- food offered me a respite from the pain of everyday living and the depression I was going through.
While the worst of my skin issues seems to be behind me, it's left me permanently scarred (face and body) and I have to say my self esteem has plummeted as a result of this. I used to be very vain (selfies, dressed attractive wherever I went and at home, lots of confidence), and now I just feel like all of my beauty is just GONE. I used to admire my features in the mirror, now I just absolutely loathe looking at myself. No doubt my weight is a part of that, but I just can't seem to break the habit I made for myself in comfort-eating the loss of self esteem away.
Complicating this issue are two factors; I have a rather severe sleep disorder (chronic insomnia and/or Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder) and I suffered for years being completely wrung out by it before I found a medication (seroquel/quetiapine) that helps me. And boy does it- the last few years I've been able to have a proper sleep schedule since the first time since I was maybe 10 years old. Believe me when I say I have tried absolutely EVERYTHING available to me- essential oil concoctions, sleep hygiene, natural supplements, light therapy, other meds....nothing works like this medication. It helps me have a normal life, but an unfortunate side effect is that I get HUNGRY after I take it... not only that but it just dulls my reasoning. I try and reserve calories for this time (about half my calories in a day) but it's like once I start I can't stop sometimes. I'd say about half the days of the week I overeat, generally at maintenance but also over. I try to track calories the best I can, but when I can tell a binge is inevitable I kinda lose all willpower to track and I just give in.
Another issue is the lack of my being able to go to a gym or even afford a bike. I'm on an extremely strict budget, and I walk or take the bus everywhere (can't even afford a vehicle, unfortunately). I even lack the funds for stuff like running shoes and activewear (although that's partially an excuse I'm aware, as I can at the very least power walk without investing in anything). But it basically means that apart from walking everywhere I am more or less totally sedentary the majority of the time. I know physical exercise isn't necessary for weight loss, but when I have lost weight in the pase (on 2 occasions I lost about 50 lbs), exercise was a significant factor in reaching those goals (I used to walk across town, 2 hours at a time, to see my ex boyfriend every other night, and worked a labor job).
Since January I have lost 11 pounds... and that's assuming I haven't gained in the last few months since I've checked (likely). My clothes still fit the same, and I am still wayyyyyy too fat to feel sexy in my own skin. I even have a hard time being naked around my (amazing) partner, even though he assures me how beautiful I am to him constantly. Problem is, I don't think I'm beautiful. Usually when we have sex these days, I'm wearing SOMETHING to hide my large stomach. I've never been terribly self-conscious, even at my old-fat weight- now I just can't even believe what my body looks like. I've gotten new stretch marks and probably, new loose skin to contend with when I do lose.
I'm not 100% sure what I'm looking for here- similar experiences, advice, consolation that I WILL get through this. I need all the help I can get at this point. Thanks for reading my monster post <3
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