I've been overweight most of my life, and about a year and a half ago, I decided I was tired. I remember it was a day that I had a binge and felt so physically uncomfortable after. When I was young, my weight was because I was being raised by people who were neglectful and didn't care enough to buy me decent food or teach me how to live a healthy lifestyle. Then, when I grew up, it was because I used food as a way to cope with whatever issues I was having, along with still not really understanding how to be healthy. I had many binge episodes before that, but for some reason, that time was different.
As I sat in my chair feeling uncomfortable, I realized I had sat in that chair for like a month straight every day and did the exact same thing smoked weed and binge ate on unhealthy food. I became very sad and had to question if this is how I wanted to continue living my life. So, I started trying to be healthier. I started by changing my eating habits slowly, more vegetables, less processed foods, slightly smaller portions, less meat, etc. Then, about a month later, I started getting up and walking. First a couple times a week, then soon about every other day, then eventually every day. I got up to 10-12 miles somedays. Then i bought a bike and started biking a little each week.
In less than a year, I lost about 50 lbs from where I started put on a little muscle, i have visible muscle on my arms now, significantly more toned legs, and honestly became a different person. Then I was struggling for a bit, and my weight plateaued for about 5 months. Then I recommited and in the last month have lost about another 12lbs (so at least 62lbs total) So what's the problem? I don't know. I just don't feel great. Physically, I'm probably in better shape than the scale indicates. When I started just walking up a flight of stairs, I left me out of breath. Now? Last week, I biked 160 miles in total over 5 days. I know it's not super impressive compared to others, but I just don't feel satisfied. Today, I looked at myself in the mirror, and while I can tell my body composition is massive changed from even a year ago, I still felt disappointed with how I looked.
IDK what's wrong, but I find myself thinking more about how I look now than when I was a morbidly obese and according to the internet, I'm still obese even though i don't feel like it. Overall, I'm happy that I did what I said I was going to do, but I didn't think it would feel this bad being smaller. I'm also struggling with how people treat me now compared to when i was at my heaviest. I'm not at my goal weight and still have a long way to go but I just find it hard to keep putting in the effort because it feels like it'll never happen even though I've proven that I can do it. I constantly compare my body to other males, and most of the time, it makes me sad. It doesn't help that I am very short (5'4"-5'5"), which is a whole other issue I have. Now people don't make fun of me for being fat, but they do a low-key look down on me for being a small man now, which I didn't notice before, probably because I was so fat. IDK, I hope this is coherent and makes sense. I'm just pouring my feelings out right now and needing attention because I don't have anyone else I can vent to about it. Is it that I can't cope with how massive i was, or am I just unrealistic?
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