My whole life, I have been the girl "who has a nice face." Since the time I hit puberty, I knew I was a little thicker than most people. I was never a skinny girl, was always overweight, and cannot remember the last time I was below 160 pounds. To be somewhat fair to myself, I’ve always carried my weight decently well (topping out around a 16/18), but alas, I’ve always been plus-sized. Throughout puberty, I wasn’t too concerned with this… until I went to college in 2013. Between 2013 and 2016, I put on ~50 pounds, going from the 190s to 242. And you know what? I did not care. I did not care one bit. I got really sucked into body pos, and convinced myself I was totally healthy. I didn’t own a scale and only got weighed during doctors’ appointments. The appointment where I rang in at 242 was also the appointment where I was concerned about my knee’s inflammation, had a deep depression and was diagnosed with prehypertension. Still, I was “fine.”
I look back at photos of myself and am shocked. I had no idea how big I had gotten. But even back in 2016, when I would tell my friends how I felt, they would always retort with, “But you’re so beautiful, don’t worry about it!” or, “weight is just a construct!” I spent years telling myself I was happy with my body, but the truth was… I wasn’t. Yes, I thought I was lovely. But I’d had such a hard time dating or going out, since I didn’t even like friends hugging me out of fear for my muffin top. I didn’t like taking photos of myself with friends, even on the best occasions. I dreaded seeing family because I didn’t want to face their commentary on my weight or their silent judgment, and it wasn’t until this year that I realized this.
Going from 242 to 210 was actually unintentional and took about a year and a half. I'm American and worked abroad at the time, and the sheer lifestyle change (walking, portion sizes) had the weight melt right off! When I hit 242 (Summer 2016), I was in supreme denial and never weighed myself afterward, so it wasn’t until a visa medical appointment (January 2018) that I realized how much weight I had lost! I was thrilled! So, phase I of my weight loss, admittedly, was by happy accident.
I started my Ph.D. program in the fall of 2018 at 210, and stayed that way for about a semester while I made the academic adjustment. In January, amongst the death of multiple family members, it hit me that I only had one body and the privilege to change it, make it healthier and do things I’d always wanted to do -- including running a half marathon, being more energized, being more comfortable with platonic/romantic intimacy, etc. Since January, I’ve done CICO and cardio 2-4 times a week, and I hit my first weight loss goal at 185 not too long ago! I am now at 182.2, less than I weighed when I was 17. I have shifted from obese to overweight, and clothes are fitting me so much better. I am absolutely gassed and incredibly proud of myself. Losing weight is something I have always secretly wanted to do, and it feels so good to see some progress (even amongst the dreaded plateaus). Most importantly, my blood pressure is totally normal, my knees hurt way less, and my resting heart rate hovers around 58-63 bpm!
I have told only 2 people at my school, my mom, and a few friends back home. A lot of my friends (who range from very slim to obese) are in the body pos/HAES crowd, and to be honest, I’m not here to shame these movements because I think, at the core, they're important. I think loving your body is fantastic in all its imperfections… I just want mine to last a little bit longer, and there was something morbid about being 21 with bad knees and a prescription for blood pressure medication. But because of this, like many people on this board, I’ve been reticent to share this news and have started to get some negative feedback. “Is it grief weight?” to, “Are you just doing this for men?” to, “I think you’re losing weight too quickly,” to, “Maybe this is why you’re sick all the time” (I’ve had the flu twice since January -- get your shots, folks!) But I’m doing this because I love my body, I think it’s beautiful, powerful, worthy, and I just want to treat it better. I’m doing this exactly because I love myself and want this love to always be felt in my soul and in my interactions with other people. I have a lot of stretch marks and will probably have loose skin, but damn it feels good.
I typically just lurk, but I haven’t been able to express this excitement to anybody, and I love the positivity in this community. I just want to scream to the world about how happy I am and how stoked I am to keep going, so I’m posting it here! Thanks for listening :) rock on, everyone!
(p.s. This is silly but WTF I AM JUST REALIZING HOW MANY BONES WE HAVE. It hurts to sit my butt in certain chairs, and my ankles are bruising cause I keep hitting them on things!!!)
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