Terrified of Reaching my Goals (CW: eating disorder)

Hi all.

I am about to go into treatment for an eating disorder. I have lived the majority of my life terrified of food and gaining weight, to the point that the pressure I've put on myself has caused me to turn to a horrible, decade-long cycle of binging and restricting. I've gotten over the worst of it and eat fairly normally most days, but slip enough that my weight still drastically fluctuates and I'm still obese. When I do eat, it's not healthy by any means. Usually fast food is the only food I can get down, as I don't usually have an appetite and "real" food causes me to gag/vomit/cringe. I am looking forward to treatment and am really, really excited to be given the tools to end this cycle.

However, my mental state after a decade of disordered eating is horrifying. I have not been diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia Disorder, but I view myself very differently from how others view me. I see my body as shapeless, saggy, asymmetrical, spotted, and grotesque. I can't quite explain it. To me, it looks like all the fat in my body is bulging at the skin, trying to bust out. Parts of me seem so misshapen and bulbous. I don't know. I've always thought that weight loss was the answer and would cure the way I view myself, but even at my lowest weight, I saw myself the same way. I've gained 170 pounds in the past 6 years, lost 70 of it, and now feel worse. I was more confident at the highest weight, and now that I'm losing, I feel like I haven't lost enough and am so insecure that I cry when I see myself naked. I don't leave the house. I can't force myself to go out to dinner with my husband, I don't want people to see me eat.

I know this is all psychological and can only be healed if I put in the mental work with therapy and self-care. On my good days--which are few and far between--I can even get a glimpse of what I imagine I actually look like. On those days, I'll see my reflection by accident and I see myself as soft, curvy, voluptuous, even if only for a few seconds before I start to fixate on my flaws. It sucks. My goals aren't even unrealistic. I'm 5' 8", pear shaped, and want to be 170 lbs. Chubby and curvy is what I'm attracted to, so that's what I want to be. I don't know why I hate myself so much, it's so exhausting. I'm just terrified that I'm going to reach my goal and it won't be good enough, that I'll still see myself as grotesque and take it for granted, that I'll keep wanting to lose until I wither away into nothing. So I self sabotage and any time I lose 10 pounds or more, I binge. What the hell is wrong with me.

submitted by /u/UsagiHotline
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