So I did alright over Halloween! But, I have concerns for the next two months of American holiday season.
We had a Halloween party last weekend and I took off Saturday and Sunday from tracking after weighing and tracking pretty consistently for the past 3 months (and down 30 lbs!). I’ve been reading that it’s good to really give yourself cheat days here and there. The issue is that I’ve strongly suspected I have BED for quite some time and I’ve been very successful losing this weight by being so regimented and tracking carefully (I’m at around 1300-1600 cal per day depending on activity and I’m only walking for exercise at the moment as I’m recovering from a summer surgery and a recent wrist injury).
Last weekend I did not binge horrifically, I allowed myself some candy, charcuterie snacks and definitely ate too much caramel corn but in terms of how I usually do over Halloween, I did great. I no longer drink as it triggers my binges. Since then I have been much more hungry, snacky, dealing with salt and sugar cravings all week and the food noise has drastically increased. I’ve allowed myself more calories this week, trying to stay as healthy as possible but having grace with myself and working hard not to overdo it. I’m genuinely proud of myself but I’m now concerned about allowing myself treats for the next two months.
This did prompt me to make an appointment to my local eating disorder center for an assessment because I think I am finally ready to get some extra support and quite possibly an actual diagnosis. I’m so happy with my weight loss progress but I am worried that I don’t understand my triggers and the holidays are so stressful for me. I have bucketful’s of trauma for which I’ve had plenty of therapy for but the food noise was not really addressed in those sessions.
Curious how those of you with similar challenges navigates this time of year! How are you balancing restriction and over eating? How are you handling the food noise? I feel like if I indulge, it prompts disordered eating but I keep reading that careful tracking and sometimes avoiding all treats to be able to stay on track is also just disordered eating. Sometimes I feel like that’s coming from those who don’t have an actual ED…at least it feels that way sometimes. Like unless you GET IT, you can’t fully understand the disassociating and literally feeling like you’ve blacked out and consumed a whole bag of chips and you weren’t even conscious for it. Like, I get that it’s doable for many to limit their treats and it won’t take over their brain but I’m not sure my brain/body are capable of that, at least right now.
Weirdly enough, when I’m abstaining from sugar and treats, I do okay! It’s once I introduce it back, even in small amounts, it takes over my brain and I start to disassociate and really struggle with overdoing it.
Anyone relate? I need some insight!
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