Went to the doctor's office earlier for the first time in years, with, as a matter of fact, the difficulty I have had losing weight while seeming to continue to gain a pound a month unless I force myself not to eat for like 2 years. Because of this difficulty, I have been trying as hard as I can to stick to a daily caloric intake of 1900-2100 calories (when I calculated online it said maintenance was like 3,000, which I know has a large margin of error, so I figured 1900 was a good place to start cuz years ago when I lost weight it's what I started at and it worked very well) and have been doing near-daily cardio and am starting the process of weight training again. I also fast most days until like 6 or 7pm (I wanted to start eating during the day but I can't bring myself to do it when I feel bloated and disgusting from the stuff I ate the night before). In spite of all this, at the doctor's today, when I got on the fucking scale, I weighed 297. When I started this a month ago I was at 289.
I immediately felt very disgusted at myself and wanted to just leave and go get drunk (I have a drinking problem that I have been able to control relatively well with therapy+a stint at the mental hospital earlier this year. I am not on medication however). However, I finished the appointment, then got in my car and had to pull over because I was crying and just being very self-hateful. I managed hours later, after essentially wearing myself out by screaming at myself in my head for like 2 hours, to calm down and I have since had some coffee and kratom (I have been trying to cut back on kratom now that I have my alcoholism under control but I can't because I'm an idiot who can't go through life without substances but that's another post), which helped me feel better.
One reason I refused to take psych meds was because I was scared of getting even fatter and becoming even more disgusting than I already am and then, on top of all of that, my dick not working if I did finally get my shit together and find happiness through meds. But this isn't really any better I guess. I've already accepted nobody will ever love me after another attempt at a relationship ended recently so all I have left is just having casual sex with Tinder strangers until the end of my life. But I can't do that either because I have no rizz to compensate for looking like shit, and combined with that everyone gets turned off by me.
So anyway, I think I'm going to just give up on working out and trying to count calories and will just force myself to not eat for as long as I can stand it. My metabolism is apparently already destroyed so this is the only option I have left. I don't care if it hurts me even more, I just fucking want to be skinny and get all the privileges one receives from being traditionally attractive because nobody will ever respect or love me again for anything else. Nobody ever really has I just chose to believe they did because I didn't want to be alone. I know you all will tell me not to do this but I don't care. I just want to be skinny and there's no other hope for me. I don't want to go back to being 300+ like in high school, that simply isn't an option. I will kill myself if this happens and I can't get it to stop.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/LieDxyv
