Hello folks.
I hope everyone had a great Christmas.
I would like to share a story with you and maybe you will share some of your ideas or opinions which maybe help me because I am struggling with my weight for a very long time.
My name is George, I am from Prague, I am a multi-instrumentalist with Guinness world record (I can play 34 music instruments) and I am also a conductor with an orchestra I created when I was 19 years old which I also conduct. Till I went to basic school I was slim and very active. Then school came and from a very sporty and active person I became more sedentary and I always liked chocolate stuff. Thanks to "working" from 6 A.M. to basically midnight I didn't have much time to eat so I also didn't eat such great stuff. I ate a good one too, but also the bad stuff all the time. I was never happy with the weight, but since I was not really in a mood and didn't have the power to fight it, I just kept being worse and worse.
My weight was always a problem for me, but even when I tried to do something about it, it didn't work or I didn't manage to do it right for long. This was also a big problem for me to get a girlfriend thanks to me not being happy with myself, being really happy in general, being very busy with music and schools and it is definitely my biggest regret in my life to not being able to enjoy having the someone and mainly being fat.
Two years ago I did huge change just in time - I left one of my jobs which hit me financially really hard, but it was one of the best decisions I ever did. I think it even saved my life. I was in circle of people who became very negative and it was pushing me down and down. These people were also in my orchestra and in my quartet/sextet so it was getting worse and worse. When I finally one evening decided enough is enough. Right away I had mixed feelings, it was a very hard decision, but for me one of the best I did, but then I kept getting better, happier and I felt more and more it was the right decision.
After that, I started to care more about myself, even more, how I cloth, how I behave and how I look. Don't get me wrong, I always cared about these things. I always loved sports, I loved working on my strength, but most of the time it was just a few days thing or just "a thought". Thanks to doing a lot and also adding conducting which is sport itself, I kept myself in not going really really badly. I am fat, very, but it can be fixed.
That's the reason last year I started working on it much more. I started to eat better, work out more, be more active, drink water, etc. I did some progress, but I didn't feel that was enough. This year I did more progress, but also more fails. During summer I hit record weight like 5 times. I was happy, but it was a struggle and many stops, fails, etc.
Unfortunately in September, I got promoted to leader position - director of the music department and some people wasn't really happy about it. They didn't say anything but I could feel their shock and displeasure. I knew I will and I wanted to do really good job. I believe I did and also was told that by my boss many times, so I was happy. Problem was that it was yet again a lot of stress and that was always my biggest problem - my favorite food was an always escape from reality, from badness, from stress, from all. Evening food of my choice was always the thing, my curse. The second curse I always had was it wasn't enough to buy just one good thing, I always wanted to have the "Oh, look, there is another". The third curse of mine was always to be a perfect day, no mistakes, be Monday, be good system, etc. Many times I tried to start off, like on Friday, Sunday or so, but I always managed to go a few days or two weeks.
This was always my problem. For every good day, I manage to epicly screw up two or three days. One thing never changed, even when I was down, I keep restarting, I keep learning new things about weight loss and things about all the process, food, what is good to eat, what is good etc. With every restart I know more, I do better, but with every restart, I yet again fail. This bothers me a lot. I know weight loss isn't about losing weight, it's about changing your daily habits, your approach to food and mainly your lifestyle. I like the diet I have, I really do. It's easy, it's fun I really enjoy it and mainly it works, IF I follow it every time. And yes, there are cheat meals, yes it's not the end of the world when I eat something I shouldn't but in combination with things I wrote above, it's deadly for the process.
I don't give up, but I just don't know how to get myself to work. I keep failing, my weight was a curse of my life. I hate myself yet I know I can do it, but losing so much what I want and it's also not a fast process, I don't know what to do. I sometimes win and don't eat what I shouldn't but sometimes I just let go. I get frozen, I regret it, I give up, "I start tomorrow, I start Monday". I even tell myself - "you already know the feel, smell, and the taste, you don't need it". Sometimes it worked, sometimes it doesn't.
Anyway, thanks for reading and thank you for your ideas, opinions.
I wish you the best for 2020!
G
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