At 29 years old, I’ve been obese almost my entire life. I was 100 lbs by 3rd grade, 160 by 6th grade, 200 by the beginning of high school, 225 by the end of college, and I’ve gained an additional 50 lbs since 2014. Back at the beginning of February I started doing some social media snooping into my father’s side of my family (he passed last year and we were never close). I discovered that many of his siblings (he was one of 14 kids) were obese to morbidly obese and died before the age of 60 due to renal failure, cancers, and other serious health issues. This freaked me out and really scared me into changing my diet.
The norm for me is to eat around 3,000 calories a day—mostly consisting of high fat take out food—and wash it all down with another 1,000 to 1,500 calories of soda. The first thing I did was replace all of the soda with water and limit myself to a can of diet soda a day or a black coffee if the caffeine withdrawal headaches got too bad. I deleted all of the food delivery apps from my phone, started meal planning and buying and everything at the grocery store—careful not to keep TOO much food on hand so that I could keep from binging. I stand 8 hours a day at work but am otherwise very sedentary, so I started incorporating walking into my daily routine. I found that it was nothing for me to walk a mile or two everyday if I just put on a good playlist. As of this morning, I’m down 48 lbs pounds since February 8th.
But then I had an emotionally trying day dealing with some hard family stuff and found myself at the drive thru window this evening. Most people would have ordered a junior burger or small fries to “treat” themselves. Instead, I got a foot long coney covered in a quarter pound of chili, a large order of cheese fries, a medium order of onion rings, an order of 6 mozzarella sticks drenched in marinara sauce, churros, a root beer float, and a 44 oz soda. I ate ALL of it within about an hour and a half.
Suddenly, I just feel like I’m wasting my time because I’m a loser who can’t deal with my feelings like a normal person and know deep down that my weight loss won’t be sustainable. It’s 2 decades of overcoming shitty habits and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it.
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