I've been anxious and depressed for as long as I can remember. My first panic attacks were during elementary school and they have been coming and going since then.
I had a difficult childhood. My father died when I was 7, my mother was depressed and a closet alcoholic. I found out only when she passed away too. I was 25.
As a result, my relationship with food was often a very unhealthy one.
After my father died, I refused to eat. I regressed to being spoon fed for a few years. I lost weight. Until the age of around 20/25, I was consistently underweight. XS clothes would be too large for me at times.
Then, without any apparent reason, I started gaining weight and it's been a struggle of gaining and losing weight every couple of years. I'd lose 10 kg, then gain 15, then lose 20, and so on.
I couldn't figure out why, all of a sudden, I just couldn't follow the diets any longer. I like healthy foods. I eat a TON of vegetables. I like lean meats. I don't drink sodas.
Yet, I was gaining weight. It took me a long time and subs like this one to figure out why: it's my mental health.
I can't even count the times I don't sleep at night, fall asleep after 3 or 4 AM, so I will skip breakfast and get to lunchtime incredibly hungry. Or all the times I feel awful and I don't even want to smell food for a few days and then pig out. Or the times I can't function and so if I want to eat, it'll have to be takeaway.
It's sad, but food is easy to slip off the radar of your consciousness. It's easy to grab a snack when I'm anxious. Or to even forget I was snacking all day because my brain was in emergency mode and food was not even perceived.
And it all adds up. The snacks, the skipping meals and then eating out of hunger, the "no food for three days" and then "Eat everything you can!", fast food five times a week...
I started counting calories a lot of times, but whenever I felt myself drifting off the "good path", I'd just stop. I would tell myself I was an idiot and just give up.
I started calorie counting again a month ago. I am seeing a dietitian, although I doubt she understands how complicated it is for me to eat 3 meals a day, every day and mix all the nutrients in the optimal way.
Sometimes I'll eat ice cream for dinner and call it a day. And I am starting to tell myself that it's okay.
For the first time, I set my goal of weight loss to be much slower and more deliberate than it was. I eat 1500/1600 calories a day (TDEE would be 2000 for now and TDEE at goal weight around 1650), even if I KNOW I can do 1200 calories diets for a few months... They are just not good for my mental health. They just become another source of anxiety and self loathe. And THAT is what is really holding me back.
This is a message for you all, but also for myself. Don't give up. Anxiety is NOT your fault, and it's NOT mind over matter. Same for depression. If changing your diet completely is a source of anxiety for you, don't do it. Just make one or two small tweaks every week. If you are barely able to function and consciously thinking about food is impossible, then stick with a single change or thought, like ordering vegetables instead of fries, or drinking one less cup of soda or whatever is meaningful to your situation.
Mental health can make this journey harder, but not impossible. One step at a time.
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/u/UnravelMyKnots
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