Day 1 (technically) Hello world!

Hello everybody! I have been perusing this subreddit for almost two months now and you’ve all encouraged me to apply CICO to my every day life. About three weeks ago, I made the commitment to myself to change. And I just wanted to introduce myself, share my story, and maybe make some friends who can inspire me to stay on track!

My name is Hallene I’m 260 pounds, 5’5 and I was the fat girl you always knew.

I was the fat girl in elementary school before kids really noticed things like weight. I was the fat girl in high school who wasn’t liked by anybody and secluded herself in the library. I was the fat girl in college who was known as “the funny one”. I constantly put myself down before anybody else could because if one more person called me disgusting it was going to break me. I’m the fat girl that nobody falls in love with. I’m your fat best friend. I’m your fat sister who’s ‘so beautiful on the inside’.

I’ve always been like this. Steadily climbing in weight since my toddler years. I’ve never known anything else. I turned twenty two this year! Yay! I celebrated alone. And it was nobody’s fault but my own.

I have always been a crucible of depression, anxiety and loneliness and I wore it all in pounds on my body. I pushed friends away. I went on date after date looking for love only to have the other person say “you have such a great personality and I really wanna be friends!!”

My family has always been fit. My brother is an underwear model. Standing next to him is embarrassing. People always ask if I am adopted. It hurts. I took a night job so I didn’t have to talk to anybody and the last two years have been me drowning in debt, poor health, isolation and suicidal tendencies.

About a month ago I found a laceration on my stomach. It developed entirely on its own and it just would. Not. Heal. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed as prediabetic at age 22.

I broke down in that office, in front of a doctor I had known for five minutes. Trying to explain to this complete stranger that I knew I had a problem but I didn’t think my life was worth enough to save. That at the end of the day, even if I was 240 or 140 pounds, it would still be me occupying this body. And I hated myself more than any middle school bully ever could.

This man looked at me and said, “you have a lot of problems. Your weight is only a symptom of a bigger issue. But you are the solution to all of them. You can change. You want to be the type of person with close friends, loved ones, happy with yourself and who you are. It’s time to be that person.”

That night I stepped on the scale. I was 260 pounds even. I’m only 5’5. I want a family one day. I want to marry a girl I love and who loves me back. I want a son. I want to stand next to my brother at his wedding next year and have people say “wow! What an attractive family.” I want to wear the clothes I have always wanted to wear. I want to flirt with girls and not be turned away in disgust. I want to run. I want to be happy.

The last three weeks I told myself “I’m not on a weight loss journey. I’m just taking control.” I downloaded MFP, I have been meal prepping. I eat high protein, low carb. I cut out soda, juice and anything that isn’t my morning tea and water. I was surprised how easily it came to me. Sure I felt hungry. I felt like I was wasting my time. But I am running towards something bigger than myself.

I stepped on the scale this morning as soon as I woke up. Just like google said. I lost 13 pounds. I can’t believe it. I bent down and looked at the number just to make sure. I was 246. That’s still high I know. But it’s the first time I’ve ever tried. And my efforts gave me a result.

Pants that were just a bit too tight are now loose around the thigh area. Hopefully soon they won’t fit at all.

So today I am officially declaring war on my life. I quit my night job, no more isolating!

I got a new job. It’s not awesome but it’s in a beautiful little community where I’ve already began to make friends. Two local joggers near my new apartment. I can barely jog but they still jog slowly next to me every other morning. They invite me places. I joined a gym. I am continuing my CICO. I am going to therapy once a week.

I’m going back to school. I’m going to be a mortician.

We can change. And not two months ago I was absolutely content to drown in debt and the silence of the night shift until I died.

This time next year, I’m going to be the person I’ve always wanted to be. So hello! My name is Hallene, I weight 246 pounds and I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired! Let’s be friends!

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Terrified of Reaching my Goals (CW: eating disorder)

Hi all.

I am about to go into treatment for an eating disorder. I have lived the majority of my life terrified of food and gaining weight, to the point that the pressure I've put on myself has caused me to turn to a horrible, decade-long cycle of binging and restricting. I've gotten over the worst of it and eat fairly normally most days, but slip enough that my weight still drastically fluctuates and I'm still obese. When I do eat, it's not healthy by any means. Usually fast food is the only food I can get down, as I don't usually have an appetite and "real" food causes me to gag/vomit/cringe. I am looking forward to treatment and am really, really excited to be given the tools to end this cycle.

However, my mental state after a decade of disordered eating is horrifying. I have not been diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia Disorder, but I view myself very differently from how others view me. I see my body as shapeless, saggy, asymmetrical, spotted, and grotesque. I can't quite explain it. To me, it looks like all the fat in my body is bulging at the skin, trying to bust out. Parts of me seem so misshapen and bulbous. I don't know. I've always thought that weight loss was the answer and would cure the way I view myself, but even at my lowest weight, I saw myself the same way. I've gained 170 pounds in the past 6 years, lost 70 of it, and now feel worse. I was more confident at the highest weight, and now that I'm losing, I feel like I haven't lost enough and am so insecure that I cry when I see myself naked. I don't leave the house. I can't force myself to go out to dinner with my husband, I don't want people to see me eat.

I know this is all psychological and can only be healed if I put in the mental work with therapy and self-care. On my good days--which are few and far between--I can even get a glimpse of what I imagine I actually look like. On those days, I'll see my reflection by accident and I see myself as soft, curvy, voluptuous, even if only for a few seconds before I start to fixate on my flaws. It sucks. My goals aren't even unrealistic. I'm 5' 8", pear shaped, and want to be 170 lbs. Chubby and curvy is what I'm attracted to, so that's what I want to be. I don't know why I hate myself so much, it's so exhausting. I'm just terrified that I'm going to reach my goal and it won't be good enough, that I'll still see myself as grotesque and take it for granted, that I'll keep wanting to lose until I wither away into nothing. So I self sabotage and any time I lose 10 pounds or more, I binge. What the hell is wrong with me.

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Am under 80kg for the first time in almost four years!

I'm at the start of my weight loss journey (12 days in) and it's probably the first time I've put in serious effort at lowering my weight. I've read some literature - including the info and some of the posts here, thanks guys - and am using a calorie counting app (Loseit) which has done wonders for helping me keep track of how much I'm actually eating and to make healthier choices.

I've been hovering between 81-84kg (178-184 lbs) for the last 3-4 years which, since I'm 165cm (5'5") is essentially straddling the line between overweight and obese. The reason I've put it off so long is probably because I don't look anywhere near that heavy.

Anyways I've seen some steady weight loss over the last week and as of this morning I am 79.9kg (~176lbs), making me less than 80kg for the first time in almost 4 years and a 1.6kg (~3.5lbs) loss in the last 12 days. I know weight loss won't always be this steady but it is damn reassuring to see it drop that little bit each day. Thanks everyone for being out there and sharing your stories - it's so encouraging :)

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Ask reddit for advice but don't use it as a substitute for real medical checkups from an actual doctor

I posted this: https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/dgzwec/extreme_hunger/ a couple months ago. Basically, I've been suffering from extreme hunger for several years, and everyone on the internet told me it was because I was binge eating, fasting, not eating enough, eating too much, working out too much, working out too little, had an eating disorder, etc. I need to try keto or intermittent fasting or not do keto and go high carb, high volume.

No one would listen to me when I kept insisting all of these crash diets and behavioral changes came as a result of the extreme hunger that randomly started after never having restricted. EVERYONE on the internet told me it was because of the behaviors I was engaging in...after the initial symptoms of extreme hunger started. I was told to track calories, macros. Eat more protein. Eat less protein. Eat more fiber. Eat less fiber. Eat more volume. Eat less volume. EVERYONE became an expert. But everyone ignored the temporality where the extreme hunger started before the disordered eating.

I had been starting to think maybe people on the internet were right, and I was making stuff up to excuse my behaviors. And some of my labs were consistent with underfueling and rapid weight loss. I almost didn't mention that the extreme hunger started before the disordered eating because the internet had convinced me I was crazy.

Well, as it turns out, I have a neuroendocrine tumor. I never would have suspected it. I was looking into all sorts of psychological causes, without ever suspecting I actually had something physiologically wrong with me. I fit all the criteria of someone exhibiting symptoms of the female athlete triad. I lost a ton of weight. I was binging and restricting. I was constantly tired and hungry. I didn't have my period in eight months. It all pointed to an eating disorder.

But despite also wanting to diagnose me with decreased hypothalamic signaling as a result of underfueling (hypogonadotropic hypogonadism/functional amenorrhea), my doctor went on to order some lab tests, not expecting anything abnormal. But a couple weird blood tests and some further diagnostics showed it was a neuroendocrine tumor all along.

Fortunately, the tumor is relatively treatable, and surgery is generally pretty effective. Just wanted to throw this out there. The internet may give you some guidelines on how to curb your appetite or whatever while trying to lose weight or get more fit. But if you know that something isn't working for you, despite what the internet is telling you, PLEASE go see a doctor who will listen to you.

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I Feel Disappointed with My Weight Loss This Year.

I started my weight loss journey in May of this year because I decided I didn't want to be unhealthy anymore, and while I recognise and am proud of lost so far, I feel as if I should've lost a lot more. Over the course of 2019, I've switched continuously between continuing to lose weight and being in maintenance. I don't really know how to vocalise what I'm actually feeling other than saying that I think that I've let myself down by not trying harder.

Anyway, I'm not going to let this consume me. I've had an excellent year and a great birthday a few days ago (16 yay!). I hope all of you on r/loseit I hope you all had a great year too! See you next year and thank you for reading my absolute trainwreck of a post.

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Maintaining my weight loss - and another step in my journey. Recommend by my GP as a candidate for loose skin removal.

Ok brief background. I'm 51 yrs old and have lost 145 lbs / the majority of that (115-120) in about 18 months and the rest over another 18 months. My last 5lbs of fat were eliminated forever last January. I didn't lose the weight with any aesthetic goal in mind - I was mostly just trying to save my life. Over the last year I have sincerely struggled with the extra bits of me - but I've tried to be content with compression gear.

This last checkup my doctor of 6 yrs finally actually engaged me in a weight loss conversation. The conversation began around my cholesterol check. I said I wasn't due - but she said people on my diet typically needed them more often. I was like - my diet? How do you think I lost this weight?

She paused.

I said : "I've just been using calorie management. That's IT."

"Well," she said, "well... Wow". And she finally looked at my chart. "Your cholesterol is actually... Really really good and you've been ...maintaining quite awhile now. That's pretty amazing. I've had WLS patients that can't even keep it off as long as you have."

My brain did a cartwheel. I got flustered and teared up. I may have said thank you. Then she really surprised me and asked if I wanted to be recommend for skin removal.

I struggled with the idea for almost a month until my best friend reminded me of the longevity of our family and that no matter what 50 is hella NOT to old to stop caring.

So, in 4 days I'm going to a consultation and I'm formulating a list of questions. I'm up to 15 focusing mostly on recovery (when can I walk/run lift/yoga) and after care costs. Any other tips are welcome. Anxiety is starting to rev up and brain is trying to drag me back into weight loss mode because of it so I've started logging again.

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Help! Why won't my stomach pooch go away?

So, I'm 5'5" F21 and 118-122lbs depending on the day. I've lost about 30 pounds since january (hooray!) through CICO/portion control, but I have a stomach pooch that refuses to leave. I'm actually super happy with my body right now (I never thought I would say that), but my pooch is still keeping me self-conscious. I'm not comfortable wearing bikinis or form fitting dresses because of it even though the rest of my body is pretty toned. I'm just really confused at this point because I thought that it would be gone at this point in my weight loss journey. Like my bmi is at about 20, but I swear my stomach looks exactly the same since I was 10lbs heavier. I have a sister that's been pretty supportive of me, and I've asked her honestly about what she thought. Even she said that she was surprised that I still had a such a prominent lower belly since the rest of me is so skinny. It's just really strange and I need help figuring out what to do. Any advice?

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