tw: mentions of disordered eating
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I've been going through it so hard recently, and I'm here seeking any advice you can give.
Things have been hard.
Little backstory: I've gone down from my highest of about 170-80 during around my freshman year of high school to about 120 now, as a senior. I'm 5'3, and with the way my body holds fat, I'd like to lose about five to ten more pounds. This entire journey has hardly been a straight shot. I binged a lot, and it's a habit that I am still working on mending that has made me very sad for a long time.
A little under two weeks ago, I weighed in at the lightest I've been in so long -- 115! -- and it was exhilarating. The only reason I'd been able to get down that low, though, is through restricting a lot more than what's considered healthy. And that's bad, I know, and entirely unsustainable, but it was addicting for the short while I was able to maintain it. I felt so accomplished, which is stupid because I've now been binging and overeating more so bad. And I'm miserable. I'm afraid of the scale, and I feel as though I've gained noticeable weight. Last night, I weighed in at 122 which was after I'd eaten, which isn't a terrible increase, but it's so, so disheartening to see that after being able to reach 115. I think I probably have gained at least a pound of fat back, and I feel like it's so clear and noticeable. I feel like my stomach isn't as flat as it was and like my cheeks are puffy, and that sucks majorly when all I want is to be slim.
I know I sound stupid, and whiny, and so stereotypically teenage, but this has all been taking a severe toll on my mental health. This past week or so, my life has just been trying to restrict, getting so sad when I fail miserably, and then so much binging. When I have days of clarity where I try not to restrict myself so much, I... still binge? It just feels like if I don't heavily restrict, I'll end up gaining way too much from never ending sessions of overeating. I've tried to employ helpful tactics, though, and I think that my binges have gotten less bad. I've tried to forgive myself, not be mean to myself when I give in, distract myself with other activities, neutralize food, etc... I know I have to fuel myself with nutritious food and mend my tendency to leaning on junk for comfort, but it's so hard not to eat emotionally when I'm this damn emotionally damaged. I've been so genuinely depressed as of late and I hate it. I've started missing out on fun activities with friends because I just don't want to be seen or be around anyone.
I know some people will suggest therapy. I have my first meeting with some psychiatrist or something that my mom set up on Tuesday, and I'm going to speak with her and see if she can help or refer me to someone. So that's good! I know that getting my mental issues under control could then help repair my relationship with food and my body.
The advice I think I'm asking for here is... how can I start living a life where I eat... regularly? It's so hard to exist within a life where it feels like my only two options are restrict too much or eat too much. Like, once I start the day with it in mind that I'm not going to overdo my restriction, it's like my stomach becomes a bottomless pit and I just want to keep on eating. I know that I ultimately just need to apply more self control, but it's still something I struggle a lot with. Eating breakfast, I feel, makes me binge later in the day, though that might just be because a 1200 calorie limit's still sort of low. But my TDEE's like 1550? So I feel like I have to go pretty low.
Also, I genuinely cannot discern whether or not counting calories helps me or harms me. Because when I try not to count, I freak out not knowing my exact intake, but when I do count, I find myself viewing food simply as their calorie counts and then my meals feel unsatisfying, if that makes sense. This is probably something I just have to figure out myself. All of this is not helped by the fact that I'm practically sedentary. I just sit around all day thinking and stressing about food and feeling so, so miserable about the state of my body. I don't know how to eat "normally." I don't know how that works. I had a plan for myself set where I can skip breakfast 'cause I'm usually not hungry for it anyways, then have a big lunch and a big dinner. Is that something still worth sticking to? I find that since I don't move much I don't really get the right hunger cues, and it feels like I'm never actually hungry, so I don't know when I should be eating. And I feel guilty over snacking, too, even if it fits in my deficit because I feel like I'm never actually hungry when I go to eat them. I think increasing my activity level would help fix like half the problems I have, maybe.
I know I wrote a lot here and I hope some of you took the time to at least skim. Any advice about anything I've talked about here would be stellar. I'd also appreciate if people discussed what a full day of eating for sustainable weight loss looks like for them. Or you could suggest recipes (I am a vegan!) or beginner workouts, or ways to overcome food guilt, or ways to be at peace with my body, or anything! I think I really just need support right now. I feel very alone and very sad. :(
I know all this is so stupid to be this worked up over, and that I could have worse problems than not liking my pudgy stomach, but my brain has a way of amplifying things and I've never been this unhappy and this afraid of gaining weight. I want to get to a point where I am losing weight healthily, not feeling shame, not hating myself. I want to be able to go to college in the fall feeling happy and secure. I know this stuff is mainly stuff meant for a therapist to deal with (hopefully I'll have one soon!) but I've seen people giving pretty good tips on this sub before and I'm desperate.
Thank you party people!!!
