Hello everybody! I have been perusing this subreddit for almost two months now and you’ve all encouraged me to apply CICO to my every day life. About three weeks ago, I made the commitment to myself to change. And I just wanted to introduce myself, share my story, and maybe make some friends who can inspire me to stay on track!
My name is Hallene I’m 260 pounds, 5’5 and I was the fat girl you always knew.
I was the fat girl in elementary school before kids really noticed things like weight. I was the fat girl in high school who wasn’t liked by anybody and secluded herself in the library. I was the fat girl in college who was known as “the funny one”. I constantly put myself down before anybody else could because if one more person called me disgusting it was going to break me. I’m the fat girl that nobody falls in love with. I’m your fat best friend. I’m your fat sister who’s ‘so beautiful on the inside’.
I’ve always been like this. Steadily climbing in weight since my toddler years. I’ve never known anything else. I turned twenty two this year! Yay! I celebrated alone. And it was nobody’s fault but my own.
I have always been a crucible of depression, anxiety and loneliness and I wore it all in pounds on my body. I pushed friends away. I went on date after date looking for love only to have the other person say “you have such a great personality and I really wanna be friends!!”
My family has always been fit. My brother is an underwear model. Standing next to him is embarrassing. People always ask if I am adopted. It hurts. I took a night job so I didn’t have to talk to anybody and the last two years have been me drowning in debt, poor health, isolation and suicidal tendencies.
About a month ago I found a laceration on my stomach. It developed entirely on its own and it just would. Not. Heal. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed as prediabetic at age 22.
I broke down in that office, in front of a doctor I had known for five minutes. Trying to explain to this complete stranger that I knew I had a problem but I didn’t think my life was worth enough to save. That at the end of the day, even if I was 240 or 140 pounds, it would still be me occupying this body. And I hated myself more than any middle school bully ever could.
This man looked at me and said, “you have a lot of problems. Your weight is only a symptom of a bigger issue. But you are the solution to all of them. You can change. You want to be the type of person with close friends, loved ones, happy with yourself and who you are. It’s time to be that person.”
That night I stepped on the scale. I was 260 pounds even. I’m only 5’5. I want a family one day. I want to marry a girl I love and who loves me back. I want a son. I want to stand next to my brother at his wedding next year and have people say “wow! What an attractive family.” I want to wear the clothes I have always wanted to wear. I want to flirt with girls and not be turned away in disgust. I want to run. I want to be happy.
The last three weeks I told myself “I’m not on a weight loss journey. I’m just taking control.” I downloaded MFP, I have been meal prepping. I eat high protein, low carb. I cut out soda, juice and anything that isn’t my morning tea and water. I was surprised how easily it came to me. Sure I felt hungry. I felt like I was wasting my time. But I am running towards something bigger than myself.
I stepped on the scale this morning as soon as I woke up. Just like google said. I lost 13 pounds. I can’t believe it. I bent down and looked at the number just to make sure. I was 246. That’s still high I know. But it’s the first time I’ve ever tried. And my efforts gave me a result.
Pants that were just a bit too tight are now loose around the thigh area. Hopefully soon they won’t fit at all.
So today I am officially declaring war on my life. I quit my night job, no more isolating!
I got a new job. It’s not awesome but it’s in a beautiful little community where I’ve already began to make friends. Two local joggers near my new apartment. I can barely jog but they still jog slowly next to me every other morning. They invite me places. I joined a gym. I am continuing my CICO. I am going to therapy once a week.
I’m going back to school. I’m going to be a mortician.
We can change. And not two months ago I was absolutely content to drown in debt and the silence of the night shift until I died.
This time next year, I’m going to be the person I’ve always wanted to be. So hello! My name is Hallene, I weight 246 pounds and I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired! Let’s be friends!
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