For context, I'm at the beginning of my weight loss journey right now. Stats are 23F, 5'2, SW 201, CW 194.
I've lost 7 lbs in about a month, which I'm extremely proud of. But I've also been noticing that I'm very easily discouraged, especially this time around. My whole life, I've fluctuated in weight, usually in the range of 140-170 lbs. Even when I'm not actively paying attention to my weight, I tend to notice when I start to approach the high 160s, and that's when I kick my butt back into gear (which usually manifests itself in lots of gym time and much better eating/drinking choices).
This time, though, I let myself get to the highest weight I've ever been at 201 lbs (we'll call it that for the purpose of this post, but I'm guessing it was higher at some point). This was a huge wake-up call, and ever since I saw that number on the scale I've been back to working on losing the weight.
I'm at a point now where when I lose this weight, I'm ready to lose it for good. My mindset is shifting more towards lifestyle changes than quick fixes, and I'm excited about the idea...but for some reason it's been really hard to visualize myself at a healthy, strong weight, and because of that I've had a lot of mini-breakdowns.
I've been telling myself that the version of myself that I want to be is gone, and that I'll likely never be able to do the things I used to do (like run 2 miles straight, fit into jean shorts with confidence, and not worry about my boyfriend straining himself when he goofily carries me around). I've been feeling like I'm too far gone, as if my goals are unrealistic (which sounds so so silly now as I type it out).
Yesterday I was frustrated with myself because I had ran a mile two days straight, and ended up developing mild shin splints (I used to play soccer competitively and absolutely know what shin splints feel like). My boyfriend asked what was wrong, and I told him that I was mad that I just couldn't run like I used to be able to.
He simply shrugged, and said something along the lines of "Yeah, but you will be able to again. You'll be even faster and stronger than you were before." (Note that my boyfriend did not know me when I was in my best shape -- he only knows the version of me that is 180 lbs and beyond -- but he was right).
I'm realizing that while comparing myself now to myself then isn't necessarily a bad thing, I've been doing it all wrong. My mindset has been "Why can't I do this like I used to?" when it should be "I'm going to get back to the strength and endurance I had back then!"
I found some photos of myself today right around my high school graduation in 2014 (5 years ago). I was tracking my weight on MFP during this time, and was about 138 lbs. As soon as I saw the photos, my eyes widened. I truly barely recognized myself, and had completely forgotten that I looked like that -- that I was even capable of looking like that. Instead of letting those pictures discourage me (because I look nowhere near that good right now), I let them remind me of the person that I was and still am capable of being.
Long story short: I'm ready to start using my past self as a motivator instead of a barrier.
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