I am about 72lbs down. 118lbs more to lose.
HW: 335 | CW: 262 | GW: 145
5’4. Female. About to be 36.
I’ve been working hard to lose weight. I had 190lbs to lose. I couldn’t believe it when I was at the top. Just never ever believed I’d get to that weight. Bad eating disorders my entire life. It’s just always been an uphill battle to lose weight and be healthy with food. Still am far from mastering it.
I can’t even believe I’m 70+lbs down from that because it felt so impossible when I saw 335 on the scale. I was sick with myself. But even with this mass of weight loss, I am sick with myself, and it feels like I am worse than ever.
I do have eating disorder history. Body dysmorphia. Like, I’m just never happy with the way I look. Someone this weekend said to me they felt like if I was the most beautiful person in the world it wouldn’t matter from my end, because I’m just crazy harsh on myself. And honestly, I know that it’s the truth. I’m super super self critical, to a very unhealthy point. Yes I am in therapy. I’m not sure if maybe I need very specific therapy for this.
As I’ve lost weight, I feel like my neck is extremely loose. I mean, it sort of is. It’s really jiggly, and there will definitely be some loose skin. I see plenty of people who have lost the amount of weight I have to and they do have loose skin, even on their neck, but it’s almost impossible to see once they’re at the lower end of their weight. It’s like they have to pinch it and maybe from certain angles you can see it a bit, but it’s not even something I think looks bad on them.
Now…on ME…this is a different story. I’m freaking out and just mentally unwell from it. I took a picture today full body with a group of people and I am still so sick and ashamed by how I look. I am still super morbidly obese, after all. Even after 70+lbs of loss.
It just is making me sick and I have been turning to food and messing up my progress. For over a month now. I almost feel like my neck looks the way it does because it’s probably getting smaller and so I can see it a lot more now and see the fatter portion hanging up higher instead of my entire neck and face maybe just being very rounded.
But I’m making myself so sick. Even with food. Like eating so much food or different kinds at once and I’m legitimately wanting to just vomit.
Do you just look weird in the middle of weight loss? I know I have to just keep going, but the critical side of me is making the other part of me retreat into food.
I’m just very sad and overwhelmed.
I’m not married. No kids. And I’m like…who will ever be attracted to me. I’m just getting old and now I’m starting to look old while I’m losing weight because I am getting older, and I will never have a period of my life where I can be attractive and enjoy it.
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