Ready for change

I (26f) am ready for change. I’m 5’5” and 185lbs. My heaviest I’ve been is 194. I am ready to lose weight and take it seriously. I have “tried” to lose weight many times before but have never had success. I use the term “tried” very lightly because I seem to never be able to fully commit, I work hard for a couple weeks, sometimes a month and then give up and go back to my old ways. Last year I was working the hardest I ever have but it was not sustainable (I walked/jogged literally EVERYDAY for two months, eventually being able to run 5km straight, I know now, extremely unsustainable). I was eating healthier but only lost a few pounds (my cardiovascular health improved but there was no weight loss). I was so discouraged I just completely gave up right there and haven’t been on my treadmill since. I am now approaching a year on when I gave up and am feeling the worst I ever have about myself. I have never been successful in this area in my life and truthfully, I feel like a huge failure.

I would like to start seeing changes by summer (July) and hopefully finally feel comfortable when I look in the mirror. I no longer want to say no to outings or vacations because I hate myself - it’s time I get myself back, and I’m the only one who can change that. What I’m asking of you, is advice (maybe some encouragement?). I have signed up for Ladder and am on team define with Coach Maia. I am planning to do these workouts 4-5 times a week and really work on my walking/steps. What are some tips that helped you? How do you motivate yourself even when you don’t see/feel changes happening?

Some other information about me: I do a lot of sitting at work, I have a high stress job that keeps me tied to my desk and often makes me mentally and emotionally exhausted come evening. I was about 110lbs for the majority of my teen years and early adulthood until I started SSRIs for my anxiety and depression. Once I started taking that medication, I literally ballooned and gained 70 pounds over a few years. I am no longer on any medication (still have horrible anxiety but try to manage it without medication).

Sorry about the novel, and thank you for your help.

EDIT: I should add that I eat fairly healthy. I cook all of my meals, rarely eat out. My downfall is calorie tracking, just like my exercise habits, I tend to give up after counting calories for a limited time. I know, I’m my biggest problem.

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