I don't really expect anyone to read all this, I'm just posting it for me really. I just want to tell my story, and want a little accountability.
TLDR:Lost weight in 2019, covid happened, gained it back and more. I'm motivated again.
I'm the kind of person that is ashamed of my weight. I know it's the first thing people see when they see me, it's not their fault, it's my most obvious attribute. I'm 31, 5'8, and weigh 350 lbs. I "carry my weight well" so I'm told, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm ridiculously unhealthy. It's caused me so many self esteem issues, missed opportunities, lack of relationships.
I grew up overweight, with overweight family and siblings, the standard story. I'd play sports and lose a bit during those seasons, but it always came back. It's always been my diet, it still is. As a kid I blamed my genetics, as a teen my parents, in college the drinking, but as an adult I'm well aware I've given myself this burden.
If I ever did try and lose weight I kept it a secret, I hated walking in public or going to a gym and seeing someone I know. I just don't want people to acknowledge me differently I guess. I would sometimes walk during lunch at work, one day a coworker pulled me aside and said they saw me going for walks and were proud of me. I stopped doing it, I hate that attention. They meant the best but I just hated that if they saw an average sized person going for a walk it meant nothing, but for me, it had to be a weight loss thing.
But in 2019, a bunch of my coworkers stopped going out to lunch everyday and would bring in healthier meals and go on walks as a group. I didn't want to be the odd one out, so I brought a lunch and joined the walks. I felt normal in the group and wasn't being singled out, and something clicked. I was so motivated, I meal prepped, went to the gym after work, did CICO, and I started to shred weight. My starting weight then was 321 lbs, and I got down to 270. It felt amazing, and I was locked into my routine. I got fitted for a wedding suit early in the year, and by October they had to drop me down a few sizes. Having something be too big for me felt amazing, I was determined to keep dropping weight.
Then covid happened. I stopped going into work, stopped meal prepping, stopped going to the gym, stopped going on walks. I have a group of friends that started doing zoom calls and game nights, and we all started drinking a lot. My life essentially became wake up, do a little work until 5, then eat and drink what I want. Once covid restrictions let up, I started going out again. I felt starved of social interaction so I started going out way more than I ever had before. Bar with my friends almost every night. I've basically kept that pace until now and I'm 350 lbs, heavier than I have ever been.
I'm getting fitted for a suit for a wedding again, and it's so tight and uncomfortable, it just made me remember that feeling of having a suit too big in 2019. I think something has finally clicked again. It brought back memories of promises I made to myself, like "Once being fat holds me back in life I'll lose weight" and a note I wrote to myself in 2019 with reasons I want to lose weight. Yes it's for being healthy, yes it's for being more attractive, yes it's for more activities, but above all else, it's to not be a burden to anyone. I don't want to stand out, I just want to be normal.
Yesterday I brought a lunch, I skipped the bar me and my buddies meet at. I was going to go for a walk but it was so hot out I was talking myself out of it. I said "Oh, well I'd go to the gym if I had gym clothes with me." Then I remembered, I still had a bathing suit and a t shirt in my car from the weekend. Screw it, I went to the gym for the first time in 6 years (been paying the membership the whole time...) I did 45 minutes on the treadmill in my bathing suit, office shoes, and no headphones. I felt so accomplished after. I went home and had a light dinner, and now I'm writing this after my 600 calorie lunch. I'm going to the gym again today. I feel motivated again. I want a suit that's too big in September.
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